The Hatred of a Killer

1

"Jessie?"

"Sorry; my mind went blank." I say truthfully.

"Should I repeat the question or-"

"No, I heard it. I uh, I'm not really sure why I started therapy. Just felt necessary I guess."

"Could you go into more detail?" Paula asks. She seems genuinely curious, but for some reason, I don't feel the weight of expectation with her.

"I just...I don't know. I feel like I have a lot buried. Lots of stuff I want-no, need to talk about with someone. There's just no one to talk to."

"What about your friends?" Paula asks, "Your family?"

"No." I shake my head. "I couldn't do that to them. Any of them."

"What? Ask for help?"

"No." I reply again. "Hurt someone again."

Paula frowns and I know I've said something wrong. I feel my stomach drop as her face does.

"Why do you feel the need to take the world on by yourself."

"I don't." I chuckle. "That's why I'm sitting here. I guess it's more I just don't want to burden anyone with the weight of my problems. At least, not someone who isn't trained to handle them."

"What about that girl you told me about last session?" Paula asks. "Emma. You said you two were close. Did you ever-"

"Yes."

I stop talking, my next sentence stopped by my sudden onslaught of tears. They roll down my cheeks silently but they're the loudest things in the room. They're yelling to be seen. To be understood. I try. I try to finish what I started.

"I uh- I did talk to her. Emma, I mean. About everything."

"Then she died." Paula whispers.

"No." I shake my head. "She didn't die."

Paula frowns, confused.

"But last session you said-"

"She didn't die." I repeat. "I killed her.
——————————————

10 Months Earlier:

"Jessie!! Get out here!"

I quickly make my way out of my bedroom to see Mark and Andrew standing in the living room waiting for me. They're dressed like cowboys, same as me, and we all actually look pretty good. For a moment I feel an overwhelming sense of pride. My best friends, my roommates, and my chosen brothers. I love them. I'm grateful for them.

"Sorry I'm late, boys." I apologize.

"Don't worry about it Peters." Andrew smiles. "You look good."

"As do you Drew. You too Mark."

"So should we leave?" Mark asks, already walking to the door before Andrew and I can even respond. "I hear they're going to start turning people away from the door in a half hour. Something about a big turn out and fire codes."

"Oh dang." Andrew chuckles. "Better go then."

The car ride is quick as the club where the party is at is only a few miles away. We take an Uber even though I tell the boys I won't be drinking. They don't want to believe it. Say they want me to have fun. The truth is, I don't need alcohol to have fun, nor do they. I think it's more the sentiment of having the option open. I appreciate their thoughts and smile the whole ride over. Once we get 3 blocks away from the club we decide to hop out and walk the rest of the way. The streets are busy. A usual occurrence for Halloween night but still a fun sight every year. Andrew, Mark, and I point out all of the cool costumes we see walking to the club. We see superheroes, sexy firefighters and healthcare workers, and every kind of animal.

Andrew points out a costume I don't understand and Mark laughs wholeheartedly, explaining it's a reference to a meme. I don't get the reference but smile, seeing Mark laugh so hard. The three of us finally make it to Club Freako where the big party is happening. There's a line out the door and a little opening for people on the instant entrance list. I watch Mark puff out his chest a little like some kind of exotic bird and hold in my laughter as I follow him and Andrew to the bouncer with the instant list.

"You on the instant list?" The bouncer asks candidly.

"Yes sir." Mark replies quickly. "Mark Jacobs, Andrew Smith, and Jessie Peters."

The bouncer looks over the list for a few seconds then back up at us.

"IDs please."

We all grab our IDs quickly handing them over to the bouncer who shines a black light on them then gives them back. He then stamps all of our hands and opens the door for us.

"Have fun kids."

As soon as we step foot inside the club, I can feel the bass of the music deep in my chest. It's a wonderful and overwhelming feeling. I feel so alive. The bar is crowded and the dance floor even more so. It's beautiful. So many people dancing and laughing. Smiling and singing. I love it and want to get involved.

"I'll go get you drinks. You guys go scope things out." I tell the boys, heading to the bar before they can even respond. There's only two bartenders and the whole counter is surrounded. I can tell they are overwhelmed and decide to wait for a moment before trying to get one of their attentions. I go to grab a seat and wait and sit next to a brunette on my right wearing some sort of white costume. She turns to face me when I sit down and I immediately recognize her costume. She's Padme from Stars Wars Attack of the Clones. My second favorite Star Wars movie and my first favorite character. I can't help but smile when I notice.

"What are you smiling at cowboy?" She asks me grinning.

I feel my stomach do flips. She's beautiful. Brown hair, bright green eyes. But more than that, I notice something else. She looks familiar. Like I've known her forever. I rack my brain but come up with nothing. I don't know her even though some inner part of my mind screams that I do. I ignore it and focus on her. I notice she's also lost in thought. I smile.

"I like your costume." I say, unsure if the words would even come out right.

I'm nervous. She's beautiful. But also something just feels right.

"Thank you." She smiles. "I like yours too..." she pauses waiting for me to tell her my name.

"Oh, Jessie." I smile back, reaching out to shake her hand.

She grabs my hand and shakes it.

"Nice to meet you Jessie. I'm Emma."