Devastating

Enzish

Chapter 1:
Enzish:
I am so tired. I was studying constantly for eighteen hours straight. I'm working on myself. I want to become a good doctor. That's why I'm doing everything to get admission to medical college. But, it is so hard nowadays to get admission to medicine. I'm doing everything. Last year I took an exam but failed badly. Now, I am trying harder.

My routine is so hectic. I woke up at five am. Do my prayers, go for a jog, and then start studying. At ten I go to my academy, take lectures, and return home at five thirty pm. Then, after I come home I eat my dinner for ten minutes and start studying again till two am. I know it's difficult but I want to do everything to get admission to medical college at any cost.

For three months constantly, I have been doing this. Now my exam date is near. I cry every time I think about my exam. I'm losing my motivation. What to do? I'm struggling enough. I don't know what will be the result. But, medicine became my obsession. I want to get admission at any cost now. I don't know if I can pass an exam or not. Hope for the best.

Finally, it's my exam day. When I saw my exam paper I went blank already. What is happening? What to do? I stand up from my seat and ask my invigilator if can I go to the restroom. I go to the restroom and see myself in the mirror. Inhaling sharply. I open the tap splash some water on my face and go back to the exam room.

After three hours, finally the exam ended I went outside and started crying. Fuck that was something. I don't know what will happen when the result will come. Yes, tomorrow will be the result announced. God, what to do? I came back home while crying in the car. My dad was giving me false hope that I would pass or that if I didn't pass he would send me US for medical. But, I don't want to leave them. I want to stay with them. After constantly, crying for hours I finally slept.

The result was, that I only passed private medical college. Private medical college fees are costly I don't want to burden my parents. I cried in the corner for days. My dad told me he would pay fees for me but I said no already because I didn't want to burden him or mom. I don't know what will I do. I want time to think. I reject everything. I don't join a private medical college or any other field nor do I go abroad.

It's been seven months. I am still thinking about what to do. Should I leave my dream and get admission to another field? But, what will I join? These thoughts are too much for me to digest.

I am in depression. I stopped talking to everyone. I have no friends. Even I stopped talking to my family. I don't feel any emotion now. I start reading novels. I want to live in a fictional world and only have feelings to live in that world. I shut my mind. When someone talks with me in my home I don't reply if I reply then I insult them. I don't know what is happening to me. I wish I could stop doing this.

I feel useless like I have no one, everyone has left me, and my relatives are bad too. They talk nonsense about me. But, I ignored it. My dad also doesn't want us. I realized after my grandpa's death. He just wants his mother (my grandma) and his sisters. They are dual-face people who hate us. My dad treated us like a shit. When I ask him for money or anything he scolds me like I'm not his daughter. I keep my patience.

One day, I started getting my anger out. I told him that I hated him. Yes, I hate my dad. But, still wants him safe. Don't know about these mixed feelings of mine. I locked my room because he cursed me. Like seriously? Who cursed his blood? My dad did. I hate him even more and more now. I picked up the blade and cut my arm. Blood is spilling down. My anger is on the peek. I cut my whole arm again and again. I cried after cutting. I sit in the corner and cry like an idiot.

Yes, I attempted suicide but failed. I shut my mind again. No feelings nothing. I had friends but I stopped talking to them because I think everyone left one day.

One friend texts me to ask me about my situation because I am acting weird. I told him that I stopped talking with people want to be alone. He recommends me to see a psychiatrist.

I paid online for a psychiatrist and took sessions for about six months. She gave me medicine to treat my trauma. I take them regularly. I felt good. As nothing happened but, leave that medicine slowly. After that I feel good, I go outside and enjoy everything. I started talking to my mom and my brother. Everything is fine now.

After five months, I want to get admission to medicine at any cost. I started everything again. That one-and-a-half-year gap was everything. I lost myself then found myself. I took an exam and waiting for the results. I also applied in the US for medical. I want to join at any cost because I'm tired. I feel useless. And I am useless nothing much. I did nothing just spent money. I want my money, not my dad's. I join Gym too. I want to relax myself. Now waiting for the results. It was delayed due to some reasons.

Hello everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's based on a true story. But, I tried to change some things to make it more realistic.
I don't want any followers or likes. I love to write and want you guys to enjoy it. I can't reveal myself but I promise you guys will love every single book I will write.
Chapter two will be published soon just wait and admire Enzish till then.

Lots of love from MJ ❤️