Inaudible Wishes

Chapter 01 • To Love Life Again is to Love God Again

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I was only 17 when our paths first crossed, and he was 21.

Pero hindi ko naramdaman na mas bata ako. In fact, I felt more mature than him, at least when it came to academics.

But when it came to life, he possessed a wisdom and practicality that far surpassed my own. Wala akong binatbat sa kaniya.

He wasn't my first love, and I wasn't his either. Yet, in the course of our relationship, it felt like we were experiencing everything for the first time.

First embrace. First kiss. And the first time our hands intertwined.

He made me feel like the brightest star in his universe. Lagi niya akong ipinakikilala sa mga taong nakikita namin. He was so proud to have me by his side, even though I, with all my flaws, felt utterly unworthy of his love and adoration. But gradually, my timidness was overshadowed by the confidence he instilled in me.

He was my sunshine, willing to sacrifice anything just to see me smile.

But there was one significant problem.

I kept him hidden. For years, I lived in a constant fear of being caught by my parents. I didn't want them to know about this relationship.

I kept him like a shadow behind me, a secret known only to my closest friends.

I wanted to shield him from the judgments of other people. I was waiting for the right time to come. But I was unsure if we'd ever get there, dahil hindi ko alam kung kailan ako magiging handa. Hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko ba siyang ipakilala nang pormal sa mga magulang ko. It caused him pain. And just like any other relationship, ours eventually crumbled.

It wasn't just because I kept him a secret, but because I made him feel unworthy and unloved in the months leading up to the end of our love story.

I longed for someone better, someone more godly, even though I myself was far from being a godly woman.

He fought hard to hold on, while I let go. I pushed him further and further away, waiting for him to grow tired and leave.

And when he finally did, it shattered me into countless pieces. Only then did I realize the true value of the treasure I had lost when I lost him.

He was willing to nurture our faith together and align our paths with God, but my pride blinded me.

I am 20 now and he is 24.

How are you now, Tim? Will our paths ever cross again?

I took the last few sips of my coffee and allowed myself to drift back into the memories of the past.

∞

"80 kilos," I muttered, filled with disappointment as I stared at the numbers on the weighing scale, though the result didn't come as a surprise.

Humiga ako sa kama at kunot-noong tinitigan ang ceiling ng kuwarto ko. "Why do I keep gaining weight?" I asked myself as though I didn't know the answer.

It just felt unfair. My younger sister had been eating the same amount of food as I did, sometimes even more, yet she effortlessly maintained a fit body without exercising. I knew she was more diligent when it came to household chores, but that alone didn't justify the stark difference.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at muli na namang nag-scroll ng mga old photos para ikumpara ang sarili ko noon sa sarili ko ngayon.

"Hay. Gusto ko na talagang mag-lose ng weight," I said for a hundredth time.

I was starting to doubt myself. Ilang years na 'tong goal ko, pero hindi ko pa rin naa-achieve. Would I ever truly attain that dream? Or would it forever remain a mere fantasy?

Napaka-easy lang namang magkaro'n ng normal na weight sa iba, pero bakit ang hirap-hirap para sa akin?

I cursed my OCD, anxiety, and blamed it on all the situations in my life. If I didn't have these mental illnesses, I could have achieved more things in life in a more rapid way. It was such a fast-paced world.

"God, could you please slow it down?" I silently pleaded, longing for more time for myself. If only I could escape for a year and isolate myself. I wouldn't allow anyone to see me until I became the new person I've always aspired to be.

I felt so ashamed of myself. Obesity had eaten up the joys in my life and my overall health, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I yearned to be someone more beautiful, sexier, smarter, and more responsible. Tingin ko, doon lang ako tunay na magiging masaya.

"Tama na. Okay lang 'yan. Mas importante naman ang nasa loob," I assured myself, offering a comforting pat on my own shoulder. However, deep down, I knew that no matter how much I motivated myself, I would still eventually succumb to societal expectations.

Outer appearance would still win despite and in spite of the kindness and seedlings of goodness I tried to cultivate.

Suddenly, I heard my father's gentle voice as he knocked on my door. "Aneliese, anong oras ka papasok?"

I always kept it locked even for no reason. I didn't want them to see how messy I was. I didn't want them to witness my unorganized room, a reflection of the chaos in my mind.

I glanced at the clock on my wall and gasped, realizing I had only less than an hour left to prepare. Although my university was an hour away, the commute could take longer depending on the traffic.

Lumabas ako ng kuwarto at hindi siya tiningnan. "Anak, baon mo. H'wag mong kalimutang mag-almusal," wika niya nang makita ako. Hindi ko kinuha ang perang binibigay niya kaya't nilagay na lang niya 'yon sa lamesa.

I always felt the love and concern of my father. But whenever I met his eyes, I knew he's also disappointed na pinababayaan ko na ang sarili ko. I knew he cared. But my mind kept lying to me, telling me that they only pitied me. So I remained distant and cold, uttering nothing. And I despised myself for that, for failing to be a good daughter. Sadness was starting to fill my chest. I'm sorry, God.

30 minutes was the shortest preparation I could do. Matapos niyon ay tinawag ko na si tatay upang ihatid ako. I hopped on our car and just let my mind wander. My parents were well-off, yet they instilled in us the value of humility. They never spoiled us, but ensured we had everything we needed.

Seconds before the car started moving, my mother, my younger sister Dainessa, and our little cousin Daley, who was chubby, talkative, and full of life, also climbed in.

Seeing their happy faces, I started to feel guilty. In that moment, I wished I could show how grateful I was to my parents, to be able to kiss them anytime I wanted. I wished I could spend more time with them before I face the world, the harsh reality once again. And I wished I was full of life like Daley, who loved singing anything that stemmed from the bottom of his pure heart.

"Ate, binasa ko 'yong Bible mo kanina. Nasa Genesis pa lang ako," banggit ni Dainessa. She's only 12 years old. "Nilinis ko rin muna, maalikabok na kasi eh."

I snapped for a moment. Siguro nga, nagmukha na lang routine ang buhay at wala na akong bagay na masyadong ikina-eexcite dahil hindi ko na Siya isinasama sa bawat oras ng araw ko.

Kapag kailangan ko ng tulong Niya, doon ko lang naaalalang tawagin Siya. I no longer even remember the time I've last read my Bible and truly breathed in His Word.

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‭‭John‬ ‭1:4‬
The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.