eternity - minsung

Chapter 3

TW : mention of wounds, scars and self harming

Hearing his apartment doorbell ring, Jisung gets out of bed, still in his pyjamas even though it's past 4pm. Feeling as if he were about to have a seizure, he stands at his desk and moves slowly towards the door. When he finally opens it, he sees his best friend, Hyunjin, in front of him, his worried gaze moving softly from his body to his face.

"Sung..."

Jisung doesn't answer, simply letting him enter into his apartment, mechanically making his way to the sofa.

"Babe, have you eaten? the eldest seem worried.

- No, I'm not hungry. He answers simply.

- You need to eat a bit, bub. Look at you, you can't even stay up."

Jisung sighs, sitting on the sofa with his head between his arms resting on his knees. Feeling weak, unable to do anything, he just wants to stay in bed. Hyunjin joins him, sits down beside him and puts his arm around his shoulders. His eyes drift to his arms, uncovered by his short-sleeved shirt. He feels his heart contract as he sees the many burn marks, clearly new.

"Ji'.. I told you to call me when you're not feeling well... Why didn't you? His voice turns high-pitched at the end of his sentence.

- I don't know.

- Did you do it somewhere else?"

Jisung doesn't answer, keeping his head anchored in his arms, as if shame were preventing him from facing reality. This is nothing new, in fact, Jisung has been dealing with this kind of mental problem for over a year now. As much as he's tried to pull himself together, deep down he doesn't want to. He finds comfort in pain, as if he deserved it. As if he were punishing himself. At first, it was just simple showers too hot for his body, leaving him with red patches for a while. Then came scarification. And when he started smoking one summer's evening, his lighter ended up stoking his skin. And he started burning his arms.

"- On the thighs. He finally answers."

Hyunjin doesn't reply, staring into the void, he gets up and leaves to fetch the first-aid kit, now knowing by heart its placement in the apartment. He returns, positioning himself on his knees in front of Jisung, making him understand to take off his pants. This too, had become a habit between the two best friends. Hyunjin wanted more than anything to make sure that his favorite musician didn't retain too many marks of his moments of weakness.

Finding himself in his boxer shorts, Jisung turned his gaze to the window, watching the blue sky outside, also able to catch a glimpse of passers-by on the street. Meanwhile, Hyunjin takes care of himself. He disinfects the new marks, his eyes riveted to his thighs, his hands trembling at the sight of so many deep and dangerous wounds. Then, the bottle of disinfectant slips from his hand. Jisung quickly looks away to see the liquid spilling onto the floor, then his best friend kneeling down with a nakpin to try to quickly clear his mistake.

"Hey, it's okay, Jinnie. I'll help you clean up."

He kneels down next to his best friend, grabbing something to wipe the floor with. But he's held back by the older man's sudden sniffling. He looks up, and sees Hyunjin's head turn quickly, preventing him from seeing the tears running down his cheeks.

"Jinnie... He steps closer, wrapping his arms around his friend's waist, ignoring his bare legs and dirty floor.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Jisung... I wish I could help you..."

Jisung feels like his heart is going to burst. He feels so bad putting those around him through this, he'd like not to worry them, but that's the way it is. He's not in a good shape, and he's bringing his loved ones into his sadness.

"Give me all your sadness, Sung... I beg you, give me everything but be happy. I can't see you like this anymore, I can't see my closest friend letting himself die and not being able to do anything.

- I just... Jinnie, it's..."

He doesn't know what to say, he's distraught too. Seeing his best friend on the ground, begging him to be happy, that could motivate him, that could make him want to heal. But no, it only makes him feel guilty, makes him want to punish himself even more for what he's putting his friends through. He takes it in his stride, for once, and lifts Hyunjin up to sit him comfortably on the sofa.

"You don't have to suffer, Hyung. You don't have to blame yourself, you don't even have to try to save me. You should live your life, be happy for both of us. It's not your job to take care of me.

- But... Look at you! He raises his voice. Look, look at your body, look at your reflection in the mirror. You're not the one who has to deal every day with those blank stares, those dark circles, those marks on your body and your appalling thinness. You can't even stand up, Sung. One day you assure us you're getting better, and the next day you lock yourself up at home for a week, eating nothing and killing yourself. What fucking happened to my sunshine?! He paused, then whispers. Do you know how much guilt I've had since the day I saw you unconscious, half-dead in that bathroom? He points to the room a few yards from the living room.

Jisung, speechless, watches his best friend release everything. He doesn't usually talk like this, he's never gone so crazy about his condition, he's never raised his voice at Jisung. Not even during the argument that kept them apart for a year, did he ever shout. And seeing him standing there, despairing of his condition, only made Jisung feel worse. In an impulse, he approaches Hyunjin, hugging him with all his strength and relaxing into his neck.

He cries, letting go of all his sadness in the arms of the person he loves most in the world. Hyunjin realizes what he's just said, and sighs as he wraps his arms around the younger's weak back, murmuring an apology.

"It's driving me crazy, Sung. I know it's not your fault, so forgive me for yelling. It's not you I'm angry at. I'm angry at myself, and our friends, for leaving you alone with him. And I'm especially angry with him, who let you go in that state, who created the person you are now. God, Jisung, if I could go back in time, I'd never have introduced you to him."

Hearing his talk about him made Jisung tremble a little more, unable to stop his body from reacting to this recent trauma that has surely shattered his life forever. He tried to relax against his friend's warm body, gradually calming his breathing.

"I'm sorry, I was supposed to comfort you and this is what I get you into... Hyunjin murmurs, his head buried in the younger man's neck.

- It's... It's all right. I understand, I'm sorry too."

A few minutes later, the tension subsided. The sobbing stopped along with the shaking, and now they're in each other's arms, lying on the sofa, Hyunjin gently stroking his friend's back. Just like that, they fall asleep for a few hours, exhausted by their difficult day. Later in the evening, Hyunjin manages to get Jisung to eat a hearty meal, and they spend the evening taking their minds off this disastrous conversation. Because deep down, that's how they feel best, together out of harm's way, just the two of them. Their safe place.

The next day, they even manage to plan an outing with their friends. It's been a long time since Jisung has spent time in his hometown, at the cinema for example. Where they broadcast Ghibli, Jisung's favorite animated films.

✿.｡.:* ☆:**:.

My heart is broken for Jisung.

Xo <3