All My Stars

Chapter 3

TW: PANIC ATTACKS, SH

I thought about what was happening. I realised I should talk to Shelby about this. I told Shelby how much Alex meant to me and how's she's the reason we're not talking anymore.

She said she feels bad but honestly she doesn't even look like she feels bad. After that she said something that made me realise that she's manipulative and she's not sorry at all. What she said?

" I feel like I would hate me if I was in your position but I feel like since I'm your friend you would try to understand"

Excuse me? Just because she's my friend doesn't mean I won't hate her. What she did was terrible. I couldn't see myself forgiving her.

After we went back home, Shelby and I were texting. She told me I should text Alex about it. I started texting Alex but I didn't know what to say or how to say it so I gave my Instagram account to Tracy to text Alex. I knew it was wrong, especially because Alex and Tracy were exes. They started to fight and Tracy started to roast him. It was honestly funny but I really didn't want Alex to view me as a bad person.

The next day, I texted Alex telling him that it wasn't me who texted him. I told him that we should talk about and he agreed. I told him everything I was feeling and he just got mad. He was mad that I gave my account to Tracy. That was understandable. He was also mad that I blocked him. Yes, I did blocked him. What happened?

I was talking about Alex to Daniela before anyone knew about it. She told me maybe Alex likes Shelby and I was thinking about it and yes, it did seem that Alex liked Shelby. Daniela was asking if she should ask Alex if he likes Shelby. I told Shelby there was no need for that.

When I went home, I got a text from Daniela. She told me that she messed up. It turns out she asked Alex if he liked Shelby and Alex got really mad and blocked her. I asked Alex about it and he didn't reply me. He had all night and morning to reply but he didn't. I decided to block him because I knew he was ignoring me. He would always sleep late and wake up early. He was texting Shelby for sure. He would reply to me if I was a priority for him.

He then told me he did reply. He replied an hour after I blocked him. If I had just waited. At the same time, I'm not sorry I blocked him. He knew I blocked him but couldn't care to ask me about it.

I then told him I was jealous because he's talking to Shelby more than me and that he has forgotten about me. He got mad because I said that. He asked me if  all of this happened because I was jealous and I said yes. He got mad but I think being jealous was a perfectly good reason. At one point, he thought I liked him but I assured him that I don't and that jealousy does not only accure in relationships but also friendships.

He told me he was mad and stopped texting me. I still texted him but he wouldn't reply. It has been 2 days and I would keep texting him but he wouldn't reply. I was done with him at that point. I lowered my ego and humiliation for him and texted him sorry for 2 days straight just for him to not care. I was apologising even though I shouldn't be the one to apologise.

I was finally done with it. I sent him a paragraph and blocked him. I was also not in the right mind to talk to Shelby. I sent her a paragraph but I didn't block her. She just replied with 'ok'. She texted Daniela and told her "she could have just blocked me at this point". Yes, I could have blocked her but I didn't because she was my friend. Just at that time, she posted a note saying 'cringe'. I was shocked. I didn't even hesitate to block her. After all that I opened up to her and all that I said in the paragraph, she called me cringe.

Just because she was created in this world, my life was ruined. I knew my actions were the reason of this consequences but what made me act that way? It was her. She was the reason that all of this happened.

I could feel myself going back to that black hole that I was once in. This time deeper and worse. At this time, the only thing that got me happy was texts from Tracy. I'm so glad I had Tracy with me during that time.

On one night, I was texting my friend in Instagram and my mom asked who I was texting. I told my friend and she asked me to show her. I quickly switched to WhatsApp and showed her. She went to archived and saw my text messages with Alex. I just went to my room despite my mother screaming at me.

One thing you should know about me is that I don't have privacy. There's nothing that I can do without my mother knowing about it. My mom came to my room asking me to unlock my phone and I said no. I denied.

It happened so fast that I didn't know what happened. She started to get mad and I got so scared I started hyperventilating. I was crying at that time. Before I even know it, I started having a panic attack. I couldn't calm down. My mom didn't know I was having a panic attack and started screaming at me asking me to stop this drama. She was making it a lot worse. I was so terrified that time. I was trying to calm myself down because I felt if I didn't I would probably die. It felt like I was going to die. All I could think about was to calm down and suddenly I thought that I could just grab my blade and end it right here. But I promised myself I would never touch the blade again. It was something I could never do because I have seen what I could do if I was mad. I couldn't possibly imagine what I would do at this state. My father came in and tried to comfort me but he was all wrong about what was happening. I felt really sad that my father would think that. Not really surprised but at that time I felt helpless. I called my brother thinking he would at least know that I'm having a panic attack. He didn't. I kept asking my mom to give me her phone so I could call Shelby. I knew she would understand and knew what to say. I couldn't use my phone because my mom would know I had Instagram then. I kept begging my mom for her phone while still having the panic attack. She started screaming at me making it worse everytime I tried to calm down. My mom started threatening me saying she would leave the house and never come back if I don't stop. My parents started telling me to stop crying and we would go get ice cream. I couldn't care about anything that time. All I could think of was breathing. I couldn't take it anymore that I ran to another room and locked myself in it. My mom started banging the door and crying. She kept asking me why I was doing this to her. I honestly don't know. I was having a panic attack and she's making me feel worse more than I already do. At that point, she told me I should come out of the room and she would not ask anything. She was telling me that my grandmother was sleeping and my brother has school tomorrow and I'm disturbing. At that time, while I was having a panic attack, barely knowing anything about panic attacks, all my mother cared about was her mother and her son, while I was suffering.

During that time, while I locked myself in the room, I texted Shelby but she didn't reply. After a few seconds, she replied but she acted as if she didn't care. I could see she didn't care. She probably thought I was faking it.

After I had come down, I went to sleep. I finally came out of the room. After everyone slept, I started texting Shelby about it. Suddenly my mother barged into my room and asked what I was doing. I said nothing. After so much of convincing, I finally told her I had Instagram. She was relieved it wasn't anything bad. She then asked me if because of that I did the drama before. I didn't reply. She still calls it the drama, until now. She doesn't know I had a panic attack. No one would ever understand the pain I went thru that night. I wish no one feels what I felt that night, how I was so scared not knowing what was wrong with me, all alone trying to breath. I hope I never feel what I felt that night ever again.