Dawnlight - WORK IN PROGRESS

6. Early Dawnlight

        (Discretion advised, depictions of suicidal and existential themes. Skip to scene 2 if you don't sit right with those topics, please. mentions of self harm are sprinkled throughout this chapter.)

    There was nobody in the room other than myself and two mirrors facing each other between me, to forward the illusion of appearing like there was an infinite amount of my being. The mirrors taunted me. I stood aimlessly, wondering what must've occurred for me to wake up in such an unfamiliar place. The room itself appeared white with tiles, with two doors facing one another, along with a skylight. There was no other source of light than the light shining through the skylight that appeared mid-day. Noise was still. I noticed a hammer and nail under a counter, in rusty condition. I reached over for the hammer and picked it up. The wood handle was rotting. I wonder if it would break if I used it.

      I broke one of the mirrors with the hammer in a moment of sudden rage. My head and my heart were pounding. The reflections of myself, however, still displayed even after the mirror collapsed to the ground. I decided to bust the second mirror, puzzling that if both mirrors were gone, then so'd be the reflection. I was wrong.

'I'm always wrong. From the very stem of my being, I'm wrong, and I've always felt that way, I've always known so,' the reflections said to me.
    'I could never love in the first place. So, my confusion has a simple answer. To not love is to not be loved; to be alone is to receiving what you earned. I earned nothing, I earn nothing,' the reflections said to me.

    Its words were getting to me. My breath only ran more rapid as I couldn't bear to keep looking at my own face; my pitiful, monotonous stare given from a hallow skull. I was so alone, but it was nothing new. Being alone is routine. Routine is a cycle; my cycle, to put an end to this miserable cycle is to put an end to my crippling consistence. I am built from thin wooden sticks, flaking and rotting as the cycle proceeds, but it will never break unless I do it myself. It's all that I have left. I'd rather keep my consistence, my cycle, my routine— than to lose it all for change. Change is a chance that guarantees nothing, a risk. Routine guarantees everything I'm familiar with.

   My gut told me to look up at the skylight, but I chose not to. I didn't want light, I didn't want hope. In the midst of the sun hitting the glass, everything went dark. I finally felt at ease. The stillness of sound turned to wind echoing, but the air stayed calm in the room. It was utterly pitch black. I felt comfortably empty. I closed my tired eyes, then opened them again; I was in my bedroom. It was incredibly cold, my entire body was shivering, but it didn't bother me. I wanted to stay cold and feel this peace, in hope for an eternity.

    My alarm snapped my consciousness back into place. I realized that I had just woken up, and it was all just a dream. I wish I could've stayed in that room for just a bit longer, it felt so nice. It was a blissful dream. But I wasn't there anymore, and it didn't exist, and it was about time I proceeded through my endless routine. I'd typically be excited that the weekend is approaching, but I feel far from typical. I could feel for harm, to sicken the light within me that drives me to crave change. I feel like how I should feel all of the time, it's a shame how that isn't the case.

    —

   
    'I walked through the morning with ease,' is what I'd say if anything remotely went the way I wanted it to go. My head was throbbing, my eye bags became dark circles, and my energy depleted by every step I took. I had to fight the urge to grab any blades or sharp objects because I knew better than to listen to those dark thoughts; It's an addicting feeling. I don't know why my morning was so horrendous. I know that it was all my fault, though. It sucks.

    To think about this morning was something I needed to avoid for my own sake. For now, I needed to focus on my physical health. I guzzled down an entire water bottle and ate a granola bar before entering the front of the school. To my convenience, I immediately spotted the friend group near the doors into the cafeteria. I could only guess that they must've been waiting for me.