Traumatic

Traumatized - 4

!BIG TW - Self Harm, Panic Attack, PTSD, Anxiety!

Charlies pov:
I walk around, stressed, in my room. I hear Ben talking downstairs, and Nick not hearing him just makes me panic more. A claustrophobic feeling spreads through my body and suddenly I get all the memories back. My body began to shake uncontrollably.
"Charlie, there's no one here. It must be your head telling you these things" I hear Nick say, sitting on the bed. He's just trying to calm me down, but the fact that I can both see and hear Ben doesn't change anything. My heart starts pounding so hard and every breath I take is thick and heavy. I feel him, I see him, how he's over me, putting his hands on my naked body - it's like he's still clinging to me. Tears start to run down my cheeks and I have a feeling off both despair and anger.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and I quickly turn around. Nick stands there and I see his eyes filled with worry. He tries to get my attention, but it's like I'm not alive. All I see is Ben. All I see is what he did to me. I am completely paralyzed, unable to do or think about anything else.
"Charlie, listen to me," Nick says calmly but firmly. "You're here, with me. In your room. You're safe." Nicks words reach me slowly through all my thoughts. I try to focus on him and his voice, try to take in the fact that I'm not alone in this - and the fact that Ben isn't really here. I'm just imagining it. I hear how nick is still keep taking but his talk is just a big mumble for me. I try to clam myself down, but can't. Pictures flying around me. When I realize I can't get rid of the horrible feeling about Ben, I panic more and more. It's like my anxiety is suffocating me. I look at Nick who is still standing in front of me, worried. Suddenly a sense of confinement rushes through my body and I, without thinking, yell at Nick to leave.

Nicks pov:
Im standing here, scared and worried, in front of Charlie. Right now he's probably having some kind of PTSD - attack that I'm trying to help him get out of, by talking with him. But it's like he doesn't hear me. His eyes are looking at me, but he is not looking at me. This makes me more worried and I don't really know how to handle this situation - how can I tell Charlie that everything is fine if he dosen't hear me.

"GO!" Charlie suddenly shouts, snapping me out of my own thoughts. I barely have time to think of what he said before Charlie grabs my arms and drags me to the bedroom door. He is crying and in panic mood.

"NICK, GO, GET OUT" He screams over and over. I try to resist his strength and tell him I'm not going anywhere, but suddenly I'm standing outside Charlie's room and I get the door slammed in my face. After a little while, after realizing what's just happened, I start pulling Charlie's door, begging him to open. But the door is locked and I don't get an answer, which makes me panic even more.

Charlies pov:
I just slammed the door in Nick's face? Why? I'm a fucking freak right now, why did this have to happen to me, why did I have to be Ben's victim? After I lock the door to my bedroom, I throw myself on the bed and burst into tears. It's like everything have taken over my body and I'm not in control anymore. My whole body is shaking, crying, I'm having flashbacks, my heart is pounding, I can't breathe. I feel like a prisoner in my own head. My own body.

After much crying, panic and anxiety, a thought strikes me. I know it's a stupid thought - but I have to. I get up from the bed and go to my desk where I open the desk drawer. In front of me I see many things lying, paper, pencils - but above all - a pair of scissors. Without thinking, I quickly grab it and run back to the bed. I pull the scissors towards my arm. The pain is like a release from the chaos inside me and I keep cutting myself, over and over. The tears mix with my blood on my arm as I continue to cut and I know this is wrong, but I just can't stop - I see no other way out right now. This is the only way to be able to forget everything for a second.

Here I sit, alone, in my bed, with blood everywhere. Suddenly I hear someone trying to get in through my door, and before I can think, the door is flung open. Confused and overwhelmed, I look up to see Tori standing in the doorway with a shocked expression.
"Charlie, what- what have you done?" her voice is filled with panic when she sees me, the blood flowing from my arms and all the bloody stains on the bed and on the floor around me. This was the last thing I needed, the knowledge that I had disappointed Tori as well. I try to scream at her to leave me alone, that I don't want her to see me like this, but my words don't come out, there is only tears that escapes my mouth. My body shakes as I try to hide my bloody arms behind my back.

Tori slowly walks into the room, her eyes filled with sadness and worry.
"Charlie, please, you need to calm down" she says softly as she approaches me carefully. I shake my head and try to yell at her to leave me alone again. But Tori ignores my protests and sits down, calmly, next to me on the bed. She pulls me into a hug. She's so good at keeping herself calm in those situations. I thing that's what's make me being able to calm down as well.
"I'm here, Charlie," she says calmly, gently stroking my back. "It's just you and me." Her warm touch give me a sense of comfort in the midst of my panic. I close my eyes and try to breathe deeply, trying to focus on her presence instead of my own thoughts and flashbacks.