Just A Little Bit Shy

Confessions in the Dressing Room - 20 (Part 2)

"...And I was just scared you were going to end up killing that other kid."

The delivery of that line held complex and multifaceted tones, meanings. One quality was notably, audibly flippant, as if exaggerated carelessly for humorous effect; as if to say, I know you really wouldn't have killed him. However, another facet of Haru's voice carried an undercurrent of accusation, as if to contradict himself, as if to instead mean, but would you have? Were you going to? Could you? Because, for Haru, what he witnessed that day could not be easily dismissed. That memory was terrifying, intense, and complicated.

Frightening, not solely because Y/n was scary when he became that angry, not because of the sudden ease — the abrupt realization Haru was forced to endure; that Y/n was not only strong but vicious. Vicious in character. And such viciousness came worryingly easy for the (h/c) boy. The other child had not stood a chance, no, and Y/n had shown no signs of letting up, no signs of mercy, with his hands around that kid's throat, constricting his airways until Haru couldn't even hear him wheezing anymore. And all little Y/n did was dig his fingers in deeper, bear his weight down more, keeping the thrashing body still. Like a predator fixing its jaws at the point of the prey's jugular, making sure it bled out, tired out its fight, without injuring its attacker (for predators were far more fragile, in their own way).

And Haru wondered, even after all these years — another thought to keep him awake at night — whether that lack of mercy, that unidirectional series of near-homicidal actions, had been impulsivity, or if it had ever meant... something far more insidious; another dangerous thought to consider (but if it was a darker sign, if it meant something scarier, Haru had his suspicions about where such insidiousness spawned from, and that threw his emotions, his thoughts, into further turmoil).

"The only reason I intervened..." Haru could feel the searing heat, where Y/n's palms remained pressing his wrists against the mirror. He, himself, remained leaning forward, as if waiting for the (h/c) boy to return, to stop leaning away (his lips still tingled, he still felt the impression of Y/n's skin against his mouth). The expressiveness of Y/n's face had closed off the unsettling instant the word "killing" spilled from Haru's lips. That was all the more reason Haru needed to continue speaking. Now, now that he finally had his chance to. "...Was to protect you. You weren't letting him go — you can't just kill a kid. There would've been consequences — I didn't want anything to happen to you just because you were..." defending me.

Upset, visibly upset for the first time since I had met you. And you were upset... because of me. What they did to me. And before that incident, Haru never knew whether Y/n cared about him (even if it was a little, just a smidgen, Haru would take it greedily, he didn't need much) or only tolerated him. But Haru knows better now. Y/n... To see near-mute, inexpressive Y/n so instantaneously upset over something so minor done to Haru... Haru would be a liar, to say he never thought about it. It would be dishonest, if Haru claimed he never imagined what that bald, blatant protectiveness could translate into when they were older. Like now. Haru would further tread into falsehoods, if he said he didn't think about it again and again. Think about the lack of hesitation (Y/n's utter loyalty to him unquestionable, absolute), of Y/n now — full of muscle, older, taller, stronger — something felt perverse about the desire. As if Haru had latched onto the first "protector" figure after losing his father; only, Haru hadn't realized Y/n's potential until that incident. At least, never consciously.

After all, wasn't it supposed to be Haru? Saving Y/n from their cruel peers? Wasn't it supposed to be Haru rescuing Y/n from being friendless? From being alone? Unwanted?

But... perhaps Haru had always clung too hard onto Y/n for any of that to be the singular truth. Haru does want to protect Y/n, in any way he can, but he also wants...