Ash (nothing matters but I care)

Ash

The fiery inferno sparkles and cracks and the shadowy nights mystery fades as the love letter to my ex returns to nothing, no longer an interval view of my metaphorical heart, it's pointless ash, just as pointless as the dead stick next to it, it's all ash, everything is ash, you are and I am too and it's inevitable because nothing truly matters when in 3 billion years the sun'll explode and everything humanity has worked for will die. Even when I was a kid the sun's death never scared me more than my own death, there was no real difference to me, I'll have been forgotten by everyone in that time, the sun won't wipe out people with memories of me, or monuments of me because i'm simply a nobody, It'll only kill a pointless species of people which genetically might not even resemble me anymore, they're society won't match mine, I'd say it's a stretch to even call them human at that point, but I do have one point of similarity with them that brings out my sympathy. That being they're just like me, the plants, the sun, my love letter, and the rest of the universe, they're all a dying fiery physically embraced concept with a purpose but in the end we'll all join together, as nothing but ash.

Throughout our lives we all die, all going through constant cycles of rebirth, maybe you're burned in the passion of a lost love and from your ashes rises a cynic, or you'll drown in sin until guilt bloats your body back to the surface and the moment you breath in that human air you realize how shitty of a person you've been. For me it's both, I'm not some villain or hero I'm just another person that was hurt and committed a long list of mistakes that I'll spend the rest of my life working off, not for the promise of heaven or anything, I hate religion, all because when the veil of ego is lifted you realize your own humanity, decisions, and self is all you can be sure you'll have until your last day. I've cheated, lied, had mindless sex, done drugs, hell maybe you've heard I've killed a single person or many but I'd never admit, I don't need some government to reform me. This is my struggle and journey and no one else's. But if I did ever kill someone I wouldn't repent, I have my moments of monstrosity but I'd never kill someone that didn't have it coming to them.

And maybe I'm a paradox. I say nothing matters but somehow I still care. I've been brought to my knees by love and heartbreak, laughed so hard my ribs hurt, and even got so angry I assaulted someone knowing the consequences. But in those moments of passion everything matters, even if it's for just a split second I forget about the inevitably of death, of ash, because I care, even when nothing matters I care, cynics would say it's the chemicals in my brain overriding my ability to think clearly, but, and maybe i'm being over optimistic I like to think it's my humanity shining through, my humanity that might not even exist evolutionary in the next megaannum, but I still care. Regardless of whether it's heaven, hell, rebirth, purgatory, or ash waiting for me, when I die I'll die knowing that through it all I retained my humanity, and when nothing matters all you can really care about is you.