Can You Tell I Haven't Slept Very Well Since We Last Spoke? - A Jemily Fanfic

7. Regret

'Do it or don't do it — you will regret both.' - Søren Kierkegaard

Emily POV:

I woke the next morning in Spencer's room the sun hurting my eyes. Boy wonder had forgotten to close the curtains.

The sun burned it was as if it was summoning me back into the reality of last nights events. It was different to the gentle rays of JJ's apartment. Harsh and screaming. Every. Part of me was ready to stay in bed, get a different flight home, anything to avoid confronting the JJ situation. Hell I'd rather be in back in my own apartment wallowing than here.

"Nice one boy wonder forgetting to close the curtains this light is killing me here." I groaned as Spencer got out of bed.

"What are you a vampire or something?" Spencer cracked a smile at his own attempt of a joke. Lord knows his jokes are rarely funny but he did get a small chuckle out of me from that one.

"Yes, yes I am." I sighed putting a pillow over my face, wishing it would suffocate me there and then. "Hey Reid could you possibly do me a favour because I'm your favourite person ever?"

Reid snorted. "I can do you a favour Emily."

"What? Am i not your favourite person?" I smiled feigning outrage. "So... my go bag, with all of my clothes is in mine and JJ's room."

"You want me to go and get it because you're scared to face JJ after kissing her last night even though JJ is probably not even in the slightest bit mad at you but you refuse to accept that?" Spencer rambled rolling his eyes a little at me.

"Yes please that would be greatly appreciated. I'm so glad you felt the need to remind me about last nights events." I sighed dragging myself out of bed.

"She's not mad you know Em? It's JJ, she could never be mad at you." He smiled softly at me before leaving to get my bag.

God I hoped he was right.
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I rubbed my face in the mirror desperately trying to rub away the dark circles from under my eyes. I'd gotten dressed after Spencer had retrieved my bag, pulling on a white sweater and plain black slacks dreading the rest of this case and hoping it would be solved quickly.

5 victims and one unsub caught later and the case was over. Stephen Fitzgerald had been targeting gay men and becoming them, taking over their own personalities. We caught him a youth hostel not before he managed to kill another 2 victims on top of the 3 we were brought out here because of. Charles Luvet, supposed to be married to a woman in a matter of months turned out to be gay and hadn't mentioned it to anyone as he was afraid of how it would change how people viewed him.

I had to take breaks throughout the case periodically, finding both last nights events and the current case a little too much. The idea of not telling anyone about your sexuality out of fear hitting a little too close to home for me.

Detective LaMontagne thanked us for our help after our case, I frowned as he pulled JJ aside but brushing it off deciding to wait around the doorway for Spencer who had agreed to sit with me on the plane before JJ could. I wasn't ready to talk to her yet.

I couldn't hear Will and JJ's conversation but I could see them through the glass walls of the offices. I froze as I saw her wrap her arms around his neck. She was kissing him.

It was if I could feel my heart shatter. I could almost hear the crunch as she trod on it. Will and her interlocked.

I felt sick.

"Hey, Emily I'm ready!" Spencer called walking over to me. "Em? You look pale Emily what happened?" All i could do was gesture to the scene that was occurring in the other room, JJ still wrapped around Will. It felt as if she was doing all this on purpose to get back at me for kissing her, even though I knew she had no idea I had even seen them.

"Oh." Was all Spencer said, understanding.

I felt my stomach churn and my eyes glaze over. But I suppressed it, I needed to go home, I could deal with this at home.

"C'mon Spencer. The plane leaves in 20." I whispered fearing if I spoke any louder my voice would break.

Spencer just nodded, he didn't say a word, he didn't have to I knew he was there. He was there the whole plane ride home, he didn't speak a word to me but occasionally squeezed my hand. JJ didn't come home with us. She wanted to spend her time back in New Orleans with Will. I felt a warm tear roll down from my face looking at the seat she usually sat in on the jet before shrugging it off quickly.

Not the time nor the place for crying.

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JJ POV:

"We're finally alone Jay." Will smirked pulling me closer to him, "Keeping this a secret gets harder every time I see you, I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do this today." His arms tightened around my waist and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck.
He kissed me. A little roughly, too much tongue for a kiss like this. I closed my eyes trying to enjoy it but i could feel his beard and his moustache on my face, his tongue too much, his lips too harsh. God Dammit Emily.

She ruined kissing Will. Nothing felt right anymore when all i can picture is her dark eyes and raven coloured waves. Her lips delicate and soft. There was some sort of safety in the way she kissed me. Not like this.

I tried desperately to shut the thoughts out, kissing Will back harder pretending I was enjoying it. I was angry and then sad and angry again feeling my thoughts tumble in circles between hating Emily for ruining this and wanting to kiss her again so desperately. Just to experience it, I needed to experience how delicate it felt to be kissed by someone who cares.

I felt Will's hands trail up the back of my shirt. Closing my eyes tighter I tried to at least tolerate his hands let alone enjoy the feeling.

"Will," I mumbled against his lips pushing him away a little. "Let's- Let's wait 'til we get back to yours okay?"

I hated her. How could she ruin this? Will and I were good. We were good together and now all I could think of was her every time he placed his hands on me. Her name ringing through my head as if it was stuck on repeat.

I let Will fuck me three times that night. (I didn't finish once) Nothing about it felt good. I wanted to rip his hands off of me and shout 'you're too rough' at him at every given moment but my mouth stayed shut . I feared if I tried to say anything it would just come out as her name.

I was desperate to do anything that might make me forget about Emily. It didn't work. Every hand he placed on me was her. Every kiss I begged to be softer, sweeter, less rough. Will fell asleep before I did, I sobbed next to him silently so I didn't wake him. It was never going to feel right again. She'd ruined it all.

It wasn't fair.

'Forgive me for my love- for ruining you with my love.' - Fyodor Dostoevsky