liquid acid

6: do you love me

Like before, the rest of my band decided to go out for drinks in the evening, and this time Alaya and I joined them. I only had a couple sips of beer before just drinking water, while the others kept going until they were drunk. Alaya was the first to get herself drunk, which seemed about right to me—I mean, she definitely looked like a lightweight. So after she threw up on the curb outside, I decided that was enough to call it a night for her. The bar was a walking distance away from the campus, so we just left on our own after saying goodbye to the others.

Alaya insisted on heading back to my dorm, so I just agreed. She was clinging to me the whole way there, and practically stumbled into my dorm when we entered. We sat down next to each other on my bed, our jackets sitting in a pile on the floor and our shoes having been discarded by the door. She curled up next to me, having lost her perfectionist demeanor in her intoxicated state.

"You know," she said, her words slurring together, "You know... you were so hot, screaming into that mic."

I nodded slowly. "Is that so?"

She nodded. "It was..." her voice trailed off for a moment, as though she forgot was she was going to say. "...So hot."

I nodded again. "That's what you said."

She moved closer to me until her face was inches from mine. "Jake, I'm like... I'm so horny right now."

I stiffened. "Alaya, I—"

She kissed me before I had the chance to speak, and for a moment, I allowed her to. We made out, just as we did the last time she spent the night with me, but it was entirely different. There was nothing sweet about her taste, nothing euphoric about her touch. My skin crawled with discomfort the longer it went on. Without the high of the acid, there was nothing pleasurable about this. Nothing felt right.

I gently pushed Alaya away and shook my head. "Stop that. Not right now."

She was silent for a moment, then nodded. "Okay."

I sighed, relaxing against the pillows behind me. I could feel myself sinking into my bed, which was a rare but welcoming sensation. Alaya shifted her position beside me, trying to get comfortable.

"Hey," she said timidly. "Can I... can I just lean on you? For a little bit?"

After a moment of hesitation, I nodded. "Yeah, go ahead."

She laid down, resting her head on my stomach. Her breathing slowed as she relaxed, the tension in her body slowly dissipating. As she laid there, she had a similar effect on me. Her presence was warm and offered a kind of comfort that was unique to her.

After a few minutes of silence had passed, she said, "I hate having a female body."

"Okay," I said. "So... ummm, what? Do you wish you were a guy or something?"

"No, no, it's not like that." She paused, then continued, "It just never feels like it's enough. It's not pretty enough, it's not white enough, it's not perfect enough... It's not enough to make you love me."

I was taken aback by what she said. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I know it's true," she went on. "You don't even wanna fuck me unless you're high off your ass." She paused again, and then sighed. "I don't blame you, either. There's nothing special about me. I am better off just being some girl you fuck on the weekends. A worthless undesirable toy that you can just discard when you're done with me."

"Stop, stop, stop." I sat up slightly. "Stop saying stuff like that."

She turned her head toward me, her eyes wet with tears. "Why?"

"Because it's—because it's not true, okay? None of what you're saying—none of it has anything to do with you, or-or how desirable you are. I-I mean like, the way I've treated you. It's just..." I took a shaky breath in and pulled my hands through my hair. "It's um... it's my fault. You already fucking know this, I've been horrible to you. I've been horrible to my friends too, and I'm just acting like they're the assholes. Goddamnit." I felt pressure building behind my eyes, and despite everything, I couldn't keep the tears from rolling down my face.

Alaya gazed at me with sympathy and tenderness in her tired eyes. She reached up to wipe the tears from my cheeks. "I've never seen a man cry like this before."

I wasn't sure why, but her saying that made me laugh. "Goddamnit," I said again. "Goddamnit."

"I really wish you would talk more about yourself," she said. "Sometimes I just wanna know what goes on inside your head. Do you love me?"

I avoided answering her question and wiped the tears away from my eyes. "You could probably start asking more questions, I guess."

"Maybe later. I'm too sleepy right now."

I sighed. "Me too."

She reached up to touch my face again, lightly patting my nose before closing her eyes. She fell asleep very quickly, still using my lap as a pillow. Though I considered it, I decided to not move her, and I placed a pillow behind my head. I closed my eyes, and soon, I drifted off to sleep along with her.