When I Was A Stranger To Myself

Part One: The Writings Of A Stranger

Did I ever lived or what I did was just surviving?
"It was so cold and my eyes were watering by the wind that was passing so strongly, I could see the whole village from here, all the rivers and gardens, a cowboy who was leading a herd of sheep, a lot of sheep moving looked so beautiful from above. Two boys were running to catch the kite. they looked beautiful. I bowed, a bow you do before a performance, and I know I won't be able to do the bow after my performance"

It just became so tiring from day by day to weeks and from months to years. I remember a good time long ago when I was 5 I was talking to my best friend yes she was a best friend the first one I ever made. we were comparing our erasers to see which one erased the lead on the paper better, I had a Faber Castle eraser and she had one with no cover, she said "you can easily erase things" No old friend I can't how do I tell you that I have lost the eraser somewhere messing around. I could never unsee my theory that in present times or maybe past ones too when I felt depressed or sad there's a long hard painful heartbeat you feel, I think that's your past self knocking at the door, sometimes shouting to talk to you about what you had to become and look what you have become. I had messed up too much as a kid. I had messed up with trust but wasn't I too young to be trusted?

During some period of my life, I was a class clown, I used to make everyone laugh, lead things, get average grades, I used to talk with everyone I don't know where that confidence came from and where did it go. not later when I was found all isolated in dreams, always sleeping. just trying my best to get a break from the world. I lost everything I had in me. where am I? What am I doing? How am I doing? I had no answer to that. I was struggling with speaking to people not because I needed more confidence, I took a break way too long.

It was my first time lighting a lantern, it was torn and I had zero hope that it would work. I with my one sister and brother on the rooftop of our house with the lantern. it was early in the morning probably around 5:30 a.m. We were in our uniforms except the one who had bought lanterns. the bus was gonna arrive and I was depressed, my sister kept lighting it and it finally lit but it wasn't flying. I opened the camera and stood hopeless when the lantern itself flew away. it was far. I shouted "Look how far it has gone!" my brother was jumping from excitement too. it wasn't too far it was just high. later in three minutes, we could see it burning and falling down the black smoke that was spread in the sky was quite relatable to me. how I was. how I had been doing. take it as a symbolism I'd say.
also once my friends gathered and I bought a lantern, unfortunately, it was torn a bit too much, so we all tried to light it, and it finally lit and was air-filled but it wasn't flying. what was that burning smell it kept floating on the ground. it burned and it seemed like hell. I was too scared to take it as a symbolism but it is what it is, at least for my sister and brother it flew a bit but for my friends, it was a frightening sight.
one day at school I had my head down. a friend texted me that day that she was sick and that she was not coming, she told me to do some of her work of noting and pasting, I kept my bag back on the other seat where she used to sit, there would be another friend of us who was going to bring notes that I had to paste. I was too tired to wait for her to come so I slept. I couldn't sleep. I had my head down and was wondering things not when she came and called me.

"Kuro!
Kuro? These are the notes...
I am keeping them here okay?"
she slid the notes under my elbow, even though I was awake I didn't get up. well, I wonder not to come the other day, it's been stressful nowadays when I heard a similar walking. I wasn't sure who was it but the person came and tapped my shoulder 2-3 times waited for a few seconds and moved to the seat where my bag was, that person searched in my bag for something I heard tearing and that person wrote something in it and slide the mini note from the space of my elbow so it doesn't fly. "cute" I thought, but who is it the room was dark and my eyes were way too zoomed to read it. I tried to figure out if that person had written the name on it but someone in class turned on the lights. well, it's not too hard to read now. the note said.
"I came! you were in a deep sleep. TC - Fuguki
I asked Fuguki why he did that. It was the first time he had given me such a note and come to check on me. I was curious, but Fuguki said he had come to meet me. well pretty noticing. I did the work for my friend and met Fuguki. at break time I was with Fuguki and his brother Fugaku they were both in the same grades but in different sections so was I. The funny thing is that we were together in kindergarten but weren't too close friends. We talked about Haru. Haru was a good friend of mine yes "was". he became so weird or I did. he was dry and I felt like killing him. not the first time when I felt it though. I was told by Fuguki that Haru was leaving soon, I planned a surprise party with Fuguki and Fugaku for Haru, and for that, I needed details I texted Haru when he's gonna leave and he didn't tell me about that, but's another thing that he didn't even bother to reply I forgot he had lost interest in me long ago, well the "friends" phase didn't last so long. I didn't have anyone close there was this girl who used to sit next to me "Misa" it was. She had been with me for 5 years I guess, we had a lot of fights but they by themselves sorted out still she was egoistic and selfish, she was a human too after all, but she stayed by my side I don't know what she saw beside me, we just always sat together and mostly fought.
the life that was already so depressing that I wanted to shorten it. the suffering. I thought losing contact with all my friends would work I guess. there were 7 bottles I had arranged on my table and I used to shoot one every time I was "close" to losing contact with them, mostly like "Almost". there were in no time 4 bottles left. I don't know how but without me doing anything it all worked out. my selfish plan. my college was done for I knew that so there was nothing I could enjoy except the absence of family.