"All i've ever wanted is a quite life that i can enjoy, with someone who makes my heart heavy with joy and safety" says Athena.
After she gets diagnosed with glioblastoma, she decides to live her life the way she wanted, slowly accepting her fate of...
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"Take me by the hand,
as long as you're here,
i'd go anywhere with you."
A few days have passed, maybe three or four.
It's finally the weekend, and i feel like i needed some time away from work, from the whole pressure and also from the doctor's appointments; i spent this morning doing pilates and journaling my thoughts and feeling, because i tend to forget things a lot lately.
A lot of things have been in my mind, i needed to make up my mind, and if i made the one decision that i'm thinking about now, how do i tell anyone? how do i say 'i don't want to get any treatment because i will have to die anyway'? is there any easy way to go through it?
i have a lot of questions in my mind, and a lot of decisions to make, yet i'm still having an argument with my mom right now about the least important subject ever.
"i'm just saying, you don't have to work if you don't want to" she speaks her mind.
"and i'm telling you that i do want to" i say, but she doesn't seem like she understood at all.
"but why? why do you need to work when you need to be resting and putting your time and effort into getting treatment?" she says.
I sigh, "that is something for me to decide".
She looks taken aback when she asks, "what does that mean?" she speaks in a demanding yet concerned tone and it pains me yet somehow irritates me that i'm having this conversation right now when i have no energy to deal with it.
"I will turn 26 in a few months mom, i'm not a kid anymore, if i want to work i will, if i want to get treatment i will, and if i don't then i don't; i know that you are worried, i know that and i feel you but you're not the one who is sick so give me a little break and don't treat me like a piece of glass that can be broken at any time, i can't give my life or the time that i have left to my treatments hoping that it will all work out in the end, i want to live, not just survive." i say, all one sentence, my voice keeps cracking but i don't stop speaking, "i'm tired of being strict with my life decisions, and doing what i should do and not what i want to do" i finally let it all out, tears falling one after the other, it doesn't seem like i can control my emotions anymore, "why should i get treatment when i will have to die anyway?" i add the last sentence and cover my face with my hands, i sob for a while as silence takes place in the house.
"But i don't want to lose you again" she speaks in a low broken voice and i sob even more at those words.
"i know" i say lowly before i feel her hands wrapping around me, she hugs me tightly, "i'm sorry" she repeats that word a few times.
"I'm sorry too" i say, we both end up apologizing and hugging until we hear the door open.
