Wherever You Are - {ryden/joncer au}

Part 3 : 2

Part 3 : 2

They fell into a weird routine after that night. It was either Ryan coming to Brendon's once he left the office, or Brendon coming to Ryan's after his last client of the night. It was mostly sex, but not always. Some nights, Ryan would cook them dinner and they'd watch Jeopardy! together. Others, Brendon would do the cooking while Ryan spent time going over spreadsheets at his coffee table.

It was like their old relationship. Except... not.

They still had yet to discuss what their little arrangement was, but only because they were both afraid of how the other would perceive it. Would Ryan asking to be together again make Brendon afraid that he would leave again? Would it push Ryan into something he wasn't ready for if Brendon asked him to be his boyfriend again? There were so many ifs up in the air, and nothing for them was set in stone, and it scared the shit out of both of them.

"You sound like a teenager, Ry," Spencer said with a gentle laugh.

Ryan groaned in agitation, throwing himself back on the other man's bed as he covered his face. "Spence, I'm serious!" This little dance with Brendon was driving him crazy, and it felt like Spencer was the only person who could give him some solid advice. "I don't know what to do here, man. It feels so much like it used to with him. It's - It's like we're back to exactly how we were before I left. It feels.. right."

Spencer took a break from his closet-clean-out to actually look at Ryan. The man had a dazed look on his face, the one he got used to seeing back when he and Brendon were dating all those years ago. He had a dopey smile on his face, his eyes transfixed on nothing in particular as he was probably thinking about Brendon. "Can I ask you something?" When the man turned to look at him, he furrowed his brows. "Do you still love him?"

Ryan looked Spencer directly in the eyes as he felt his own tear up. "I don't think I ever stopped, Spence," he said sincerely. "While I was in New York, my whole life felt like it wasn't the one I was used to living. I had to force myself to be completely invested in my work so that I didn't have time to remember how much I loved him. I slept with other men who were absolutely nothing compared to him. I did everything I could to fill that hole that leaving him left in me. When I said I started drinking to manage the stress of my job, that wasn't exactly true. I started drinking because every night I fell asleep sober, I was dreaming of Brendon. I felt like an entire part of me was missing the whole time I was gone. So, yes, I still love him. I never stopped loving him. How could I?"

Spencer felt himself get choked up as he took in Ryan's words. It kills him thinking about how much he and Brendon missed each other - needed each other - but forced themselves to try and move on because they thought the other already had. Absolute idiots, he thought to himself. "Ryan," he said finally, "you need to talk to him."

Ryan let out a dry laugh. "And tell him what?" He didn't sound angry, just scared. "'Hey, so, I know I'm the guy who broke your heart by leaving you 5 years ago that you've gone back to hooking up with, but I still love you and want to be in a relationship with you again. Nothing to worry about this time, though, I promise!'"

Spencer blinked. "That sounds simple enough to me."

Ryan groaned out loud once again, burying his face in his palms. "What if that's not what he wants, though? What if—" He paused, thinking over his words. "What if he doesn't love me anymore?"

Spencer shot up an eyebrow. "Ryan," he said, crossing his arms, "I don't think that man could stop loving you even if he tried. And, trust me, he did try."

Ryan sent a look to the man standing above him. "He did?"

Spencer shook his head as he sighed gently, taking a seat beside his friend. "He would kill me for telling you," the man started, "but I feel that it's only fair you know. Ryan, he was a fucking mess. There were days where we couldn't drag him out of bed. He would cry so much that he couldn't talk for days, and then would use that as an excuse to not go to work so he could stay home. He wasn't eating, sleeping, showering, you name it. He wanted to get over you, he just didn't know how. Eventually, I had to do to him what he did to me all those years ago." He paused the story, turning to look at Ryan with a sad smile. "God, I'm glad you weren't there to see that, Ry. We nearly broke the goddamn door down because he wouldn't let us in. It took a lot of convincing, a lot of yelling back and forth, and a lot of tears, but he finally agreed that he'd really try. We started with getting him all new furniture, which I'm sure you noticed. Then came the photos, the little bits of dishware that you got together, those sorts of things."