Wrong Number

Shadow Preachers

Song: Shadow Preachers

Cover Artist: Sleeping With Sirens (Original Artist: Zella Day)

^^^

As I walked to my bedroom, I peeked into Kiki's room. She laid on her bed, her back facing the door. I could tell her earbuds were in, and she was most likely listening to some sad emo songs. From the moment dad left, she was more depressed than before. She rarely said anything more than a few words to anyone. She'd lock herself in her room and listen to sad songs all day.

It felt like a cry for help. I wanted to talk to her and figure out what's been going on, but I could never think of a good way to start. Like Tylor said, even if I reached my hand out to her, there was no guarantee she'd grab on. Most likely, she'd push me away and say everything was fine.

But Tylor had also mentioned how she was likely pushing people away because she thought we'd push her away first. I'd never want to push her away, not when she was desperate for help. Even though I could tell this would be an awkward conversation, since I didn't know how to start it, I had to try.

Knocking on her bedroom door, it didn't surprise me that she didn't acknowledge me. I opened her door further and walked in, sitting on the edge of her bed. She glanced up from her phone at me before looking back down at it. I didn't move or say anything as I waited for her to pull out her earbuds.

"Can I help you?"

"What are you listening to?"

"Shadow Preachers by Sleeping With Sirens. Why?"

I knew that song. It was a good song, but also depressing. The lyrics were dark and painful, everything she reflected to us. Could that be her way of reaching out to me?

"I like that song," I commented, and she nodded. "It's one of those songs I listen to whenever I feel sad and just want to... be sad, you know?"

"Yup."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Do you listen to that song when you're sad?"

She sighed loudly as she sat up. "Look, I know what you're doing. I don't give a shit. I just want to be sad and listen to my sad music. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Of course not," I firmly stated.

"Then why are you bothering me?"

"Because I'm worried about you."

"Why? I'm fine."

I opened my mouth, ready to argue and tell her she wasn't fine, but that wasn't up to me to say. Whenever she was ready to reach out for help, that was when I could help her. Until then, all I could do was show her how I'd be there for her whenever she needed me.

"Well, good," I said. "Ever since dad left, you've seemed extra depressed, and I've been worried about you. If you say you're good, then I'm glad. I want you to be happy, because I love you." I patted her knee as I stood up. "If you ever feel sad and need to talk, I'm here for you. Whether you want to talk about it or just listen to music in silence, I'll be right across the hall."

Before I walked out of her room, Kiki called out to me. I turned to her. "Do you... want to listen to some music, anyway?"

Smiling, I nodded. "I'd love to. Any new metal tracks you think I should know about?"

She smiled back. "I can think of a few."

For the next two hours, we laid on her bed, our feet by each other's heads, listening to metal music. Neither of us said a word, unless it was me asking what the song was and who wrote it. I didn't expect her to say anything else as we laid there, and I wouldn't have forced her to either. If sitting and listening to music was what she needed, I'd be there for her.

Kiki turned down her music on her phone, and I looked over at her. "I..." She swallowed as she sat up. "I hate being moody... you know."

I sat up to face her better.

"When dad first left, I was sad. Everyone kept calling me emo, because I didn't want to talk about it, and I thought that was what I was supposed to be," she explained. "I'd hear you guys downstairs laughing and making jokes, and it felt like you were all able to move on while I couldn't. I feel like I'm trapped in this clear box where I can see everyone else growing and moving on, but I'm not allowed to." She looked down and played with her fingers in her lap. "I don't like how he hates you or mom, but I feel like I'm supposed to love him anyway. And then I feel guilty for loving him and then guilty for feeling guilty, and I can't seem to stop feeling guilty no matter what I do."

I knew exactly how she felt. I didn't want to love dad anymore when he left, but I felt like I was supposed to. It took me a long time to figure out how to move on. Meanwhile, Kiki was waiting for someone to tell her what to do, but there was no one right way to go through grief. She had to do it herself, but without someone to help guide her through her emotions, she couldn't.

"You don't have to love dad if you don't want to." She looked up at me and quirked her eyebrow. "I don't. It took me a long time to move on from what happened, but it never fully left me. That was extra clear when he came back. Some days are just going to suck more than others."

"How do you get through the bad days?"

"It counts to have people you know who love you and want to be there for you." I smiled and grabbed her hands. "We love you, and we care about you. Me, mom, and Stacy all do. I promise."

She sniffled and let go of my hands to wipe her eyes. "I hate this. I hate everything! Why do I still have to love him when I hate him so fucking much?"

I grabbed Kiki and pulled her into my chest. She wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her head in my chest.

"I just want to feel okay, but I can't. Why couldn't I just move on and be happy like you?"

I squeezed her tighter and cried with her. "It's going to be okay. We're here for you- I'm here for you. You don't have to go through this alone anymore."

"But I am. You've moved on, and you're eventually going to tell me I have to move on, too-"

"Never ever think that I will ever say anything like that to you," I demanded as I pulled her away from my chest. I stared into her eyes as I wiped away a new set of tears. "You need help. We are going to be here for you. No one will get impatient. We want what's best for you, and we want for you to be happy. Please, let us help you."

Nodding quickly, Kiki squeezed her eyes closed as she dove into my chest and hugged me again. I held her tightly, rubbing her back as we cried our eyes out.