Anything And Everything, For You Pads

chapter 19~fifth year

☆  Why me. ☆

~~~

12 February 1976

"We should probably get up" sirius said softly and remus snapped to reality and his eyes fluttered open, they probably should it was 10 o'clock on a Saturday morning, but what was the point

Go out and be looked at like something on display, words spread and eveyone new what happened, more like snippets not the real storie but the stories were enough to make people look and remus hated knowing people were looking at him and his very visible scars splayed along his bodie

It wasn't like they hadn't looked before, but now remus didn't have one of tow new scars along him, he had evey scar on his bodie he had ever gotten red and visible and sticking out like a saw thumb

Sirius was the only one that had been up close enough to see the old and healed scars he got from his early days, but now here eveyone was able to see scars he had forgotten about

And one inpartcical haunted him, the one on his hip bone that had grown with him and remus couldn't even bare to look at himself in the mirror and remus wondered how sirius was even looking at him

He felt bad, he thought this wouldn't affect him but it was, it was hitting him hard and he felt bad that he couldn't get out of bed or even pretend to be happy, he hated himself

"Moons" sirius said with sadness laced in his vocie and remus ached knowing he couldn't help he didn't know how, he was probably the cause of the sadness and remus wanted to through himself out the window

"Moons" sirius said again lifting his head from remus chest and looking over remus and sirius held remus face and his thumb flew cricles around his wet cheeks and remus sniffled, oh he was crying

Remus's hummed in response to sirius to lazy to form words and sirius gave him a gentle smile

"Stop thinking" he said softer and remus was so tired the only thing keeping his eyes open was the cricles sirius was drawing on his cheeks

"Can't help it"

"What are you thinking about, tell me" sirius said softly but remus couldn't be bothered to be another burden for him "please"

God, sirius was so hard to say no tow and apparently his tounge agreed because it Let the words escape

"How can you still look at me with so much love when I look like this, I'm an beast" he said softly and sirius opened his mouth to speak but remus grabbed his chin gently and kissed him gently and sirius kissed back

"Don't lie, I know you think it, eveyone does a tiny bit"

Sirius was slient he was moveing his mouth but nothing was comeing out and his eyes were watering and remus wasn't surprised wasn't even mad, he was a beast that was who he was

"Never, say that again, stop thinking turn that brain off, God moons please never say that again" she said bringing there forheads together "you are not a beast, you are beautiful with a few scars but we all have them, fuck moons your not a beast"

Oh, why did remus feel better after he heard that, oh why did he want to belive him, but he couldn't belive him he was a beast just like grey back

"The wolf" remus sobbed

"Is you, he's apart of you and he is also beautiful, many people will say he isn't but he is gorgeous" sirius said behide his sobs and kissed remus again

He didn't deserve sirius fuck, sirius deserved happiness not to be curled up in a room with remus who couldn't even love himself, he loved sirius so much and he felt so guilty makeing sirius worried like this