The Distraction

Untitled Part 17

"Alright, guys, now go break off into your groups and start brainstormingyour creation!" I yell at the crowd in front of me, false enthusiasm coatingmy words. We're using up the boxes from the Beaten Path donation to createa cardboard village. Each team gets to make their own building and decorateit. Later this week, we'll vote on the winner.Kids scatter, some yelling, some grabbing boxes they had their eyes on. Imade sure the groups have kids of all ages so that it's a fair competition. Ilove to see the big kids help and support the littles.Maggie walks over and I smile at her."Hey, Mags, can I talk to you?" I ask, gesturing to the building her officeis in. She's been so busy all week, running around for fundraising anddonations that Wednesday is the first time I see her since my night ofrevelation with the girls. My body and soul are still exhausted, my heart stilla painful ache, but slowly I'm mending."Of course, Banana. Let's go to my office."Grabbing a soda from her mini-fridge, I sit back and look around the tinyspace. It's hard not to wish we had something nicer, larger, more... fitting forher."Should I be nervous about this talk, Hannah?" Maggie asks with a smile,grabbing her soda. Mine opens with a sharp hiss before I take a sip, thecarbonation burning my nose."No, I don't think so." I set the can down with a clink before placing myhands on my lap."Then why are your hands shaking?" Looking down, I see that she'sright. My hands, painted with bright pink polish, are shaking slightly."I want to take the job."I'm not sure what I expected when envisioning this moment, but the calmand collected, "Good," I get from Maggie is... not it.Silence settles after that word and I look at her, expecting more. "Good?""Yes, good. About time. This old maid can't do this much longer. Youfinally talked to Autumn?""Well, yeah?""I've been telling her for a year straight to talk you into taking thisposition, that I'd work around your schedules. She said you're as stubborn asI know you to be." Her eyes roll to the ceiling like she's having a privateconversation with God about how annoying I am.She returns to earth. "We'll figure out all the details on pay and schedulenext week, once things settle down from the start of camp." Turning her backto me, she shuffles some papers, and it's hard not to be confused. Why is thisso... easy?"That's... it?""Well, yeah, honey. Nothin' more to say, I've had the spot ready for youfor a year straight. Know you won't negotiate the pay or hours since it's you.We'll figure the rest out later." Her voice is a matter of fact like this isobvious and I'm slow. I stare at her some more."So tell your Aunt Maggie. You fix things with that boy yet?" she asks,and the knife that's been sitting quietly in my chest wakes up and turns at thechange in subject."Nothin' to fix, Mags. He's not looking for what I'm looking for,"Maggie harrumphs in response. "Seriously. It's all fine though, fun while itlasted." With those words, she looks me in the eye, seeing into my soul, allthe pain stuck inside. The same way she could 15 years ago."Sometimes you gotta fight, girl. Sometimes you need to sit back andaccept things, but sometimes you need to fight, and do it hard." She whispersthis, tearing through me, reopening the wounds, and cleaning out theinfection I've let simmer in there. God, this woman."I know Mags. And sometimes you need to protect yourself. I'm doingwhat I need to do to survive. Tried to fight, was knocked down and takenout."Her eyes settle on me for a moment, reading me in a way no one else can.After what feels like minutes, she sighs deeply. "Fine. Just remember,though, Hannah, if you get the hand up off the ground, take it. If that handfeels safe and secure, let it heal you." She stares at me a moment longer. Thenshe stands, kisses the top of my head, and walks away, her gypsy skirt trailingbehind her in a train of green and purple magic."Well, shit," I whisper under my breath, chugging my drink beforeheading back out to help with the kidsTWO WEEKS LATER, the girls are loaded in the back seat of my car whenmy phone rings over Bluetooth. The screen says "Sadie" so I answer, but talkbefore she can get a word in."In the car with tiny ears, you're on speaker.""Well, fu- I mean, darn. Whatcha up to tonight? Do you have kiddoduty?" She asks, making Sara giggle when she catches the not quite curse. Iwink at her in the rearview mirror."Nope, their parents should be done by 5 and then I'm free," I say,looking forward to a kid-free evening. These kids are the best, but some daysI need to be free of little eyes."Alright, we're goin' out girlfriend," she says."Oh, Sade, I don't think I've recovered from the last time," I say,groaning, the thought alone making my already tired bones want to crumble.I want my bed, ice cream, and trash TV."Too bad. There's a band coming to Luna's. She's putting up the reservedsign on our stools. We're obligated to go." Luna took ownership of the bar intown not long after we were legal and since then, we've had our own stools.On nights when it's busy, she makes sure we always have a spot to sit andchat. Whenever a band comes to our small town, Full Moon Cafe getspacked. In all honestly, it's usually a blast.Even