The Distraction

Untitled Part 15

On Monday, I call in sick into the Center. It's the first time I've done that infour years, so Mags immediately agrees, but not without a good measure ofconcern in her voice.After dropping off the kids to camp, I go back to the Sutter's and spendhours and hours cleaning. Stress cleaning is how I process most of theemotions I have ever felt.Okay, fine, it's how I avoid most emotions.The truth of the matter is that I'm in pieces. Shattered across my tinycottage are shards of me stuck in memories of us. Memories that areembedded in each corner and fiber of my home, everywhere I go, I'mreminded of what we had. And fuck if this isn't why I avoid men. This is whyI've spent my entire life guarded, carefully choosing each person in my life.Vetoing men who didn't meet every single standard, who didn't fit the moldof who I envisioned for myself. Of who I need in my life.Because when you fall in love and he breaks your heart, you're brokenirreparably.Thankfully, Hunter's truck hasn't been at the house since Sunday,meaning I can compulsively clean without fear of an awkward run-in.On Tuesday, I call out again, this time exhausting myself with yard workeven though Steve hires an amazing lawn service that takes care ofeverything. The need to do something with my hands is overwhelming, theneed to distract myself from the hollow hole in my chest all-consuming.Normally I'd tend to my garden, weeding and taking care of my fabulousfairy garden, but all I see there is him.Even my sanctuary, my private happy place, is stained with memories ofHunter.Wednesday, my guilty conscience won't let me miss another day at theCenter, so I head in to work. Still, I'm very careful to stay as far away fromMags as possible. The woman can read into my soul, pull out the mostpainful shard, and then get me to talk about it until I'm a bloody mess at herfeet. As much as I adore her, I can't emotionally handle that right now. I'mnot ready.By Thursday, I'm pretty sure the girls have noticed what is happening.On Thursdays, the kids stay home from camp and we do something fun, butwe stayed home, watched movies, and ate cookies. The whole time, Sarahkept side eying me, confusion and worry on her face.On Friday, my worst fear happens. Exactly what I was trying to avoidfrom the very beginning."Hannah, why are you so sad?" my sweet, sweet crazy Rosie asks as wedrive home from camp, more attentive than I give her credit for."Me? I'm not sad, bud!" The voice I use is sugary sweet and baked withpep and it sounds fake as fuck, even to me."Yes, you are. I heard Mommy telling Daddy that Uncle Hunter is anasshole for letting you go. Is that why you're so sad?" My emotions arebubbling in a weird mix of hilarity, exhaustion, and heartbreak, but I beatthem all down to reprimand her."Hey, Rosie, you know that's not a nice word. And haven't we talkedabout listening in to grown-up conversations?""Sorry, Hannah.""So, did you guys break up?" Sara asks. My eyes meet hers in therearview and there's no way I can simply brush them off."Yes, we did. But that's fine, we're still friends and you know friends arethe best kind of people!" I say, my voice going up at least an octave."I won't be a flower girl?" Rosie sounds absolutely crushed, making mewant to crumble alongside her."Rosie girl, I promise that whenever I finally get married, you can be myflower girl.""He's an idiot," Sara grumbles under her breath. This is exactly what Iwas trying to avoid. This is exactly why Hunter, of all men, was the worstidea for me. What the fuck was I thinking, getting involved with my boss'sbrother?"Sara, stop it. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be together." Shelooks skeptical, but as I say it, we pull into the drive and I make a big showof getting everyone out and into the house, effectively changing the subject.It doesn't come back up all night.On Saturday, the Bronco is back in the drive and my heart is in mystomach, making me feel like barfing at every and any creak around thehouse. I'm jumpy, wondering when he'll come around a corner when I'llhave to finally face him, since Autumn and Steve asked me to watch the girlswhile they went to a wedding.Turns out that's at around lunchtime when I'm doling out fruit andsandwiches in the kitchen and he comes down the stairs looking as handsomeas ever.His hair is a mess, a sign I learned during our short time together meanshe's been stressed and running his hands through it incessantly. Dark circlesline his eyes, a nod to what I assume is his lack of sleep. Under the layers ofmakeup I've taken to slathering on this week, I have twins to his. He'sdressed in a white button-down and black slacks, making this the first timesince he