ALL I WANT #1

Chapter 23 : Starting somewhere.

Song recommendation: The Seed - Aurora.

Chapter Twenty-Three.

"Don't waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy."

-Roy T. Bennett

***

Some things in life are bound to be awkward, regardless of the circumstances.

I had low expectations for tonight's Thanksgiving dinner. And it gave me anxiety just thinking about it.

I snapped the bright yellow scrunchy around my wrist and tried to steady my shaking leg. When I mustered the courage to look at Doctor Karl, he was waiting for me to begin speaking.

"I don't know, doc. My life's pretty boring. I can't think of anything interesting right now." I said, though I knew I was lying through my teeth.

To give you an image of how I was feeling, I was like a pressure cooker filled to the brim, ready to explode at any moment now.

My nights have been awful because of these nightmares I've been having. My brain was more unpredictable than ever, and it freaked me out.

On top of everything, I wasn't doing well in school. And there's also the big Thanksgiving dinner with the man who walked out on us years ago.

Unable to contain the sudden surge of energy rushing through me, I stood up from the leather chair and it felt like I was trying to run away from my own head.

"I'm good. Really, I'm perfect. I got friends and I'm doing the exercises we've been working on. I take my meds every night. Oh, and I'm up to two runs a day now. It helps me unwind before bed and start the day off right. I'm taking steps, small steps to make myself feel better. So yeah, I'm great," I blurted out, my words racing ahead of my thoughts.

I was out of breath, and I knew I made a total fool of myself because he there was no way he'd buy into that.

I nervously combed my fingers through my hair. "Aren't you gonna say anything?"

He closed his notepad, stood up, and fixed his serious gaze on me. "Do you want to be here, Quynn?" he asked.

What does that even mean? Why is he asking me that? He's tricking me right now with some pseudo-psychological bullshit.

"I'd rather be healthy and therapy-free, if that's what you're asking," I replied.

He shook his head. "No, that's not what I'm asking. Do you want to come here? To get help at all? Because I've been treating you for the past five months, and it feels like all you do is run and hide. I've been waiting for something. A breakthrough or one moment you would let me help you and finally trust me, but you never did."

My heart quickened its pace, and an overwhelming feeling of entrapment washed over me. I moved backward, clasping my arms around my body, attempting to find some comfort.

"Therapists aren't supposed to talk to their patients like that," I said, shaking my head.

He agreed with a nod. "You're right! And I've been trying to stay unbiased, but it's been months. I've never gotten to know the real you. The therapist in me didn't want to confront you, the human being though? It sucks to see such a young, promising girl turn down every help she can get," he said, his face twisted into a genuine expression of distraught and anger as he looked at me.

As I looked into his usual blank eyes, his piercing gaze seemed to see right through me.

I shook my head in disbelief. "All you and mom want is to pump me full of medicine and make me relive the worst parts of my life. You don't get it! I can sit here for hours and go into vivid details about all the times I've been abused and you still wouldn't get it. I can talk for hours about my aching need to just hug my dad every time I see him. Or about the nightmares and the voices in my head. You still won't get it!" I shot back, my voice filled with anger and frustration.