UNLIKELY MATCH | HEESEUNG

34 - Twist The Knife

SENA'S POV

All sins are attempts to fill voids. That's what I tell myself to make sense of everything that's happened. Maybe my mother's—no, the woman I thought was my mother—void was too vast the only sin that could fill it was to destroy me. Maybe my existence reminded her of the mistakes my father made, the secrets she buried deep within her soul. Maybe my own void, the one that's been growing inside me ever since I found out the truth about my family, is what's making me think of committing a sin I can't even bring myself to utter aloud.

If I die today, would it make everything better? Would it end the pain, the betrayal, the feeling of being unwanted? Would it finally make me realize that I'm not a burden, that I'm not a mistake? But then I think of Steph. I think of Heeseung. I think of my siblings. I think of their smile, their warmth, their love. I think of how they make me feel alive, how they make me believe that there is still goodness in this world. Am I really ready to give up all of that? Am I ready to let the darkness win?

I'm curled up on the couch, surrounded by the suffocating silence of my empty apartment. The tears have dried on my cheeks, leaving behind trails of salt and pain. The pain in my cheek, the sting of my father's words, they linger like scars etched into my very soul. I thought I knew what love was, what family meant, but now those words are just empty promises, shattered illusions that cut deeper than any physical wound. I've lost the people I thought were my own, and in their place, I find myself questioning my worth and existence.

I hate myself so loudly. I hate myself at the top of my lungs and at the bottom of my soul. I hate myself for being vulnerable, for trusting, for hoping. I hate myself for believing their lies. I hate, hate, hate myself until it feels like my chest might implode from the weight of it all. Until the word loses its meaning, becoming a mere echo in the hollow spaces of my heart.

When I stand up, I'm nothing but a mind full of twisted thoughts, a shattered heart and a body that holds the two the way a mother holds a broken child. The way a mother should have held me, protected me, loved me. I force myself to take another step, then another. The apartment feels too small, too suffocating, and I need air. The city outside is alive and I feel dead and I don't know how to reconcile the two. I don't know how to find my way back to the land of the living, to reclaim the pieces of myself that have been shattered by betrayal and pain.

I don't bother to call Heeseung or Steph or anyone for that matter. I simply walk, and walk, and walk, like a lost soul wandering aimlessly through the streets of a city that no longer feels like home. The people around me bustle about, oblivious to my pain, to my rage, to my heartache. I am but a ghost among the living, a shadow drifting through a world that has lost its color.

The air is cool against my skin but it doesn't make me shiver or hug myself. It doesn't make me feel anything at all. I am numb, detached from the sensory world around me. I can't tell if the city stars are stars or if the stars are merely distant specks of light in a vast, empty void. Everything feels blurred, indistinct, as if I'm viewing the world through a foggy lens. Somehow, though, I manage to make it to Heeseung's place. I don't call him, my phone is somewhere and I have no idea where, so I just unlock his door and step inside, the sight of Raven waiting at the door making me feel a slight twinge of warmth in my otherwise cold and empty chest. The cat meows softly, rubbing against my legs as I reach down to stroke her fur, allowing myself to revel in the warmth of her affection. 

Heeseung is not home yet. Today was a race day and he had to visit the paddock to check on the team. I'm not sure how long I stand there, lost in thought while surrounded by the silence and stillness of the place. I make my way to his room, staring at his bed for a moment before I kick off my slippers and sink onto it, the exhaustion finally catching up to me. Raven jumps onto the bed and curls up beside me and I hold her, burying my face in her fur, inhaling the familiar scent of home that clings to her coat. 

And then, I let out the first sobs that have been building up inside me, allowing myself to feel the pain, the betrayal, the overwhelming feeling of loss that threatens to consume me. Raven nuzzles against me and I cling to her, crying and crying and crying, wondering if my tears will ever stop and if I'll ever be able to piece myself back together and feel whole again. I'm nothing but a big, vast void that swallows every single last drop of my happiness, my hope, and my will to keep fighting. I close my eyes, wondering if I'll ever find my way back to the person I used to be. 

I don't realize that I'd been sleeping for so long. Not until I open my eyes and find Heeseung sitting next to me. Not until I look outside the window and the sky is as dark as midnight. He's staring at me, concern, anger, and confusion etched across his features. "We were worried sick, Sena. We called you over and over and over, why didn't you answer?" I can tell he's not angry, just worried. What I can't tell is what to say. The words feel like shards of glass in my mouth, cutting me with each attempt to form a coherent sentence.

"I..." I falter, my voice barely above a whisper. "I couldn't... I didn't know what to do..." And then the floodgates open, and the words spill out in a rush. "They tried to k-kill me and I..." I swallow hard, the memories still fresh in my mind. "My... my parents... they... my father... he said I wasn't supposed to be-"

"Sena, breathe," I hear him say and I'm suddenly oblivious to how humans breathe or how my own body functions. I feel his hands gently cupping my face, his thumbs wiping away the tears that continue to stream down my cheeks. The lump stuck in my throat doesn't let me speak further. It doesn't let me formulate coherent thoughts or process whatever is happening. I'm a crying mess, breathing heavily, feeling like I can't catch my breath. "Sena, love, take deep breaths. You're safe now. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You're okay. You're gonna be okay." 

"My heart feels like... it's been shattered into a m-million pieces," I manage to choke out between ragged breaths, Heeseung's hand gently stroking my hair. "I just... Heeseung, I..."

"Sena, look at me," Cupping my cheeks, he looks into my eyes while I hold his gaze, trying to take deep breaths and steady myself. "Who- fuck Sena, your cheek." My cheek must have bruised. His fingers gently brush over the tender skin, and I flinch at the touch, the pain jolting me back to reality. "Who did this to you?" The anger in his eyes and the way he clenches his jaw send shivers down my spine, but his touch is so gentle and his words are so filled with concern that I can't help but feel a flicker of warmth in the cold, empty void of my heart.

"I-It was my... father," I manage to stammer out, the words feeling foreign and surreal as they leave my lips. "He... he said I wasn't supposed to be alive, that I was a mistake, a burden..." The tears start to flow again, but Heeseung pulls me into his arms, holding me close as if he's afraid I'll disappear if he lets go. I'm burying my face in his face and he's burying his against my shoulder, letting me cry until there are no more tears left to shed. I'm nothing but a broken mess in his arms, but he holds me as if I'm the most precious thing in the world, as if my shattered pieces are worth piecing back together. And for now, that's enough.