came to stay here he's not dressed casually. And fuck if my bodyforgot that we're not together, instantly drawn to him and craving his touch.Of course, I remind myself why that's no longer a possibility."Hey girls, Hannah," he says, walking past us to the coffeepot. He'sreaching high to grab a mug, his shirt stretching against his back to show withdefinition his beautifully muscled back and - No! Hannah, get it together.Fuck. This is impossible."Hello, Hunter, anything I can help you with?" I'm aiming for polite andunaffected in my tone, but I'm afraid I gave off strained and hysterical."Nope, just getting some coffee. How are you guys?" Hunter asks thekids."Fine," Sara says, the words short, nose staying in her book.To my horror, Rosie, sweet, sweet Rosie stares at her uncle, picks up hersandwich and takes a bite, making it clear she's not talking to him. Shit."Uh, Rosie, your uncle asked you something.""I heard," she says after swallowing. Never in my life has this girl talkedback to me, much less any other adult with such blatant disrespect. Fuck,fuck, fuck."Rosie! Attitude!" I say, trying to stop this from getting worse. Instead ofapologizing, she puts her sandwich down and crosses her arms over her chest."Sorry. She's... in a mood right now," I say in apology, refusing to meetHunter's eye and beginning to clean up the lunch mess. "Tired, I think.""Not your problem." He sounds curt and professional, breaking me allover. How did we get to this place again? This place of short replies anddistance."She's mad because you broke Hannah's heart," my sweet Sara saysquietly. Looking over at her, I see the depths of her soul and thedisappointment on her face."And I'll never be your flower girl," Rosie says, picking at her sandwich.She looks sad now too, rather than angry. Hunter looks at me, browsfurrowed, confused, as if he doesn't understand what's happening. How doeshe not get it? Doesn't he see that this is what I was trying to avoid all along,why I resisted, why we were my worst decision ever? This is why I foughthim as hard as I did. Fought us."Girls, why don't you go upstairs and get ready to head to the park," Isay, my voice cracked and painful, as I fight to keep myself in check. Bothgirls quietly clean up their plates, glaring at their uncle as they do so beforewalking up the stairs."Hannah, I-" Hunter starts but I can't. I can't do this. It's unfair for him toexpect it of me too, here, at my work."I might not be a fancy businessman with important projects on the line,with a life that revolves around pleasing investors and making thingsprofitable, but this is still my job. Please respect that." I nod at him, then walkaway, refusing to run, refusing to let a single tear fall. That is, not a tear dropsbefore I hit the bathroom where I cry quietly into a towel until I hear the kidscome downstairs for our trip to the park."AUTUMN, WE NEED TO TALK," I say, popping in after I know the kidsare asleep and she's out on the back with Steve. My throat aches with unshedtears, my body lethargic and ready to collapse. Who knew that doing the bareminimum could be so exhausting.Her eyes dart to mine and there's resignation there. She knows what'sgoing on. "Of course, Han, sit. Wine?" she asks, lifting her glass. As much asI want to say 'Yes, an entire bottle please,' I need to get this done."No, I'm good.""So what's up?" she asks. Steve is looking at me, face serious, not sayinga word."I think it would be best for everyone if I found a new place ofemployment. Or take a leave or something." I pause, looking at where myfingers are picking at my chipping nail polish. "You know I love workinghere. Love your kids. But I think my being here is doing more hard than goodright now."It takes everything in me not to break, to realize that I set myself up forthis, to let these kids down. But I'm telling the truth. Things have been sotense at the house since Hunter and I ended things. Even Rosie is feeling it,more quiet than usual. While he stays in his room most of the time, the fewtimes we cross paths have been unbearable. The tension, the awkwardness,the heartbreak.I never thought I'd be the woman to let a man destroy me, always sworeup and down to anyone who would listen that I'd never let myself get in sodeep without knowing that it was forever.And I sure as hell swore that I'd never let my heartbreak impact the kidsin my care. Yet here I am."Absolutely not," Autumn says. "No.""Autumn, I-""No, Hannah. I will not allow this. My brother is a fucking idiot and anasshole. I'm not completely sure what happened, since neither of you has saidanything, but I can take a good, educated guess.""Regardless of that, the effect it's having is my fault. Sara is reserved.Rosie won't