D!CKHEAD | Lee Haechan

words aren't enough

"Bro—"

"I'm fine." Haechan mumbled, cutting Jeno off as he stood up from where he was seated by the curb

"You need to get some ice on that" Jeno sighed, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at the red—almost purple hue against Haechan's cheek.

"I said I'm fine...just take me home" Haechan said, taking a long drag of the burning cigarette. Jeno grimaced at the smell, moving to sit himself down against the curb

"Finish that first. You'll stink up my car" Jeno said, patting the concrete so Haechan could get the hint to take a seat back down. The two boys sat in silence, watching cars pass by them every now and then.

"Didn't you quit?" Jeno asked, watching the boy place the stick between his lips, the rough cut drying up on its down by his lower lip.

"I did...got a lot on my mind" Haechan said, chuckling dryly and raising his brows at his own lack of willpower

"Almost thought you were coming clean for a girl" Jeno joked, a smile on his lips as he leaned back on pavement with his palms behind him, looking at his friend fondly. Haechan shook his head, a small smile creeping up on his face as his thoughts filled up with the one girl that seemed to invade his mind all the time

"No girl for me" Haechan said, extending his legs out, heart tightening at his own words

"You seriously don't see yourself loving anyone after her?" Jeno asked with slight surprise, wondering if Eunbi had such an effect on his friend. Haechan threw his head back, letting out a sharp exhale

"Don't think I even loved her" he admitted, turning to Jeno with empty eyes trying their best to hide an iceberg of pain underneath the surface

"Have you ever been in love?" Jeno asked with hesitation, knowing this level of conversation between the two was rare and almost unknown territory

Haechan took in another sharp breath, the cigarette between his fingers long forgotten as his lips closed instantly. His eyes lowered to his hand resting on the pavement, the same hand that that rested on the skin on Arin's thigh as they drove through the country roads without a care in the world. Was that love?

His lips that burned at the previous assualt, blood dried up against the corners as the taste of tobacco rested against his tastebuds. Yet his tongue couldn't forget the taste of her lips. His lips couldn't forget how soft they were, how they moved against his, how they made him feel. Was that love?

His eyes that thought of her whenever his eyelids closed, his eyes that wanted to see nothing but her, his eyes that seemed to find nothing as beautiful as the girl he once thought was nothing more than a one night stand. Was that love?

His throat ran dry as he fell silent, swallowing the lump that was slowly starting to form in his throat as the realisation set in harder than before. He knew his answer to Jeno's question. Yet his voice couldn't seem to admit it.

"What does it feel like for you?" Haechan asked with a quiet voice, his eyes working their way back up to meet Jeno's much darker orbs. He let out a light laugh, eyes turning into crescent moons at the question.

"Well..." he trailed off, running his hand through the strands of his hair. He looked to Haechan again, seeing him dead serious with his question.

"I can't really describe it...words aren't enough. When you know, you know." He said simply and Haechan rolled his eyes, putting out the burnt up cigarette along the pavement.

"Helpful" Haechan said with a dry chuckle, rubbing his hand against his thighs, subconsciously sweating from his palms

"I'm serious...love is just—it's something you feel. It's something that makes you do things differently and just makes you feel different...in every way" Jeno explained, brows straightening as he delved into his description as best as he could

"You feel things for the other person. You feel angry for them when someone hurts them, happy when something good happens to them...like it physically hurts you too just to see them in pain" Jeno explained

"You laugh when they laugh, you cry when they cry...and you don't even know how half the time. You'll never understand how you could feel so strongly about things for someone" he said finally, eyes looking to the car passing in front of them. He let out a heavy sigh as his heart clenched at the thought of Arin.

"You'd never want to hurt them or treat them bad" he said with a small voice, breath hitching in his throat as he thought of how he had decided to willingly cause her such pain in the past.

"I loved her but I didn't know how to live her properly" Jeno admitted with a sigh, standing up to his two feet and Haechan did the same, a silence taking over him as his heart pounded against his chest as if it was in war with his ribcage.

"Arin, right?" Haechan asked, voice lost in the air as he remembered the girl that clouded his mind seemed to cloud his best friend's too.

"She's the only girl I ever loved" Jeno said simply, walking around to his side of the car and unlocking the doors

Same.

"Honestly if I could turn back time I would...I'd treat her like I should've. I don't think I could ever hurt her" Jeno sighed, a sense of regret seeping through each honest word as they sat in his car.

Me neither.

"She deserves that. Someone who can treat her well and love her the way I should have. Even if it's not me. And in some weird twisted way, I love her so much that...I'm willing to let her go." Jeno admitted

Me too.