Hinged, Grown and Sexy

22. Blood over Water

When I thought about going back home, there were two emotions that often waged war: dread and excitement. Usually, the dread was a result of all the things that I'd have to fix, but excitement to see everyone outweighed it nine times out of ten.

Except this time, the dread was because I was sitting on the passenger side of Dezmon's car when I knew I shouldn't be. Or at the very least, I could've—and should've—told Eli about what was going on.

He was blissfully ignorant to the turmoil in my life, and there really wasn't a good enough reason as to why.

Mostly, I told myself he just couldn't understand. But there was a part of me that owed this slice of my life to Dezmon. We were two sides of the same coin, and... we deserved each other.

Dezmon would dedicate no more time to me than I would to him, and promises would always be kept because we wouldn't bother to make them.

I'd only disappoint Eli just like I was doing now. It would save us both the hurt if I stopped pretending I was capable of more.

"Do you remember when we used to clerk for Judge Matthis, and we got snowed into the office?" Dezmon asked, turning every so often to catch my eyes.

A smile tugged at my lips as the memory distracted me from familial worry.

Contrary to what you might think, Dezmon and I hadn't gotten along when we'd first met. It made sense with the crabs-in-a-barrel mindset that permeated both our minds and drove our work ethic.

Neither of us could afford to be second and that had led to an almost unhealthy competition between us. Eventually, the thin line between love and hate just seemed to snap.

"I remember I was going to get the promotion before you called a truce." I rolled my eyes as I spoke.

"I called the truce? Last time I checked, you were the one that unbuttoned that tight little blouse on Matthis' desk."

Damn, I forgot I did that.

"That was after you kissed me!"

And then dared me to best him. Our relationship was made up of these battles and wars that demanded a winner, and neither of us was capable of backing down.

It made sex unbelievably exciting but made every word in anger seem like thrown lava during an argument. Not that there was ever much to argue over since it required a level of passion we hadn't yet reached.

Dezmon was always distant, even when you thought you were as close as you could possibly get to him. It was like a wall separated us from everything that might make our relationship about more than sex and business.

I always knew our relationship would always be fruitless, in more ways than one.

"I never told you that I craved seeing you every day, Dove." Dezmon admitted softly. It was a tone I'd never heard him use. "Work used to be enough before I met you, but for the first time in my life, I want more. I want you."

My mouth gaped open as I stared at him in complete and utter shock. A confession like this was more than just unexpected, it was improbable. Which is probably why I was stumbling trying to come up with an adequate response.

"Thank you" seemed too detached, and "I want you, too" was a direct betrayal on everything I felt for Eli. It also felt like the final blow that would resign me to my fate.

"You don't have to say anything right now, but I messed up before by not making it clear how I felt. Just focus on your family for now." Dezmon said, effectively putting me out of my misery.

Staring at him, I pondered over how a marriage between us had been so ideal before. It was only until he was about to propose that I realized I was settling for what worked, and not something worth working for.