even talk to him. They both snapped at him today at lunch. I'mtrying my best to keep things normal, but they're smart kids. They deservebetter.""And you think better is you leaving them?" she asks, breaking my heartmore. My vision blurs with unshed tears as I sit on the deck, putting my headin my hands. After a few deep breaths, my head comes up, eyes stillwatering, but my breathing is a bit more regulated. My resolve is stronger."I don't know what to do, Autumn. I was an idiot to let things get this far,but I never thought that after a little over a month..." My voice falls off, notwilling to admit how hard I'd fallen for her brother, only to be destroyed."Here's what we're going to do," Steve says, interrupting before Autumncould say anything. "Autumn is going to talk to Hunter. You're going to giveus two weeks. Let shit settle. Things are always hardest in the beginning,Hannah. Then in two weeks, we'll talk again. You feel like things aren'tbetter, we think the kids are feelin' it, we find a better solution."This sounded reasonable. It also sounded so much like a Steve Suttersolution. Nevertheless, the kids..."Steve, I-""Kids are resilient, Han. They can deal with adult drama. But right now,they're confused about you and their uncle, confused and worried about theirgrandfather. Let's not add to that right now by taking you, too."Crap, he was right. God, this was so fucked up. "Okay. That makessense." My voice cracks with the words.Autumn was staring at me, sadness and her own form of heartbreak in hereyes. "He's a good guy, Hannah. He has too much on his plate, puts too muchon himself.""I know, Autumn." It's all I can say. Hunter is a good man. The best. Iknow that in another world where he wasn't forcing himself to prove hisworth, we could be together and it would be beautiful. Breathtakinglybeautiful. Or maybe if we were in a world where I could overlook it, where Icould settle - then we could make things work. But neither of those situationsis our reality."Two weeks, Hannah," Steve says, grabbing my hand. My eyes meet hisand I see the love that I've always felt for the girls' father like he's my bigbrother and he feels that tether, the connection that forces him to take care ofme as well. He's kind and caring and loyal to a fault."Love you, Steve," I whisper."You know we love you," Autumn replies because the two are really aunit.I smile, then sigh, standing up to head back to my cottage and eat anothergallon of cookie dough ice cream. "I'll see you guys in the morning.""WAKE UP YOU LOVESICK BITCH."My bed is jolting and my heart is racing when I crack an eye open to seemy best friend's tiny ass sitting on the edge of my bed with a bottle ofchampagne in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other. "What the-""I called in reinforcements." Autumn walks around the corner into myroom with a smile, holding a chocolate cake and a bag of groceries."What the fuck?" I ask, sitting up and rubbing my swollen eyes. They feellike sand has taken root in them after I fell asleep crying, leaving me in needof eye drops and a warm shower."We're here to have a pity party. Fair warning, it will be the last one, andtomorrow I will expect you to have it out of your system," Sadie says,popping a cork in the champagne. Confusion at being woken by womenyelling at me and toting post-breakup goodies consumes me. What in theactual fuck is going on?"What in the actual fuck is going on?" I ask out loud."After we spoke last night, I called up Sadie. We decided you need anintervention. I scheduled a day of food, liquor, and crying," Autumn sayswith a smile, clearly proud of herself."Look, I get it. Hotty McHotterson was a dick and dumped you and thathurts because you finally let a guy in for once in your damn life and you feellike it backfired. But you're young and deserve happiness, so fuck that guy."Sadie looks at Autumn. "No offense.""None taken. My brother is the world's biggest idiot."Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, I sit up and stretch beforelooking at my friends. There is no way out of this - Sadie and Autumn are thetwo most stubborn people I know,"Fine. Get me a glass." My hand shoots out to steal the champagne bottleand take a swig, Sadie and Autumn cheering.A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE, several rounds of shots, and a handful ofhours later, all three of us are sitting in my secret garden, drinking margaritasSadie whipped up and eating the chocolate cake straight from the containerwith forks.God, I love my friends."This place is freaking gorgeous, Hannah," Autumn says. "How did I notknow it was back here?""Because I hide it from Rosie," I laugh, forking more chocolate goodnessinto my mouth."Makes sense. She