Izzy & Noah

Sixty-Six: Mixed Reactions

My gaze stops as I see Tina enter the ward.

It is not unusual to have psychologists on rounds, people's emotional needs are just as important as their physical needs.

But our meeting didn't end well.

I know I shouldn't have been surprised because I knew what I was getting into, what I had chosen, I knew that once I walked through the door of her office everything would change, that she would know me better than I knew myself.

She would know everything about me.

And I am uncomfortable with people knowing about me.

At work I rarely talk about myself, about my problems and difficulties, about my hobbies.

Our eyes meet.

˝Good morning, Izzy, can I talk to you alone? ˝ she asks.

I look at her, but I don't know what to say.

Say something, Izzy, I say to myself, just say something, anything.

I just nod.

It's like I'm glued to the floor.

We can talk somewhere alone. she asks.

I'm unprepared, she's taken me completely by surprise, after such a morning with a patient, I'm mentally broken, and physically too, the wound is splitting me open.

˝We can go into intravenous therapy, if that's all right with you. ˝ I finally say.

I walk quickly, maybe a little too quickly, because I can see that Tina can hardly keep up, but I don't stop, I don't wait, my heart is beating like crazy, as if I've done something wrong, as if something is not right, as if our relationship will never be the same, because she knows too much about me. I've exposed myself too much emotionally to just sit back and watch.

I open the door with my card and we go in.

I turn and say, ˝What did you want to talk to me about? ˝

Tina is a little confused at first, or at least she's acting that way.

˝I wanted to apologise for yesterday, I didn't do the right thing, my reaction was not at all in line with the ethics of my profession, I may have been a little judgmental, it didn't seem right, but it's too personal, you decide what you do and how you do it. ˝ Tina says, surprising me with her choice of words.

Too often I give people a chance, too often I let them get close to me, I know that's my problem, I won't say that I didn't feel better when I went to see Tina, even though it was difficult, no one will ever understand who hasn't gone through it, how difficult it is to tell the truth about your feelings, about everything you're going through, in a foreign language.

I fold my arms over my chest, I know that I feel like I'm shutting myself off, that I don't want people to get close to me, but I don't know any other way.

"Even I was shocked by the news that Noah wanted to go to Paris and I reacted with great concern. I know I judge people too quickly, that's my fault. I jump to conclusions. I know it is difficult to build a relationship because sometimes the boundaries between the therapist and the person in therapy get blurred, I realise that. I know that you only wanted the best for me and Noah and that I reacted too strongly. I am sorry, even though it may not seem right. But somewhere in my heart I know it is. ˝ I say, surprising even myself with my mature response, how I've changed, the old Izzy would have driven stubbornly, I would have been angry with the therapist for the rest of my life, but for a good relationship you have to make concessions, everyone has to give a little.

˝Thank you, that makes me feel so much better. ˝ Tina says with a smile.

Only now do I realise how worried she was. How this thing has left her with no other thoughts, no sleep... there are huge circles under her eyes, it's definitely going to be a long night for her.

˝My intention is not to make your life miserable, but to help you to feel better, to respond better to the things that lie ahead. I know you feel good, like you don't need therapy anymore, but if you don't work on yourself, this month of therapy will be for nothing. And you will be back to square one. ˝ Tina says, and slowly I realise that there are big things coming up that I don't know how to deal with.

"I know, I know and I am aware of all this. ˝ I lean against the therapy preparation counter.

Every day I realise how fleeting life is, how much I need to appreciate the time I have, how much I need to appreciate all the things in life that I have the opportunity to do, but how much you only realise when you or a loved one becomes ill.

˝I'm not going to force you into therapy, I know you said you wanted Friday off and you're flying to Paris, but if you feel you need someone to talk to, my door is open. Your appointments stand. ˝ I believe Tina, but I believe her, for the first time I believe that not all people are evil, that some people really just want me to be happy and that they will be there even when life is hard.

˝So yeah, I'm definitely not going to be there on Friday, but we'll work it out for the future, I don't feel the need at the moment because I feel like I'm on the right track, but never say never. But I am glad that we talked, that we cleared up certain things because I don't want to have any resentment or anger or bad mood. ˝ I turn away and stand up.

I am glad we talked; it will make the day easier. Tina is visibly relieved.

I smile.

I have been thinking about therapy, a lot. Even before I went, I wondered what people would think of me, how they would take it all, but I think the biggest problem was in my head. I just let people judge me because I can't bear the weight of events, because my job and society are the way they are.

It will soon be time for a visit.

I answer, looking at the phone in my pocket.

I quickly walk past Tina and back into the ward. Tina follows and we head into the nurses' lounge, where I see what Katy has to say.

˝Typical Luke, he's not a bad guy, he's just his own man, but otherwise he's funny, sweet, interesting. ˝ Katy writes, as if excusing him for the way he is.

˝I don't get that feeling, it just seems to me that he's so full of himself, so full of himself that he thinks he's always right, always wrong and in a bad mood. But whenever he sees me, he stays with me for far too many seconds, his eyes seeming to follow me no matter what I do. ˝ I write back.

What's his problem?

Why is he like this?

Does he not like me?

I'm expendable, one day I'll get to him and ask him, that moment of mine is yet to come and I'm waiting.

I am patient.

I put my phone in my pocket and go to my office for my rounds.

It's been a busy day, a day full of new things I've learned. I am always surprised at how much university has taught me and how much I still have to learn, I always thought that when I left university, I would know a good quarter of what I needed to know, just to add the specifics of the department I am in, but that is far from the case.

Oncology nursing is a chapter of its own where, in addition to the oncological disease, there are other comorbidities that break down during systemic therapy, radiotherapy or disease progression and need to be treated again, or even some that are just coming to the fore.

As I hand in my work and slowly make my way to the changing room, my steps are lighter, perhaps because I have spoken to Tina, is it really so painful?

Maybe it's because I know that the weekend will soon be over, that means tomorrow, tomorrow I leave for Paris.

Or because I am filled with positive feelings again and again, because I am helping them, because they are grateful.