He knew she was crying. He knew her. This was limit, her limit. The only problem was that she won't let him help and he would never know what was in her mind. It was always impossible for him to get it right from her complex mind. She was mysterious that way, and he loved it about her but not always. He always wondered about her mysterious ways of thinking, her that time for herself when she used to sit alone by window and think god knows what. He was attracted to her for that only, her unique ways. She was different from the rest of the world, no matter in some regular ways, she was just another woman who loved all those small things which he absolutely hated. They were poles apart but deep down he knew they were connected morally and spiritually. He never wanted to hurt her, he never promised her that he would never hurt or protect her because he knew that she was strong enough to protect herself mentally and sometimes even physically. She was one hell of a woman he married and he never forgot to thank god for this wonderful gift he had as a wife.
There was not even slight a chance that he was attracted to his ex-girlfriend, never. He knew it was just a mistake and might be a little too much of an alcohol. But that was not the excuse he can even give himself, it was lame and he very well knew it. There was just one thing he was wondering, his little mistake was not worth what they shared, it was not above all. And endpoint, he could not live without her, period. All he wanted was to mend his mistake and as far as he knew, she would not forget easily or anytime soon. She was Forgive Late & Forget Later' that was her way of dealing things, she would remember what she wanted to remember when and where and to what extent. And she would never forget, that was her biggest problem or a monster that would eat her one day as she used to describe. After all the scenarios he analyzed, he could only come to one solution, time. He needed to give her time as much as she wants. And he just knew what he wanted to do.
There was a time when she used to thank weekends. Not now. Not today.
She was exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. It was just the hurt that consumed her so much that she could not think straight and as she predicted she was nervous for weekends because that would mean spending time with him. Alone. Under one roof. It was shocking for her how spending a time with the same person who was her soulmate and the person without him she could not live, was now felt like burden and made her nervous. How ironical that was!
Another part of her mind was almost convinced that all she was thinking about his mistake was just rubbish. They were together for so many years, and a small matter like this should and would mean nothing to them. But still she was hurt. It was so simple yet so complicated. Why she was mixing baby with this? Why she was linking all those past event with this one? Or is it just right time for the explosion? For all those past events? If she sit back relaxed, with a straight mind, she can clearly think that they had a huge burden to bear, for their baby. The stillbirth. It was after that a tiny part of her slipped away from him. She could still remember that day, that unfortunate day. She was 33 weeks far and everything was so smooth. She has worked throughout the entire pregnancy, even though everyone asked her to slow down a bit. He was worried, as usual. But she knew she could do it, it was impossible for her to sit idle at home, so she continued. But that day, when she woke up, everything was normal. He made her breakfast, and then he left her at work, just perfectly normal. And then, around lunch time, she realized that she hadn't been feeling the movement from few hours. It scared her a little bit, because everyday she would be little uncomfortable at work because of their active baby movements. She knew it so well, because he would call her everyday to know how she was doing and she would complain that his baby is hyperactive. So she knew that nothing is okay.
It was strange, but when she called him that she is going to see Doctor because she is not well, she drove herself, and while driving on the roads, somewhere in the middle she just knew that nothing is okay and nothing will ever will be. She badly controlled her tears, all she wanted was him. And she was glad that he was also on his way. Both of them will be reaching at Doctor's place together. She reached first, and she sat down waiting patiently for her turn. The waiting. It was the worst part ever, she could not handle the waiting, the not knowing part. Tears. Pain. Confusion. And a prayer. A prayer that everything is fine. She clutched her fingers tight into fists, and tapped her left leg continuously without realizing. A footstep, little fast but also in control. She knew it was him. She looked at up and it was him, searching for her but before she calls him, he found her. All she could see was tension and panic in his eyes. His eyes frantically checked her, from head to toe as if she were physically injured, deep thousand kilometers down in her mind, she smiled a bit. Oh boy! She so loved him for being him. But that feeling was gone in just a fraction of a second. And the tension overcame for release.
What happened? Are you okay?'
And she broke. She hugged him tight, just to make her feel little better.
Hey hey hey...Please tell me what is wrong?' He asked with same concern in his voice, but he did not let her go. In fact, he tightened his shoulders around her.
And she told him everything.
After that it all happened so fast but she remembered everything in details. He was heartbroken, clearly he was so sad but he managed to look and act strong for her and all she wished that it was just a nightmare. But it was not. She was induced, she was in labour for eleven long hours and then she gave birth to a baby boy. A dead baby boy. She was so angry by the end, that she did not wanted to see her baby, he was there with her all the time, and when they were asked whether they want to see the baby, he said yes and she said no. A start.
If he could just understand that she could not see their baby lying dead in her arms while she saw dreams about the baby all these months. She never wanted to see the baby dead, she just wanted to escape, she wanted to keep her imagined face of the baby live in her mind rather than the dead one. He did not know this. But when Doctor asked again, immediately after the delivery, she looked away. She was in so much pain, she wanted to die. Both physically and mentally, she was exhausted, almost half dead. He held her hand tight and requested her to see the baby. She said no. He left her hand and went to the Doctor and took the baby. And she heard him choke. For the first time ever, she heard his reaction and it was heart breaking.
He is beautiful' he managed to say, in a broken voice.
And there it was. She turned to have a look at them. Her family. Her husband and her son.
He immediately understood and came forward. He put their son in her arms, and she cried like a baby, like her baby should have cried at the birth. But he did not. He was not alive. And it all made sense in just one second. She realized it that she would have regretted her decision not to have a look at their baby, she realized what he gave her, even though she misunderstood him for that. And then she kissed him. Her little boy. She kissed him and held his finger, and he sat by her side, caressing their baby's cheek and rubbing her back. He was being there for his family, for his wife and for his son at the same time. Both crying, and holding their son for the first and last ever time.
She was sure that he was as miserable as her but he acted brave enough for them. She knew right at that moment that she chose the perfect man for their kids. She often read that a best choice a woman can make is not to marry whom but whom to have father of her child. She knew that her husband was the best man she could ever find in the world as father of her children. But that was not enough at that time, she was sad. Losing a baby was something extraordinary happened to her at mental level.
Maybe that event was a start. A part of her heart blamed herself too because she herself was distant from him and just everyone. They never talked about it after coming home. Their family members came after everything was over as per her request. After few months, things were normal but one fateful day when he came back from work very late and he was visibly stressed and they had little bit of argument in which he did not clearly mentioned that he blamed her for the stillbirth, but there was subtle hint. And she asked. And the answer was anger. He just shoved off and slept. It broke her heart. It was the first night, they broke their own rule - not to sleep angry at each other. That night was different, he was slept and she slept later by his side, drenching the pillow cover. And then she slept. And it begun.
An inexplicable distance followed by the fight from that fateful night, which was forgotten later as they involved themselves in work. And now this...she could just see all events pass by and think more and more. She remembered all those tiny details now as she deeply thought about their damaged relationship after one crisis, like how they never took vacation after coming back from hospital, they never talked about their pain, they were always busy and mostly pretending to be busy. Their office parties were more frequent now, they just socialized unnecessarily and faced each other so little. Nevertheless, the goodnight kiss was still there. In fact, only good night kiss was there and it felt so formal, like making a presence somewhere.
The more she thought, the more she cried.
