Vent book

Achievement unlocked: Panic Attack!!

Well, not really. I've had panic attacks before. But this one...well. You'll see.

~~~~~~~~~~

I was in my bed, trying to sleep when my dad burst in, holding my phone. He shoved it in my face and started yelling, saying I was a whore and an idiot. 

Sleepy and confused, I asked what was wrong. 

He screamed I was disgusting and then said I was talking to someone he didn't know. I then realised he had gone through my phone, read my text messages, and was now yelling at me. 

I realised he was talking about a conversation I'd had with one of by friends a couple weeks ago, which involved some mildly inappropriate stuff I really wish I hadn't said. We'd both agreed to not chat like that again and then exchanged 'Happy New Year's and a nice conversation. I was in tears now, and he stormed out, leaving me there. 

I started to hyperventilate and sob, gasping for breath. Blankets twisted around me, trapping me in place and burning at my skin until I was clawing to get it off. Tears clogged my airway, but I couldn't spit them out, couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. 

Eventually, someone walked in and found me there, choking, sweaty and body covered in long scratches. They held my hand and calmed me down. Once I was coherent, they told me I had a panic attack. 

For ten minutes. 

They then asked what was wrong, and I explained it all, from my point of view, telling them I knew the person and we both regretted it and he had gone through my phone. 

Then they asked why I was so scared. Was it the messages? I said, no, I was shocked he had gone through my phone without my permission, and afraid that he'd think of me differently. 

They said they were sorry, they promised to talk it through with him, and they swore not the read the messages. I almost cried from relief, and laid there trying to cool off. I couldn't. 

Eventually, twenty minutes later, he entered again. Said he was sorry for overreacting and that it came from a place of love and fear, but that he wasn't sorry for going through my phone or calling the messages disgusting. 

I asked why he went through my phone in the first place, and it was apparently because 'I couldn't be trusted'. Wow. Thanks Dad. 

Then he asked why I sent those messages and, too tired to lie, I opened up. Explained my social anxiety, how I changed who I was around people to fit in like a chameleon. I said it didn't justify my actions, and I'm sorry I wrote that, but he needed to get where I was coming from. I even briefly mentioned I might be depressed. 

And he? 

He told me 'everyone tries to fit in' and I 'shouldn't worry about what other people think'. In reference to my depression comment, he stated that, 'happiness was a choice' and I 'had to choose the right path'. He then stood up, patted my head, said I just needed to be myself and walked out.

He did not apologise for verbally abusing me.

He did not apologise for going through my phone.

He did not apologise for calling me and my friend whores.

He did not apologise for pushing me into a panic attack.

He did not help me with said panic attack, even though I know he fucking heard me because these walls are paper thin.

He did not apologise for breaking my trust.

He didn't even show a shred of concern for me or my mental health.

Mmm, I love the bitter sting of disinterest. Really makes you feel alive

- Lotus