Random Stuff I thought of

The World Is Hard Guys

    This is kind of a rant, but I also wanted to vent about what happened over the past year and what I've recently learned.

TW: Suicide, Suicidal friends, mild physical abuse, mild verbal abuse, toxic relationship, SH

    So last year, I had a best friend that I'm calling F. We'd become friends with a newer girl, who started in fifth grade. (Context: I was in seventh grade during most of this issue)

I'm calling this girl that was new B. So we were friends in fifth grade, but in sixth grade she started to drive a wedge between me and F. Now me and F had been inseparable up to this point, and B was trying to cause arguments between us and make F only hang out with her. We fought a lot in sixth because of this, obviously.

Now on the first day of seventh grade, I went up to her and said something along the lines of Hey, I'm sorry for everything last year. Can we be friends and start over? And she's like sure whatever okay, but it got on my nerves that B said You know that F can have more than one best friend right? And I'm like what the heck I JUST SAID THAT?!?!?!

I let it slide, and after a few months I got back from a quick weekend trip with my mom. This happened in early October. I was trying to tell them about this trip, and I'd gone to a car museum. I WAS SO HAPPY AND EXCITED!!! I could not wait to tell them about it! I saw a DeLORIAN!!!! (I love Back to the Future by the way)

I started to tell them about it, but B cuts me off before I can even talk about it and starts talking about Dance Moms. Of all things, Dance Moms is more important than me being genuinely happy and excited about something that's important to me. I just wanted to tell them about something that means a lot to me, but Dance Moms was more important.

Now, B does dance and did at the time, and F used to. I understand if they were interested in the routines and things like that, but they were talking about the drama that happens, and how this person did this and this. I'm like what the heck, but move on because I don't want to start something. I didn't trust B not to start making a big deal about it.

So I let it go.

I kept doing this for a few months, and by about late January I want to say, it was bad. I was basically wearing a mask and left school exhausted. I was basically forbidden from being myself, JUST so I could keep my friend.

I also have a small school, and a small grade. There's probably about 12 girls in our grade, including myself.

Now that's freaking DELIGHTFUL.

In about February, F and B started to fight all the time. I was getting involved, or B would get made at me for no reason. Onetime I had asked B not to moan, because it made me uncomfortable, and she was SCREAMING AT ME. She was so mad and I have no clue why she was so angry.

    This is the one fight that I remember best, and I've still blocked out most of it from my memory. I just remember that was the first time I'd told my mom about it. A few more months went on, and it was STILL getting worse.

    About a month after the fight I'd just mentioned, I started hanging out with one of my old friends that I hadn't hung out with in a while. I started to hang out with two of my other friends more often, and because friends with a guy who'd started at our school that year.

    It was getting much worse, and about two, three weeks (?) before the end of the school year, we had Field Day. It was basically an organized fun day of pure chaos. And I'm not telling all the details, because some are things I've been pushing from my memory for a long time now.

    So F thought that I had a crush on her, and I thought that I did for like a DAY, and that was FOUR MONTHS PRIOR TO THIS. I didn't, but I confessed that I'd thought this to her. I STILL regret this. It's been almost a year now.