I sat in a little chair in the principals office at blessed sarcarment elementary school. My little heart pounding with sheer terror. I was 7 years old with long thick black hair tied in a ponytail. I wore a cute little plaid dress and my brown eyes were widened and filled with panic. I was in big trouble. My 1st grade teacher had just sent me to the principal's office for writing the most horrific and disturbing essay known to man. She was so disturbed in fact, she had even called the police. And I knew I could get in trouble for what I wrote about. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I didn't know my teacher would call the police. My principal walked in staring at me sternly. She was going to talk to me while the police spoke to my new mommy. My crimes must have truely sickened the principal to the core. And what was my crimes exactly? Being afraid of someone I shouldn't have been.
Weeks earlier My 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Tubmen announced there would be a second teacher teaching us. This was normal. We already had two separate teacher teaching us art and P.E. so another teacher teaching another subject wasn't that unusual. So Mrs. Tubmen proceeded to lead us to the new teacher's room. The 2nd teacher, (whom I'm just going to call Mrs. A) smiled at us eagerly.
"Good morning children. Today I'm going introduce you to my friend Ernie. He's going to help us with our lesson today. Ernie why don't you explain to the class what you do." She happily said. I froze in terror. Ernie was a big fat man with a bit of facial hair around his chin, he also had a bit of facial stubble lightly around his mouth and nose. He wore a red shirt and jeans and a pair of round glasses. But that wasn't why I froze. I froze because I thought I saw him wearing blue eyeshadow. That made me scared because the only man I knew of who wore eyeshadow was a tall scary man I used to know before I was old enough to start school. The scary man was a tall man with a 5 o clock shadow. Like most men he had big broad shoulders and muscley arms but unlike most men he liked wearing makeup and dresses. Don't remember why he liked doing these things but i recall it being because he wanted to be a woman. He was even growing tiny boobs, something i thought only women and fat guys could do. And this guy was not fat! Anyway the scary man used to encourage me to do weird things with my body that hurt me and made me uncomfortable. I didn't like doing the things but the scary man said I had to do them for my well being. My new mommy got me away from him and told me the scary man was a bad man who I should be afraid of. But that wasnt enough to stop him. One night just before i started kindergarten, i overheard my parents talking about how they had seen him slowly driving by my house. ever since then I was afraid the scary man would return and try to make me do the weird things again. everytime I saw any man at all I was scared it was the scary man. Especially if the guy in question wore women's clothes or makeup like the scary man used to. Whenever I saw any man wearing makeup and/or women's clothing, or honestly anything that reminded me of him, this horrible feeling would wash over me. I swear it's the most awful feeling in the world!! It was the feeling of being extremely helpless and scared like a bad person was about to do bad things to me. And i get this strong urge to run away from this person before they try to hurt me. i also saw no mental images when I felt the feeling. I only felt the feeling, nothing else. So when i saw this new guy Ernie possibly wearing eyeshadow I was petrified the scary man had finally found me. Even if the scary man wasn't fat, he could have gained lots of weight since i last saw him. So during the whole class I tried to keep as much distance in-between me and him. And that more or less worked until Mrs. A asked us to turn in our worksheets to him. I immedately refused. Mrs. A, demanded to know why. So I tried to explain the whole situation with the scary man and I remember the whole class staring at me like I was crazy. None of my peers believed there was actually such a thing as a man who wanted to be a woman. Let alone one who also enjoyed watching little girls doing uncomfortable things with their bodies. Mrs. A angrily insisted I had no reason to be afraid of her friend and Ernie insisted he had never seen me before today. So I tried to explain the weird things more clearly to Mrs. A and finally she seemed to get it. I wasn't sure why but something about the uncomfortable things the scary man was making me do always made grownups realize the scary man was bad. Mrs. A told me I should go talk to the principal so I left but when I got there and tried to explain the situation, the principal just said:
"I don't know what your talking about. Your teacher just said you were disrupting her class and you should be given a detention."
I was horrified. I walked back to class in shock. My new teacher was waiting for me when I arrived.
"Did you enjoy getting your detention?" She asked sweetly.
"No. Why did you give me a detention?" I asked.
"Because you falsely accused my good friend of something horrible and if you continue disrupting my class, you can just get used to having detentions everyday." She replied.
The next day my new teacher brought a new friend to class. Once Again the friend was part of the lesson talking to us about himself and his job. This time it was a tall skinny man named Allen. He wasn't crossdressing like the scary man used to, but he was still a tall man and wearing creepy dark clothes ontop of that, so I was still afraid of he was the scary man regardless. After all the scary man was tall.
Mrs. A glared at me when I refused to come near her new friend. And once again I got detention. The day after that, she again brought another friend to class and This time I even tried to act like I wasn't afraid of Mrs. A's new friend. and it worked until Mrs. A demanded to know why I was protectively covering myself up around her friend. I didn't even know I was doing that!so once again I received detention.
Mrs. A sneered at me as she handed me another detention slip. I had gotten detention from her all week.
"You know I'm only doing this for your own good. You have zero rights to be afraid of anybody like this. So as long as you keep being afraid of people, im going to keep giving you detentions." She told me.
"I can't be afraid of anyone? Even the scary man?" I asked.
