Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 10: Is it Reality or is it Fantasy?

I have NO clue what time it is, nor do I give 2 fucks. If I had to HAZARD a guess, it's the middle of the night and after our hot and I do mean hot elevator session, we went two more rounds, both of us screaming till we were hoarse. And I don't know my own name right now, no lie.... however, I can't sleep, Nikki hasn't been asleep all that long and I feel SO strange right now, it's hard to describe....

I feel anger at seeing all of Nikki's bruises, a pang in my heart, wondering WHY yet knowing why he told me he was sorry, well whispered it. The fact that he's CRIED, and I get the sense he doesn't do that easily especially in front of other people. The fading track marks on Nikki's arms, some fresher ones.... the tattoos Nikki has, raven hair falling over his eyes and the fact that he's effectively cuddling me, refusing to let me go, his head on my chest and I hear snores, but he seems very restless. Maybe he's been asleep an hour? Again, I have no TRUE idea what time it is. Everything feels surreal, is.... this really reality or fantasy or is it both ultimately?

WHY can't I sleep?! Why now of all times, does my flight....and Doc...Steven......and....

Here is where I learn of Nikki's night terrors, for he will have a brutal sounding nightmare....

Nikki starts whimpering and thrashing a bit in his sleep, at first mumbling...and without thinking of it, I hold him tighter no clue what I am really doing and then he starts screaming, screaming about Doc, about ME....and he wont stop, he wont wake up and suddenly he DOES wake up, decking me and I manage to ignore the pain in my jaw, as Nikki unaware goes to a corner of the room...frightened, SCARED and screaming.

Cautiously, I walk over to where he is and I try and hold him to calm him, and he decks me again, before I manage to hold him tightly him squirming...

"NIKKI......PLEASE.... its ok, you're ok.... you're gonna be ok, I'm ok. I promise." Desperately, "—Its Joe, c'mon breathe ok. You're safe tonight.... i promise on my life...I promise." I break down, my own pain beginning to consume me and with herculean effort I manage to push it down, still in tears and I hold Nikki for at least an hour before he calms down enough to speak and realizes its ME and that I have bruises where he decked me and he starts to get upset again, blushing too because we are both still naked.

"I...I.... didn't mean to!! I-I am sorry!! So, fucking sorry! I am...so worth-less...usually...alone...you shouldn't have to d-deal...." Nikki is on the verge of a panic attack a bad one, I hold him too me cutting him off....

"NIKKI..." Firmly before I soften my tone, "Its not your fault you hear me? No lie. You were scared, having a bad night terror and you were out of it for a while. Just fucking breathe, ok? Please?" I feel like I am doing shit at the whole comfort thing, is this how you do it? I don't know because I've never truly done anything like this...

"---You...p-promise?" Nikki practically whispers.

"Yes."

"O-Ok.... what about.... he's gonna.... Doc..." Nikki mutters, spent but he IS calming down slowly but surely.

"Don't worry about that fuckin' slimeball." I snarl.

Nikki finally ventured to look at me, his eyes filled with such pain and fear.

"He threatened you Joe, and what he'll do to me....to you...I just..."

"Hey, someday I PROMISE you Nikki he will get what is coming to him." Oh it would happen a couple of months from this point....and still Nikki had to contend with Doc, so did I and I had to end up fighting with Steven as well who would tell Nikki on that fateful January 5, 1987 night that our career was more important than Nikki....he didn't see, didn't want to see...Steven I mean of course and it would end up being that Steven to help repair our friendship would help me take Doc down...still it all couldn't have happened at a worse time.

"I hope so..." Nikki mutters, "I am SO tired.... but...I am scared to go back to sleep. And there's the album.... just.... i can't right now."

"How about a shower? That may help and I know how overwhelmed you are Nikki, does anyone know where you are? Like that you trust?"

"Ok, um I'll try anything...." Nikki thinks a moment, "Mick...Mick Mars, he just KNOWS shit, I guarantee he put two and two together.... he'll keep Doc off my trail, and...the guys too." I'd come to find out that Nikki was right, and it was no wonder nor is it Mick is called 'the alien'.

I end up helping Nikki off the floor after a few minutes, my jaw killing me...but I ignore that...Nikki tries to walk own his own but nearly falls and despite his protests I pick him up and carry him to the bathroom, get the shower started, find soap, and simply hold him under the spray, his head resting in the crook of my neck.

"Joe?" Nikki murmurs after a few minutes.

"Hmm?"

"I, just.... thanks." Nikki murmurs in an unsure manner.

"You're safe right now, that's what matters. Least I could do." This feeling, I don't know what it is.... but it won't go away, it scares me and yet I want more.

Nikki raises his head frowning heavily at the bruises on my face, "that really looks like it fucking hurts."

"It does, you have one hell of a swing."

To my surprise Nikki places kisses where my bruises are, avoiding my lips before I feel them on my own....

Both of us groaning....at some point we do manage to take an actual shower and I once again carry Nikki back to bed, us trading kisses...

Nikki shivers and I know its not from the cold, "I...I...what if I deck you again? See what I saw?"

"Nikki, you can't help it...you CAN'T. if you do during a nightmare, that's ok believe me, you don't do it on purpose and as for the nightmares? I don't know what you saw exactly, though I can well imagine.... but you're not alone, if you wanna talk we can talk, we can do whatever."

Nikki sighs tracing patterns on my chest....

"Just don't let me hurt you...and...and we should try and sleep."

Moments later it seems, he is out...and I follow suit....and naturally I have nightmares.... particularly the one where I find Nikki dead/dying....

What comes next is the fall, some of my secrets i.e. Steven would be revealed...I had to fight on multiple fronts, Nikki and I would have a fight...our worst and it's also when I would FINALLY realize that I was in love with Nikki and fight, fight to earn his trust, to open to be the man he deserved. Still it fucking hurt like hell, it does now to think about it...so where you will next find me, US is January 5 1987....

Before then though, I will tell you the holidays.... Thanksgiving I spent with my parents; Christmas was spent alone.... I couldn't reach Nikki, who would be found naked and high under his Christmas tree and our albums for both bands were finished, well except for ANOTHER single for Aerosmith but yeah you get me. Nikki during November-December 1986? He would slowly start spiraling into the maelstrom of Heroin but as I have said or alluded to, he would completely enter the void after that heartbreaking January night...

A/N: We are nearly at the inevitable, which I decided to move up to next chapter. So, there will be a bit of a time-skip and oh the drama will really be heating up...