finding happiness

hilariously unfunny

ᴛʀɪɢɢᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ ɪɴ ᴏᴘᴇɴɪɴɢ ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ

:]

sapnap offering to visit had felt surreal. him actually being there was like a dream.

george has felt like he has been floating on a cloud for the last few days. from the moment he spotted sapnap outside the airport, right until now, when they're sitting on george's couch snacking on junk food and listening to music, george hasn't been able to fully comprehend the fact that his best friend is actually here.

with the thought of sapnap's arrival, george had found the motivation to clean himself and his flat. it's far from perfect, but it's the nicest it has been in months and george takes pride in the progress he made. of course, sapnap never saw the flat before, so he doesn't know the effort george put in to clean up, but george isn't reliant on his friend's validation.

still, there's something not quite right about it all.

george still isn't happy.

he can't comprehend it, really, because he knows that he should be happy now that he is no longer alone, but there's still something that isn't falling into place. he worries that the reason he can't fully internalise his joy is because of the almost dissociative state he has been in over the last few days, sort of floating away from reality, but that doesn't make sense.

if he is really so out of it that he can't be happy, how come he can still be sad?

he isn't sad with sapnap, of course not. but the moments he spends alone at night, trying to sleep whilst sapnap snores away on the couch, are full of a pain that the british boy has become all too accustomed to.

and he probably has been happy, he is almost sure of it. there have been endless smiles and bright laughter and he's felt whole in a way that he's missed for the longest time, but it still feels like that weird fleeting warmth that never quite sticks. it comes and goes in the blink of an eye.

george is on an emotional rollercoaster, crashing after every high just to be thrown back up again seconds later. he's being thrown around in a torture machine of his own creation and he can't get out, not even with his best friend by his side.

to make matters worse, his confession about being depressed has been hanging over them for days. it's like, every time the sun starts to set, sapnap tries to initiate a deep conversation to urge george to open up about his feelings.

george doesn't see why the ravenette thinks it will work, especially in this setting when they are together in person, face to face. george struggles to talk about his emotions over text, let alone in a position as intimate as sharing a couch. to him, being together physically immediately lays off the possibility of a serious conversation.

even when he was drunk with wilbur a month or two ago, he cut off the start of a serious conversation before his big mouth had time to dig too deep.

still, it seems as though sapnap is yet to pick up the hint. that, or dream is on the other end of the phone silently urging the ravenette to keep trying. george understands their concern because, honestly, he is worried for himself too, but he doesn't want to waste his time with sapnap talking about how sad he is when the ravenette isn't there.