the ground my feet won't reach || cade

it came easy, darling (as natural as another leg around you in the bedframe)

vignette two: the nightmare
☆ ☆ ☆

time and time again, cat was told that fuzzy pajama pants and the venice climate didn't mix. she'd wake up in a pool of sweat, clothes crooked and blankets tangled with her limbs, and the nightmare that her body used to disrupt the overheating process would keep her awake until sunrise. and every time, she'd vow to never as much as glance in the direction of her puppy dog pants ever again. she'd abide by that promise as the reopened scars sewed themselves shut, but within a few weeks, she'd hear the pups calling to her from the wardrobe and restart the cycle.

on one particularly hot night, cat, of course, was clad in the root of her problem. the fabric of her pajamas was soaked from the sweat that beaded her skin, and her chest heaved with disrupted slumber. when her eyes finally opened and met with the soft glow of the nightlight, her mangled breathing only quickened. remembering her brother was all the way in idaho was always especially difficult when he seemed so close in the universes her mind created.

as she clutched the edge of her now untucked comforter in her fists, a sob began to build in her throat. she moved out, she cut her hair, so why couldn't she escape? why did he control every piece of her life, seemingly watching her every move from the hospital states away. he already robbed her of so many years that she should have spent being a teenager. why should he get the rest of them, too?

shamefully, she began to cry, body curling itself into a ball and nose pressed against the same fluffy material that put her in this mess to begin with. the heat didn't even bother her anymore; it was the suffocating realization that she'd have to spend the rest of her life this way that was causing her pain.

"cat? are you crying?"

instinctively, cat flinched at the sudden sound of a voice from within the darkness, but relaxed as it set in that it was only jade speaking to her. she sniffled, lying tearfully into the pitch with a small "no," but when the other bed creaked and footsteps made their way to the switch for the big light, cat knew she was nowhere as convincing as she had hoped. two pairs of eyes met when the room lit up, one rimmed with salt and the other with concern. cat couldn't hold back the string of sobs that broke the second she saw her roommate's face.

silently, jade moved to wrap cat in her arms, lowering herself onto the plush-covered bed. cat's "but i'm all sweaty" was quietly shushed, jade's hatred for anything so much as damp seemingly abandoned. the two just gently rocked for what felt like both forever and no time at all, until cat's cries were nothing but an occasional sniffle.

slowly, jade pushed cat to an arm's length, looking her up and down with her hands still firmly planted on her shoulders. "cat, you wore the pants again?" she sighed. "it's too hot for those, it's why you keep having nightmares."
with shaky hands, cat wiped her swollen cheeks, the skin raw beneath the moisture. she knew jade was right, that she was just going to keep having nightmares if she kept ignoring warnings, but she just couldn't get rid of the pants. they had been a gift from jade herself, two years prior when the pair were only sophomores. leaving them to collect dust just felt wrong.

"but you got me these," cat whispered. "and i wanna wear them."

"yeah, well, that was before i knew they'd cause something as shitty as this. you gotta quit wearing them, cat, they're just making you miserable." jade dropped her arms to her lap, a look cat couldn't quite read on her face. it felt like disappointment, but it didn't seem to be directed at her. she hoped it wasn't, at least. she couldn't stand the thought of letting jade down somehow.

cat watched as her friend got up and crossed the room once again, this time going to the black chest of drawers and rooting through it. within a few moments, she fished out an oversized band tee and tossed it to the redhead. "there," she said. "now i gave you that. put it on with some shorts or something."

the shirt was faded and worn, and it held the lingering scents of coconut, vanilla, and espresso. she had seen jade sleep in it a few times since she moved in, but had never thought twice about it until she held it. the band printed on its front was one cat didn't recognize, but she was sure if she heard their music, it would make sense that jade liked them. "thank you," she said softly, wiping her eyes one more time as she lifted her gaze to meet jade's. hesitantly, she got to her feet, found a pair of shorts, and disappeared into the little bathroom that was attached to their room.

catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror made cat inadvertently cringe, rows of teeth pushing against one another as she moved away from the reflection. not only were strands of hair stuck to her forehead and tear stains covering her face, but she looked like the old cat, the one who still lived with her parents, the one who hid under the bed and could only scream for jade when she felt as though she had no one else to rely on. she hated that old cat, the cat who couldn't look at herself, just like she couldn't do now. angrily, she ripped the heavy cotton fabric from her body and covered her scarred skin with jade's shirt, then traded the fluffy pants for the shorts. in a way, it felt like shedding, just like snakes would. her reward was a desperately needed escape from the heat.

as an afterthought, cat took a hair tie from the sink and gathered her hair into a high ponytail, allowing her neck to meet the same air that her limbs embraced. it was only when it was secured that she gathered enough courage to pass her reflection again. this time, even with only a small window of time that she could even see herself out of the corner of her eye, she felt a little better about it. the anger still swirled somewhere within her, but it was slightly less directed at herself. maybe overheating was part of the root.

jade was waiting for her when she returned, still seated atop the pink duvet. she didn't say anything more about the shirt; she only folded her knees beneath her body and reached for the switch. "alright, now c'mon. i'll sleep over here for the night."

cat welcomed the arm that snaked her torso as sleep took her in its own two. she appreciated the figure that conformed to the shape of her own and the gentle breath against her newly-exposed neck. she loved the girl that held her until the sun rose above the treeline and warded off the nightmares with her mere presence. a part of her wondered if this could be how it always was, if jade could lay next to her every night, even if they didn't talk about it. maybe one day, that would be the case, and maybe then, the nightmares would have stopped on their own. but for that one night, she could rest knowing the monsters would be kept at bay, even if jade would go back to her own bed when they parted in the morning.