One night I lay on the bare kitchen tiles with blood oozing out of a cut on my wrist and strangely I feel calm despite the throbbing of the veins in my heart. I am in a languid state of ecstasy, and the twins Beauty and Ugliness dance in the rusted depths of my canthus till moonbeams become sunlight, and I become what I have always feared. Isn't it scary to be a myth? I think of all the emails I sent to anyone who I thought might care: I am sorry I couldn't get better, I am sorry I couldn't wait around to say goodbye to you in person, I love you, I am a freak, I am sorry I'm just another dead friend now, I will say hi to Astrid for you if I see her wherever I'm going, you will forget about me faster than you think.
Knowing you are about to die changes lots of things about it. Someone very dear to me once asked me what I would do if I knew I was dying the following day, and I remember pausing to think it all out. Now that is just humorous to me. Who has the time? What a faulty hypothesis.
I could turn to dust right now, I think, but it's always been like that. Auguries are curses. Great thinkers before me have declared that 'to know is to suffer'. But it tastes different in my mouth
when I declare it
It tastes different right now
like
like sulfur and cacao
and morphine solution
I have spent half my life groping at the face of the divine, unable to understand the language of palms, marveling at the others who have unraveled it before me. My gums are sore from telling secrets. The only ones I have left are those I kept as close as the marrow of my bones.
I think of the perfumes I bought
and never gave
I think of the angle of your jawbone
I think of dough rising and chests falling and all of the violence I've committed against myself
I think of I think of
Of how I will finally know what it's like to not be thinking
Can't see. Love always. I'll be better for you next time.
***
RE: bye from izak [inbox]
izakayosman22
to me ▼
Hi im ok I;m alive really sorry for worrying u. In hospital this shit sucks Literally fuck my life
