Scars and Kisses

Self

                                       SAINT

It's been a while since I've been outside of my room. Like...three days. I was going through my usual depressive episodes and when that happens I tend to just stay in my room so I can try to regulate myself. But since my older brothers birthday is today, I pushed myself out of bed for him. Santino turns 26 today and is going to get crowned as heir of the Costa Mafia tonight at the annual ball. Apart from being the first born, Santino has all the qualities to become the Don. He was ruthless, smart, a little conceited. All right VERY conceited. I mean my brother was a fucking force to be reckoned with. He was already feared throughout the world.....so it's only natural that he would be Don. Don't get me wrong though, being Don isn't something I want. Being the face of the mafia honestly just makes me want to curl up in a corner. I'm the exact opposite of my big brother. I hate the attention that comes with being in this family. Mom and dad know it as well. Hence why they NEVER force me to do anything I don't want. Gotta love them for that. They were there along with my brother when I was diagnosed with BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. It's hard to regulate and identify what I'm feeling most of the time. And....i hate it. I feel very vulnerable because of it. It feels as if I'm on a roller coaster. That and it feels as if the whole world is looking down at me. I'm more....different. I guess that's why my family is more protective of me. I mean as a child of the mafia I learned how to defend my self and I was pretty good at it, but that doesn't really stop them from killing ANYONE who so much as looks at me badly. Especially Santino. He was the most protective of me. One time when I was alone at a park, these 2 men came at me with the intention to rob me. I could have easily took them down but decided to walk away. I tend to use violence as my last resort. And as I walked away one of them walked up to me and grabbed me by my arm. And then it went red. Red with blood. I looked down at the guy who had grabbed me getting absolutely beaten by Santino. He leaned into the guys ear and whispered something before the guy passed out. He got off him and walked up to me . I hated when he would defend me, and he knew it too. But he didn't care. I looked down at my feet before he grabbed me by my arm and took me home. Like a little kid. He would do anything to make sure that anyone who harms me in any way shape or form is 6ft in the ground. Santino would do anything for his family. I envy him sometimes. He's everything I'm not. He was tall, standing at 6'3, wide built with a ripped body. I was barely 5'9 at 20 years old. My body wasn't ripped like his but lean. You can make out my abline if you really look at my body. I was more paler than Santino. And while he had brown hair with blue eyes. I had black hair with black eyes. His faced was much more defined than mine. He had a light stubble and always wore his emotions on his face. Especially his eyes. When he was angry, I swear you could almost see fire in his blue eyes. Of course, he would never show anger towards me or his family. That was only something his enemies would see.I looked more like a ghost if I'm being honest. And while he was attracted to attention from women...I have never really been attracted to anyone. As I said....i can barely handle myself, so it made no sense in being involved with anyone. I've had sex once. When I was 18. I wanted to feel normal but having sex isn't something that I felt like I needed. I had to force myself to get in the mood. My sex drive....well let's just say it feels like I could go the rest of my life without having sex again. I feel as if everyone walks on eggshells when they are around me. Like I might break any second. I mean...they weren't wrong. It did feel like that, but I managed to always stay in control of myself,at least in front of other people. I promised myself that I would never let anyone look at how brittle I was on the inside.

After my shower, I headed down to the kitchen to get something to drink. I looked around the kitchen to see if I could spot my mom but she wasn't there.

"Hey Saint" .I heard a voice from behind me making me jump up and drop the glass of water I was drinking. I turned around and saw my brother looking at me it's a smirk. I rolled my eyes at him.