would lose her mind if she knew this was here.""Love the girl, but I need my space on occasion." Autumn lifts her drink,clinking against my own."I hear you there.""Okay, so let's get this over with," Sadie starts. "Tell us everything.Don't leave anything out. We need that catharsis and to over-analyze.""Uh, please leave out the NC-17 parts, for my sake.""Are you kidding me, Autumn? That's the only good part." My twofriends bicker back and forth about whether I should be forced to share mysex life before I start."I don't know if I'm ready for this.""Too bad. We're doing it," Sadie says, sitting back, fingers steepled onher toned tummy like she's setting in for a bedtime story."Okay. Fine." And then I tell them everything. From the very first day wemet, which has them both rolling with laughter, to our first kiss to the daywith Michelle and Ava. I tell them about hiking and the falls, leaving outanything raunchy for Autumn's sake. I tell them about taking care of the kidstogether and how easily I could picture our future. And I tell them about theend."And that's it. That's the whirlwind." A tear slides down my cheek and Isniff like the emotionally drained drunk girl I am."Wow," Sadie says, her voice soft and stunned."Holy shit," Autumn agrees. "And this was all... my brother? The workcrazed, egomaniac I've known my whole life?""As far as I know, unless he has a very convincing doppelgänger. He's...he's not like that with me. I mean. He wasn't. Like that with me.""Huh.""Huh, what?" Sadie says what I'm thinking the way she has since wewere kids."Just... look, I know he's my brother, so I'm biased, but as driven andobnoxious as my brother is, he's a good guy. But he doesn't do romance andlove and blah blah. Between what happened with my mom leaving us andthen his first real girlfriend fucking him over when he was younger, he avoidsrelationships at any cost. Women have tried, don't get me wrong." A knifeplunges into my gut. "But he's always clear about expectations. He doesn'ttake her hiking to secret spots from his childhood or watch Tangled with herand a five-year-old or go donate thousands of dollars of merchandise to hercause. He just... doesn't." Her voice drifts off, contemplative."Okay, and?" Again, Sadie is my mouthpiece."And... I don't know. It just seems to me that... maybe there's some hopethere. Maybe you shouldn't completely give up on him, Han.""Honestly, Autumn, love you. Love what you're saying, love that youwant that for him, for me. But I can't handle having hope right now. It's tooexhausting and I need a sure thing. I've always needed a sure thing.""Babe," Sadie starts. Her tone is gentle and reluctant. "Sure things don'texist." It's a shock to the system. Our whole lives, I've talked to Sadie aboutmy intention to only marry once, marry for love, and marry forever. Neveronce has she argued that it wasn't a possibility. "Look, I get it. Your mom gother heartbroken, and it fucked you and Abs up so much. But, babe, that's herproblem. You've made it your problem for literally no reason. Are you tellingme that if you got your heart broken, you'd abuse your kids, neglect them, letthem live the life you lived?" My answer is immediate."God, no, but I want-""You want your kids to live a fairytale. And, Hannah, not to be thatperson, but my kids basically live as close to a fairytale life as possible and itstill isn't, perfect. And if something happened to Steve and me, God forbid,you know as well as I do that while they would be emotionally affected, theywould not live the childhood you did. Your mom is a piece of shit. Your dadjust as bad. But that does not mean you need to sacrifice everything so thatyou can be everything to my kids, the kids at the Center, or your future kids."She pauses, looking at me with meaning in her eyes. "You can't put your lifeon hold chasing some ideal.""Autumn, I'm not sacrificing-""I know about the job offer at the Center. I know about your dream camp.Han, it's perfect for you. Taking over Maggie's position would offer you theexperience you need to make that dream happen. It would fill your cup upmore than my girls ever could. What's stopping you, Hannah? It's meant foryou." Shock reverberates through me at this revelation. How does she knowabout the job? About the camp? And how can she even ask what's stoppingme from taking the next step?"I love my job, Autumn. I need to be free to be there for the kids.""Oh, shut up, Hannah. You and I both know that's bullshit," Autumnsays, looking me dead in the eye. Even though hers are glassy with drink,she's serious as can be."I don't understand. Are you... are you telling me to quit working foryou?""God, no. Don't say that, I need you," she laughs, a hand to her chest