"I don't know your 'scary man' so No. Not even him"
She told me.
I wondered if I was truly was in the wrong for being afraid of the scary man. After all he said he was helping me with my well being. That sounds like something a good grownup would want. I asked my mom about it, but she simply reassured me that No that man was NOT a good man. And I had every right to be afraid of him. I felt even more confused, but I didn't tell her what was going at school. Mom's reassurance was enough, that I felt I could still handle things on my own.
However when i got home, things got worse. I overheard my parents talking about how they saw the scary man slowly driving by my house again. And I was petrified. The scary man was in fact still around and he was looking for me again.
I hoped and prayed Mrs. A would understand that I needed to be afraid of the scary man!
But when I explained the situation she laughed at me.
"You think you should be allowed to be afraid of this guy just because he's driving by your house? Has he even attempted to grab you yet?" Mrs. A scoffed.
"Well...no." I mumbled.
"Well then you have no reason to be scared. And of course you'll be receiving detention for this." She sweetly smiled.
"What?!? But class hasn't even started yet! I'm not disrupting anything!" I protested.
"It doesn't matter. You're still afraid of someone you shouldn't be. Have fun in detention." Mrs. A sneered.
So the next day I had a wicked idea. I put on my best acting skills, came in crying, and told Mrs. A the scary man actually did attempt to grab me. But Mrs. A just looked at me skeptically.
"Oh Really? Did he succeed?" She asked.
"No..." I replied.
"Then you have no reason to be scared." She replied.
"Well Actully he did succeed grabbing me and I was locked up for hours! They had to call in a whole swat team to get me out!" I lied. But Mrs. A only slammed her pen down in anger.
"I knew it! You're a little lier! I should give you a whole week's worth of detentions for this!! " She yelled. I trembled in fear.
But I didn't receive a whole week's worth of detentions for that, I simply got one detention.
I sat in the detention quietly while the detention teacher was sitting across the table keeping a eye on me.
"Geez you sure have been getting a lot of detentions. why are you getting in trouble so much?" She asked.
"It's because I'm scared of people I shouldn't be. My teacher doesn't like that." I replied, hanging my head in shame.
"Well she shouldn't be punishing you for that" The detention teacher responded, as she tapped her fingers on the table.
"Maybe I should talk to her."
When Mrs. A found out I told another teacher about her, she yelled at me. She said I was trying to get her in trouble and I was a bad student. I felt bad for getting Mrs. A in trouble. I also felt bad for being afraid of the scary man. He was only trying to help my well being. And I was afraid of him for it. Clearly i was in the wrong. So anyway one day my regular teacher Mrs. Tubmen announced we were to write a essay about who our hero was. I thought about it good and hard. I knew who my hero was. It was my new mommy. But in order to explain why my new mommy was my hero I would need to explain everything that happened with the scary man.
So here I was in the principals office for writing an essay so horrific and disturbing my teacher called the police. The principal sat down sternly then she began to read My essay.
"My name is Rebekah. I am 7 years old and sometimes i touch myself. " She started.
"Is that appropriate for school, young lady?" She asked me.
"No" I replied, quietly.
"This is the man. The man likes to wear dresses and red lipstick. He also likes to watch me touch myself. He loves it so much, he encourages me to do it lots."
The principal looked up at me in shock then kept reading.
"One day the man noticed I wasn't touching myself the right way so he put his fingers inside me to show me how to do it right."
The principal looked up horrified.
"I didn't like it when the man put his fingers in me. It made me feel weird and uncomfortable. But I know he was only doing it for my well being."
"Am I in trouble because I'm scared of that man? I'm sorry. I'll try not to be. He was just trying to make me do things for my well being. Really weird things but good things all the same." I asked.
"No!! Your not in trouble!! And He was NOT helping your well being!! Young lady, is he still in your life?" The principal asked.
"Keep reading." I replied.
"One day my new mommy saw me with the scary man and she got me away from him. Then she cut all contact with him so I would never have to see him again. Now I can touch myself However I want, and i can do it in ways that don't hurt me. That's why my mommy is my hero. But you dont have to be concerned because i know the man is a good person who was only looking out for my well being and I know I'm not supposed to be afraid of him so I will try not to be anymore so you don't have to punish me."
The principal looked down again.
"Who said you weren't supposed be afraid of him." She asked.
"My teacher Mrs. A. She says he hasn't even attempted to grab me yet so I have no reason to be scared." I replied.
"One attempt is all it might take." She replied.
So the principal then told me I had every right to be afraid of the scary man and then I later found out Mrs. A had been fired. Then all the teachers set to work getting me not to be afraid of every man who looked or dressed similar to the scary man. Every time I looked afraid they would remind me they were on my side and I had every right to be afraid of the scary man. At first I was skeptical but eventually I started trusting people more. Just because someone looks similar to the scary man doesn't mean they were going to hurt me. Then later I even started working on not being afraid of feminine men. It was very hard work. But eventually i stopped feeling that horrible feeling. Tho I'm honestly still working on overcoming this fear to this very day. As for who the scary man was, my new mommy told me when I was 16. You see I am adopted. And The scary man was my father. And the most horrifying part of this was he was actually fighting my adoptive mommy for custody of me until I got officially adopted at 9 years old.