so, I'm tired. "Sade, I want to go. I do! But I'm so tired.""Too bad. I'll be there at 8, I'll bring you an energy drink. Text me whatyou're wearing." Then silence. Well, fuck. She already hung up."She told you," Sara laughs, causing me to glare at her as she giggles.AT 7:45 Sadie comes into the cottage, ready to go. She's wearing a short,high-waisted shimmery skirt and a black tank with pretty flat sandals."Am I okay like this?" I ask, motioning down my body at my distressedshorts and old band tee I cut, so it's a short, loose crop. I threw my hair upartfully in some kind of 'intentionally a hot mess but also not a slob' look,adding heeled booties for good measure."You look hot for a depressed bitch.""Gee, thanks. Who's driving?" I ask, grabbing my bag and phone."I will. If we have to Uber it home, it will be a quick walk to get my carin the morning," she decides, walking to her car and hopping in. Immediatelyshe rolls all of her windows down and cranks the music up, blasting a songabout angry breakups. Perfect.An hour later, Sadie and I are sitting at the bar chatting with Luna whilethe band sets up. "So where are they from?" Sadie asks, eyeing the band. Or,more accurately, the lead singer's ass.Luna giggles the tinkly laugh she's always had, the kind that makeseveryone around us turn their head to find the magical noise. "Texas. Austin.They're bar hopping and playing across the country. Not sure how they foundme, but they've brought a crowd so I'm happy."And they did - the bar was more packed than I've seen it in some time,making me thankful for our special seats. Granted, we've already had a fewgross bar flies hitting on us, using our seats as an excuse to try out their worstpickup lines."For sure, it's packed tonight," I say, sipping the Dirty Shirley Luna mademe, which ends up being 1/3 cherries and more booze than I need."Uh, yeah, looks like everyone's here tonight," Sadie says and when Ilook at her, she's cringing, panic and guilt in her eyes."What?" My stomach drops, but I know. I know."I'm so sorry Hannah, I didn't think..." Sadie says, staring across the bar.Following her line of sight, his eyes are right on me, connecting his gaze withmine. A warmth that used to burn for me when we were together is in hiseyes, dousing me in a strange mix of burning hot and ice cold."Fuck," I mumble, looking away quickly."Lune, shots, now," Sadie says, but Luna, having looked behind her tosee Hunter, is already lining up three glasses and topping them with tequila.There goes any hope of leaving here relatively sober.-hunterAS SHE DOWNS her third shot, Hannah tips back, making the feet of thestool lift slightly, but is thankfully caught by a giggling Sadie. My body joltsher way before reminding me I can't. It's not my place. Not right now. Notyet."Jesus fuck." Tanner laughs out loud next to me, witnessing my versionof Hell. Earlier tonight he called to say a band was playing at Full Moon andasking if I want to come grab a drink. Since I've been incessantly workingsince talking with my dad, I agreed, deciding one night off wouldn't mess mytimeline up too much.It probably is funny to watch me struggle, watching my girl gethammered, knowing I'm most definitely the reason. The need to be next toher, to keep her safe and erase those dark circles under her eyes, the sadnesson her face. It's strong and painful. I'm resigned to the fact that I need to waitit out, keep the plan I crafted carefully, and avoid fucking it up.Except some scumbag catches my eye as he elbows his buddy, points toHannah, and starts walking her way. When he gets there, he comes up behindher and places a hand on the bare skin between her shirt and shorts.This fucking guy just put his hands on my fucking girl."Oh fuck," I hear Tanner say as he stands, but I'm already halfway acrossthe bar. Grabbing the douche by the neck of his shirt, I tug him back."What the-""Back the fuck off." The words are a feral growl, low and menacing, buthe sure as fuck can hear them even over the music."Woah, man, chill out, what the fuck?" The preppy douche yells at me.He's a big guy, decent-looking enough, and it's clear he knows it. I've dealtwith his kind more times than I can count and they're all assholes."Hands off my girl, asshole," I say, turning my back to him, creating abarrier between the guy and the girls. My chest is pressed against Hannah'sside and feeling her warmth feels like home."Hunter, what the-" she starts."Hey, man, I was talking to her," the asshole says. Then, proving he has afucking death wish, pulls my shoulder so I'm facing him. He pushes my chestlike we're in high school. Poor guy doesn't realize that because I was a bitterhigh schooler, Tanner and I got into our fair share of fistfights as teens. WhenI see Tanner come up to my side, I know this guy is fucked if he triessomething."Seriously, bro, walk away," Tanner says in warning, but my eyes areglued to this guy, rage burning deep in my bones, ready to attack."Who the fuck are you?" he asks and I want to laugh at how cliche he is."Doesn't matter, just trust me, you don't want to do this." Instead oflistening, the guy cocks his arm back, Tanner tensing to react. The hit neverlands though, because his wrist is grabbed by bulky security, who pulls himaway. I