Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 19: Baby You're My Angel

Somethings to know before I pick up where I last left off, telling you more of mine and Nikki's reunion...there are some things I think you should know: If you remember the house I'd found in my wanderings, searching for my husband.... well, I BOUGHT it at some point, not long before the worst tour of my life. I bought it with Nikki in mind and FOR Nikki, everything I did in 87' was for him, and that has never changed in all the years we have been together. And oh yes, another thing I thought I would share in addition to the house.... or again things: Mick Mars and his partner, Brad Whitford. By 87' of course they'd already been together, moved in with one another AND got married. Their first child would come or be conceived the tail end of 88' and They knew I had a lot on my plate, and I felt guilty I wasn't there for them like I should have been. I mean yeah, I was, but not how I wanted to be. They STILL were there for me, and I treasure that to this day and oh, one more thing before we get back into mine and Nikki's love story.... Nikki would come to find out about Mick and Brad's marriage, and it would come to kill him or rather it did. It killed him to have missed out on so much, and he felt like he ruined their lives or could have and sure the hell was NOT true.

Nikki and I have just parted for breath, and Nikki is crying softly alarming me, shaking and then he starts sobbing and I take him in my arms, doing whatever I can to soothe him.

"----M-My body.... hurts...and...and.... this...this...doesn't feel real and I feel like I don't deserve this.... deserve YOU...and I don't...don't feel good. Plus...you, you shouldn't have to spend the holidays with ME, HERE....and i...look at how much I...I...have hurt YOU and everyone." Nikki stammers and I try to get him gently of course to look at me and he curls in on himself, shamed.

"Hey baby.... Nikki...." I start, "BREATHE...and please.... look at me." Nikki finally reluctantly does so, and I cup his face gently in my hands, running my fingers delicately over his jaw. "I understand all too well how you feel. You've missed out on so much and I know what that's like, and I am telling you Nikki we all care about you, and I especially more than anything LOVE you. You deserve love, you deserve to have someone take care of you, you ARE worthwhile, more than really. And I told you, I am not going anywhere baby. You need me, that's it. We need one another. You have nothing to be ashamed of, no lie and too I know how hard it is for you to believe that right now."

"I.... I just feel so LOST. All my life, I've been conditioned like I am...all my life." Nikki murmurs, "I just...I can't believe you're here still. If I close my eyes.... you'll be gone. I'm scared...so scared. And...I...." Nikki breaks down further, managing to look at me and my heart breaks for him and for me, because it kills me to see him so broken. "Joe...you...you know what that's like you said?" Nikki hesitates.

"Yes.... i was drowning in drugs, booze.... you name it and this year, all year.... Every time I closed my eyes, I saw nothing but darkness. I saw me losing you over and over, I can't lie. There is only so many times....one can be told their worthless.... lied to, manipulated...abused...it..." I close my eyes, trying not to lose it. "On my own, I still I felt did a shit job....at attempting to keep it together when I was in the depths of my drug addiction, I felt they loved me...they didn't. they don't. I needed a way out.... i fell out of touch with reality, especially since my reality...was being beaten daily, choked.... Elyssa stabbed me a few times. She was believing it or not the 'good one', my first wife was worse. I stayed gone, mentally and physically. "I pause a moment, only to pull Nikki closer to me...both of us clinging to one another desperately. "When...when it comes to you, I could only watch you die from afar, I worried about you constantly, every night.... i saw your death.... yet, you as I said Nikki.... I am finally learning what love is, I loved you still through it all, I love you now more than ever. You are the light in my life, my heart...everything belongs to you...only YOU. You are the only one to have ever gotten in and made me feel worthwhile and loved, whether I knew it or not."

Nikki and I reluctantly part, for he gets checked on by the nurse...gets given something to kick start his detoxing, which sadly for him immediately takes affect....and next thing I know, is Nikki is on the toilet....and head in the trash can, its not pretty. It's heart breaking, and I know all too well what this is like. I soothe him as best I can, touching him gently...holding his hair back, hoping I am in some way helping him. Nikki too has tears streaming down his face.... Finally for the time being, he stops. I carefully help clean him and Nikki looks at me in amazement, and every present tears and he doesn't say a word, as he is put back in his hospital bed with my help and they give him something for pain, really something to make him sleep and of course at some point, Nikki had his mouth cleaned out. I immediately ask for lots of ice water and soon it arrives.

Nikki still has that same look and to my surprise.... he asks me, "Can I...read the letter you wrote me? And.... I'd listen to the song you. Wrote but I have nothing to play it on." Nikki states tearfully.

"You can read it baby, and as for the song? I promise you I will find something for you to listen to on. I wrote it for you, Nikki it's YOUR song. I love you babe, I love you."

"I...I love you too, I've never had anyone do things for me like you have...especially tonight. I'm not used to this...but I think...someday I can be."

"Me too, together we can help each other." I must claim his lips, determined to show him with words, exactly how much I love and treasure him. After parting for breath once again, I find the letter in Nikki's jacket and he reads it, a hand flying to his mouth, me wrapping an arm around him.

"This...is...the most.... i mean.... wow. its everything, beautiful...bitter-sweet." Nikki fumbles for words, and I get what he is really trying to say, I get his meaning loud and clear. "You poured your heart out, its...I could hear your voice in my head, if that makes sense."

"It does Nikki...it does." I notice the meds are seriously kicking in, Nikki struggles to keep his eyes open, looking fearful. "I ain't going anywhere, and Nikki? I will be there in your dreams, no lie." With these words, Nikki gives in to the meds and is once more asleep. I will join him, cause god knows I need the rest...however before I do, requesting blankets...and a cot, I sing to him.... hoping in sleep he can hear me, and I KNOW HE does.

The song I sang to him, it would become or was 'Amazing'. It just came to me. I did get some sleep, I slept better just simply being near Nikki...though I still woke up often just to make sure he was ok, that he was breathing. The road to his recovery and redemption was beginning......and his detoxing, as you have gotten a taste of.... well, that was nothing you 'tasted'....it would be fucking wicked to say the least and where you will find Nikki and I, Nikki still working on detoxing...recovering physically. Anyway, where you will find him and I is Nikki being discharged, the day before New Year's Ever and I had figured Nikki would do better in a safer, environment if you will although it was really because I just wanted to take care of him and surprised him with the news, he would be staying with me. It was what he needed, and I needed too.

A/N: The road is only beginning here, more to come soon!