My living nightmare-Tom kaulitz//Pt 2//

the suicide plan

As i mop the floor i hear the door opening..its Tom.

"Hi sir..i moped the floor and do u want me to clean you room-"i was cut off by Toms hand shaking in the air

"Shut the fuck up just go and clean it im not in the mood to talk"

I know he was heartless but damn

I slowly walk in his room and i start to *clean* it.im not really interested in cleaning it i came here to find something that might help me to find out about his plans or his thinking,because he has a mask that i cant quite read i never could..

I atart to search through his room until i deicide to look under the desk for something(i know its a dumb decision)

As i look there i bump my head on the desk

"Ow fuck"i mutter under my breaths as i tap the spot on my head that i hit

And i hear something falling behind me so i carefully go out from under the desk and i find a black notebook

What could be this

I pick it up gently and i open it hesitant of what i might find inside

Once i open it my jaw drops...this was something like a diary but i didnt know if it was Toms because he loves to take Bills stuff so i will have to figure it out myself i guess

The first lines i read were

Im sorry for everything
This wasnt her fault

This didnt sound like Tom at all or did it?

Ughh everything is soo strange amd confusing

I just kept reading

(IM SORRY IF THIS IS CRINGE OR SOMETHING BUT ⚠️TRIGGER WARNING; SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND CUTTING⚠️)

I still dont forgive myself for the incident with Taylor how could i let this happen im such a bastard i wish i was dead not her...i was considering of actually killing myself after her death but i know this will be too much to handle for the people who work for me or love me..i doubt someone feels this way towards me but i cant tell anyone because i cant let them see my weak side i have to act like everything is ok and her death didnt trigger me that much but my shell is slowly breaking pieces by pieces everyday i wish Taylor was here to hold me in her arms while i cry in her chest because i missed her...i cant believe im this low for her because im litterly considering to kill myself and i have tried it but i doesnt work i cant even do one fucking thing right and im telling to a fucking piece of paper i cant even think properly i might as well start my Cutting habit again after such a long time i havent been cutting myself and if that means bleeding all over the bathroom floor i will do it for her....for my dead other half i will do it...fuck im going insane..I'm sorry Taylor..im fucking sorry i couldn't fucking save you in time im fucking sorry...the people think i dont have emotions or i wouldnt stand that low because of someone because im a mafia boss but im broken inside even thought i have to act tough...my dad made me go after his mafia life i hate this i hate everything i might aswell die if another mafia boss kills me or im gonna kill myself..

2nd page

Ive been dreaming about some little girl who looks a lot like Taylor and calls me daddy or dad..i dont know why the universe has so much hate for me to make me dream what child i coulve had with Taylor and Taylor herself i cant take this anymore ive been cutting for a long time now and i cant stop i litterly cant i havent even fucked with Jasmine in like 2 months or something im litterly gonna go insane i cant think straight ive been taking pain killers but my wrist are litterly like a meat who was cut over 100 times i cant..i litterly cant..i love you too much to let go Taylor...please forgive me...

Then i saw a few drops of blood at the end of the page..he must cut himself..thats Toms blood..this diary is his i cant believe this..

I dropped the notebook on the floor and i ran out of the room with tears in my eyes i cant believe he had this kind of feeling for me.

I go in the small room that is considered mine and i start to cry i litterly hurt the person i love or i think i love..i dont know anymore...

I think he moved on but oh i was so fucking wrong he wanted to kill himself and he cuts himself i had no idea a mafia boss could do these thing we all have one image of a cold mafia boss who has no heart for anyone but..

This wasnt Tom himself it was his shelf his little house the sweet side of him would hide for the fame he gets he isnt cold that isnt him he is sweet just lika any other normal person on this planet

The people think he wants this life but he is still a little boy paying for the mistakes of his father...

I have to confront him soon or he will actually leave this world searching for me on the other side but i wont be there i dont want to disappoint him..

I was thinking that while i was laying on the bed on my back looking at the ceiling while tears were rolling on the sides of my eyes directly onto the pillows beneath my head i couldnt take any of this i wanted to be with Tom again i wanted to confess everything

I wanted this to end to not care about the consiquinses of my actions if i reveal myself to Tom i just want to hug and love him again i really wanted to cry my heart out while playing with his hair and squeezing him hard until my arms are numb

I want to fall asleep next to him amd wake up next to him just to love him again

And i plan on doing this tomorrow i cant take it to hide myself anymore..

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Hi guys im sorry but here is the emotional part and im sorry again for not posting but i had some problems and i let all my pain and everything i feel in this chapter i hope yall like it :D