begin again | woosan

- eighty nine -

tw / lots of depressing thoughts & mentions of suicidality, a bit of disordered eating habits as well

with san there, wooyoung felt free to show his emotions. he wasn't scared of worrying anyone, because he knew that san would be there to understand him. san truly was his better half.

the first day after san had arrived, wooyoung was a mess. he had a bad panic attack when he was in the shower, slipping and falling because of it and then trying to stay quiet out of fear, but everything just hurt so bad. san was by his side in seconds having heard the sound, gently coaxing wooyoung out of his panicked state and pulling him to safety.

once the boy was calmed down, he was having a hard time stomaching anything, which worried san especially considering his history. wooyoung promised he would try later in the day, but san could tell the boy wouldn't be able to.

a little while later, wooyoung had started crying out of nowhere. he didn't know why he was crying, he just felt like he had to. it only got worse though, because he couldn't seem to get the tears to stop and it was seriously making him feel ill. the boy found himself by the toilet, gagging and dry heaving because of his tears.

it was incredibly painful for the boy, and it pained san to see his lovely wooyoung this way too. he did his best to take care of the boy, but he couldn't figure out why wooyoung felt so awful.

the next day was the same, lots of tears and wooyoung making himself sick from crying. this time, he actually threw up, san becoming increasingly worried.

but what bothered san the most about all of this wasn't that the boy was upset and making himself sick, it was that throughout all of this, he was falling into old habits that he had worked so hard with san to break out of. he barely ate anything, and the little he had eaten had been thrown up. san was worried as hell for his lover.

it was on the third day that wooyoung was finally getting to a point where he could actually speak through his tears, but anyone could see that the boy was a bit reluctant to do so. he was terrified that he would be in trouble, and he didn't want to have that talk.

"woo... baby, we need to talk about this," san said softly. "i'm worried about you..."

"i-i'm okay..."

"no you're not, my love. you've been making yourself sick with how much you've been crying, that's not okay. talk to me, baby. tell me everything that's running through that beautiful mind of yours."

"i-it all just feels like a mess..."

"what does?"

"m-my brain..."

san hummed, pressing a kiss to the boy's forehead and nodding.

"i get that... any thoughts sticking out?"

"i-i miss sangie and hwa... a-and i feel really guilty about what i did."

"angel... there's nothing to feel guilty about. we all understand that you haven't been in the best place mentally and felt like it was your only option."

"y-you know what makes me feel even more guilty?"

"what?"

"t-the fact that if i could do it all over again a-and actually succeed this time... i-i would. a-and yet at the same time... i don't want to."

san was quiet, nodding in response and making sure the younger was secure between his arms.

"that's a valid feeling, woo. i know it's not what any of us wish... but you're valid. and i completely understand the stress that you're feeling because of it."