Philophobia (Anger is Bliss)

chapter 5

Tornadoes.

I think one is in my head, right now. Messing up my thoughts.

Did you know that, for a tornado to take form, you need both hot and cold? Okay, to be fair, who doesn't know that? My point is, the hot air wraps around the cold air while going in the opposite direction. It goes up while the cold air goes down. That's how I feel when I look back at him from across the classroom, when I look at his clothes, his hair, his face. When I see the way he's looking at me. When I notice the way everyone is noticing it, too.

I'm trying to walk away. I am. I'm trying to go the opposite way. But he's wrapping me around his little finger, and I cannot stand it.

There's nothing there. I don't know anything about him. Whatever is happening is purely physical. It has to be. Because you know what tornadoes do when they're fully formed?

They move. And they destroy everything that is in their way.

My peace is on the line. He will not have me on my knees for him.

Plus, he's American. They're self-centered. I wonder how he's handling being in an international school and realizing the US is not the only country on Earth, and most definitely not the best one either.

No country based on genocide should ever be considered great.

Am I switching topics here?

"Yes," he says politely.

I wasn't asking you, I think.

I look at him more. I do have to say he apologized to me though. Should that count?

Looking at me, the teacher lets out a sentence that makes my head hurt from thinking about it.

"I'm curious about this combination," she whispers. Combination. Is rotisserie chicken better with rice or potatoes? What is she talking about? I really hope she's not thinking what I think she's thinking.

"Okay class, I just decided you have an essay to write due in a week and a half, choose your partner quickly," she proceeds.

Announcing a test on the first day? It's the first time she has ever done that. Usually, we only start having tests in early October, not on the first class of the year.

Oh no.

I look around to find someone to team up with, but she comes my way.

"Andrea, I'd like you to team up with Ethen."

Ethen. So that's his name. Ethen. It's better than Ethan. It's prettier.

But that's not the point.

Did I hear that right? Because, in all honesty, I'm confused. When I look at him, he is standing behind her, almost hiding. He looks...afraid?

"I was actually thinking of working on my own ma'am," I lie.

"I'm going to be honest, it wasn't a question. I'm really curious to see what the work is going to look like if my two best students do it together!" she replies excitedly.

Two best students? He just got here, what do you mean two best students?? Just because he's American doesn't mean his writing equals mine. This is unfair. If only she would let me work alone, she would see that I'm better.

She leaves and lets him sit right next to me. He looks at me with a smile. Such a nice smile. It makes me so mad. It's so so pretty. Why does it have to be pretty?

"Are you ever going to leave me alone?" I say.

"Call it fate" he replies, smiling even bigger. Oh no, his eyes turn into little crescent moons when he smiles that big and I think I love crescent moons more than I ever have.

"Fate my ass."

He giggles. That sound makes me want to punch a wall and I hate that I want to hear it again.

"It's not like you have much of a choice anyway, do you?" he says.

He's annoying.

"I won't work with you. I'd rather do it alone and get a zero if the teacher doesn't accept it."

I look down at my fingers and fidget.

"Do you really hate me that much?"

I think. Hate is a powerful word, you can't just call anything that. I look at him. He gives me a small smile, and I figure I already have my answer.

"Yeah, I do, actually," I say hostilely. I should punch myself.

I get up and walk to the teacher's desk to try to negotiate.

"Ma'am, please let me do it alone, or at least with someone else," I ask, trying my best to sound desperate.

"There's no negotiation, Andrea. You'll be able to choose whoever you want to do it with for the rest of the year, but this once, please do as I say," she replies, choosing her words carefully.

"But I can't come to an agreement with him."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't stand him, ma'am." There. Is that clear enough?

"Right," she replies as if not believing it a single second, "but I don't care this once. I'll help you avoid him as much as I can later on. If that's what you still wish. But do as you're told, for now."

"But-"

"There's no but. I trust you, Andrea, make good work like you usually do and I won't ask a single thing from you again. Do it for me."

I nod and slowly get back to my seat. I feel stuck. Whatever this feeling is, it's really uncomfortable. Kind of like I can't run away anymore, like I got caught in the tornado.

That's so stupid. I don't have a crush on this guy. I just like the way it feels to look at him, to feel his eyes on me even when I look away. It can't be the same, right?

Either way, the hour goes by fast, I zone out during the entire class, wondering how I'll be able to escape this, but there's nothing. No excuse, no solution is there to help me, I will have to face it.

To face him. His pretty eyes. Ugh.

I've only interacted with him twice so far, and I've been angry 100% of the time. And it is not going to change until I do something about it. And it is absurd.

I guess you can call it hate at first sight.

I can't believe I just met this guy and am already so annoyed with him. Why am I acting like it's the end of the world? Or I guess the real question is, why does it actually feel like it??