that one stained shirt | mark lee

prologue: the day we broke

April 2013

It was one of the first proper spring days in Chicago. The sun would stay out a little longer just to cover the entire city in a golden glow. I was walking down our street with my best friend, Tanya, when a familiar voice boomed from our driveway. I nudged her arm, and we hid behind one of Mrs. Kellermark's bushes. It wasn't unusual to her yelling from our house, but it was always dad shouted. This time it was my mom.

What happened now?

I saw her and Johnny, my older brother, who had just a few months to graduate high school, arguing in front of our front door. Dad must have been at work because he would never let this behavior slip. Their voices seemed loud, even from here, and it was easy to make up their conversation. I pricked up my ears and signaled Tanya to be completely silent.

"No, Ma, I wanna go there and do it. I have a chance! Mrs. Brown told me I had a talent for singing and I had been practicing dancing too!"

"What kind of job is that, Johnny? You could be a doctor or a lawyer-"

"I hate biology, Ma. I hate every single subject you want me to be good at."

"So just study more!"

"No! I don't wanna do these jobs, okay? I wanna be a performer, a singer!"

"A singer? Singer for what? To be broke and eat litter? You're ridiculous!"

"I've already told Dad." he said, and Mom froze in her tracks. "And he said he'd think about it."

"Mad man, your father! Unless it's a good medicine or law university, you're not going anywhere. You heard me?"

And then she disappeared into the house.

☆

"What do you mean you're sneaking out?" I whisper-yelled at Johnny, who was marching around his room, packing stuff into a sports bag. It was almost three in the morning. If Mom knew we were even awake, we'd have slipper bruises on our backs.

"The thing I'm saying, Jess! I will not sit here and let them destroy my future. The auditions are in two days, and I need to get to New York. I've already found a place there to stay."

The look on his face is something I'd never forget. He was angry but also hurt and I didn't know what more to do to convince him to stay. He's never been so determined towards something.

"So, you really wanna be a singer?" I asked while constantly watching him. "You wanna fly to Korea?"

He sighed and stopped briefly just to give me a tired glance. "Yes, Jess. That's what I want. I'm not to be a great biomedical chemist." He threw a T-shirt into his bag with force.

"But do you understand that if you leave, I'll have to do what they wanted you to do?" I stepped closer and dramatically threw up my hands. I haven't even realized I felt like this. He's mentioned him great plan once or twice, but I always thought a miracle would have to happen for our parents to let him go. Now we stood right in front of it, and I understood what it meant for me. "What if I don't wanna do any of that? I have my own dreams!"

I was eleven. I shouldn't have known his leave would ruin my life and our family. I wanted to see a hero in him as I always have, but that night, it hit me hard.

"I don't care, Jessica. You've got plenty of time to do things on your own. I have two months. If I don't leave now, I will never, do you hear me?" he turned sharply, and I saw the anger and annoyance in his eyes. It was him against the rest of us. "I live for me, not for you!"

A heavy silence surrounded us, and I felt the tears on the brim of my eyes.

Right, you live only for yourself.

Without a word, I left his room and sprinted into my own. Lights off, I jumped into my bed, pulled the blanket over my head, and cried into it, trying not to be too loud. My pillow was soon drenched, but I didn't care. At that moment, my heart ached, and my mind overflowed with things I wish I had told him. For the first time, I felt a genuine fury towards my brother.

That night, I realized I was an obstacle in his dreams - a burden he had to bear on his shoulders for so long.

So, I backed away. I listened to the rustling of the tree, as he was climbing down, and forcefully closed my heart to him.

Good luck, Johnny, I wished in my mind and closed my eyes. I hope that after you graduate, we won't ever see each other again.