innear shock. "But I am saying that we can work things out so that you canfollow your passion. So that you can help even more kids." I'm so confused.It's like I'm being thrown in a million directions. They came to help me ventand cry over Hunter, but now we're talking about... my dreams? My career?"Look, Hannah. Rosie starts kindergarten full-time in the fall. And whenthat happens, what will you do? Clean the house neurotically, as if we don'thave a cleaning lady? Bake until your arms fall off?" I giggle, knowing she'sright. "I will always need and adore you, but this can't be it forever."Of course, this has crossed my mind in the past. But it was always afuture me problem. A lump forms in my throat."Honey, we're not trying to ambush you," Sadie says softly, reaching outto grab my hand and squeeze it."Speak for yourself, Sadie. I'm older and wiser than you guys. I'm totallyambushing her." Sadie rolls her eyes. Turns out when they drink, Sadiebecomes Autumn and Autumn becomes Sadie. Weird. "Hannah, I hate thatthis happened. I hate that you're not getting that happily ever after with mybrother, so I can chain you to my family for now and forever. But maybe it'sa sign. Maybe you need to work on you, make you happy, live life for youbefore you can bring someone else into your life." There's silence after thatmic drop."Am I crazy?" I ask. Autumn and Sadie look at each other, trying todecide if they should break it to me. "Okay, yes, I'm a little crazy, I knowthat. But you realize I don't want the kids to be my life forever? I just... I loveyour kids, Aut. And having the opportunity to be there for them, to add totheir life? It's been amazing."Drunk and emotional, Autumn's eyes tear up before she's pouncing onme to wrap me up in a bear hug. "I know, Hannah. And I am so thankful foryou and what you've been to us. But you need to live for yourself, too. Yourmom fucked you up a lot, but you have so much to offer. Take the chance,take a jump."Breathing in deep, I contemplate my options before nodding. "Okay. I'lltalk to Maggie on Monday." The girls whoop in a cheer only drunk womancan achieve. "But I'm still working for you, right? I can still live here and bein your life? Take care of the girls?" Why am I so nervous about this nextstep?"Hannah, nothing will change. You'll just actually work for Maggie andhave the ability to do more. They're are at the Center all summer and then infall, both will be in school. And I've talked to Mags in the past - she's willingto work with us in any way to make sure you're happy and the kids are caredfor."Relief must be clear on my face because Autumn smiles, hugging meagain. "The best thing that happened from this broken heart is being able totalk to you about this. It's been weighing on me, Hannah. You do so muchfor us but I can't help but feel that we're holding you back from your fullpotential." Her voice is gritty, unshed tears hidden behind the words."Oh, Autumn, no-" I start, but she cuts me off."Shut up, I know, I know. But you have so much to offer." We hug oncemore and she gets back into her chair after refilling drinks for us all."So what about this asshat brother, huh?" Sadie asks, breaking themoment."I need to talk to him. Force him to get his damn head on straight beforehe lets this get too far," Autumn says to Sadie as if I'm not here."Uh, no. He made his thoughts clear. We'll be cordial and kind, but that'sit, Autumn." I don't need Autumn stepping in and making things moreawkward or uncomfortable."But, Hannah-""No, Autumn. I don't want to delay this and make it worse. The kids arefrustrated. I've been a mess for a week, it's too much. It's not meant to be.That's all." Saying that feels like a betrayal, but I stand firm in my decision.Because what's the other option? Hang on to hope that's useless? Continuallybreak my own heart? No, thank you. I saw how that plan played out my entirechildhood and it doesn't end like a rom-com."What about-" Autumn starts."Leave it be, Autumn," Sadie says, her eyes on me reading my soul, thegorgeous green eyes I've known my whole life showing compassion andunderstanding."But-""No, Autumn. He can decide on his own if he wants, but that's on him.Hannah doesn't need his bullshit, period." I smile at her, grateful for howwell she knows me, grateful for that sisterhood we share."Thanks, Sade," I say to her and she smiles back, then looks around."Hey, Autumn, can we convince Steve to order us a pizza?""Oh, yes, totally," Autumn says, already taking her phone out. Themoment is broken. Back to the best feeling of being with your girls and atpeace with the world. "And maybe drop off some more snacks and drinks."Taking in my two friends, warmth fills my soul knowing that I'm going to beokay