watch them go, mildly annoyed that the fight I'm itching for won'thappen.But then I feel a small, warm hand low on my back and the sweetestsound ever whispering in my ear. "Honey, let it go." Her front is pressedagainst my back, my body aching to have her in my arms, dying for her to bemine again.Staring at the guy one last time, I turn to Hannah, letting professionalshandle the interaction. He continues to make a scene, arguing with security,pointing and screaming my way, but I've been dragged back into my girl'sstratosphere. He no longer exists to me. "You okay?""Uh, yeah?" she asks like I know the answer instead of her. Her eyes areglazed with one drink too many. The look reminds me of the last time wewere here, but I know the night will end differently.I look behind Hannah, seeing Luna's security ushering the guy out. He'sscreaming that he'll sue, or some other entitled shit. I know his type. Fuck,I've been his type. That's all changed now. All thanks to the woman in frontof me."Let's get you another drink, baby," I say, guiding her back to a seat atthe bar that Sadie seems to save for her. Tanner and I pull over two morechairs to where the girls are and spend the next few hours talking andlistening to the band, which is pretty decent. The decision to sit furthest fromHannah is one of the hardest things I've done, but I'm determined not tosuffocate her. The way her shoulders relax when I do shows she appreciatesthe gesture.It's clear I fucked up. I need to fix things with this woman before I loseher forever. When I told Steve I was restructuring my priorities, it was thetruth. What I left out was that I'm doing it all for her, the woman who makesme a better person and opened my eyes to what the world really is. What theworld could be.A slow song comes on, soft and sweet, a perfect contrast to the alternativerock that's been blaring all night. Hannah's eyes pick up, meeting mine withglazed hope, with drunken love and a hint of lingering hurt and hesitation.Instead of replying to her silent question with words, I stand, taking her handin mine and leading her away from the bar to where people are coupling up todance.All night my mind has drifted to thoughts of her small warm body in myarms, the ache in my chest unbearable. Finally, it's happening and for thefirst time in a week, I'm whole again."You good, baby?" I ask. She's settled her head against my chest afterclumsily hooking her arms around my neck. Most of her weight is pressed tome, forcing me to keep us both standing. Not a single moment of it isfrustrating or annoying, though."Mmmm," she mumbles. While the music is quieter than when the bandwas playing, it's still too loud to hear something so soft. Instead, I feel thevibration of her chest on mine, making for an easy translation."Missed this, honey." She stills, and I can't help but question if I justfucked it all up."Not tonight, Hunter." Her body relaxes again like she decided she's notstarting the argument, allowing herself to enjoy where she is."No, no, not tonight, baby. But soon," I whisper in her hair. Her armstighten around my neck and I swear I feel a whisper of a kiss, soft and quickagainst my chest where she lays. The moment will be burned in me forever.An hour later, Sadie and Hannah are done. Looking at them, Tanner and Idecide without a word that they need help to get home and I'm not lettingthem call a cab."Who drove?" I ask them as we stand outside Luna's, music still playingto entertain the few remaining patrons inside the bar."Me!" Sadie says, raising her hand like she's in school and knows theright answer. "But I'm close, we're leaving the car here and crashing at myplace." Sadie reaches for Hannah's hand and it takes everything not to growlat her for even thinking about taking her. Hannah is leaning against me with adrunken smile on her face. My arm is wrapped around her middle, keepingher up straight."I'll be walking you home," Tanner says, locking eyes with me. "AndHunter is taking Hannah home." Even for two drunk women, his tone has tobe unmistakable in its finality. Sadie looks me over like she can't decide ifI'm worthy. Looking at the stress and pain I've put Hannah through. I can'tblame her. Until last week, I was sure that nothing I did in life would deservesomeone like her. And I still don't, but I'll spend every day of my life trying."Works for me," she says, breaking into a smirk. This girl is devious andI'm sure this was all somehow part of her master plan. Any other woman andI'd say there's no way she could have orchestrated this entire night. Butknowing Sadie, you can never be sureHannah opens her mouth to object, but one look at her best friend has hershutting her mouth and nodding. Well, that was easy. We say our goodbyes.Hannah drunkenly hugs her best friend while I tell Tanner I'll call him in themorning and thank him for taking care of Sadie.Unlocking the truck, my hands go under Hannah's arms, lifting her intothe seat. Reaching over to buckle her, she drunkenly giggles, the soundpulling at my heart. I want to always make her sound that happy and carefree."What's so funny, Miss?" I ask, putting my hand at the top of the door toclose it."Your butt looks so good in those shorts." She giggles again. Her eyes arestill glazed with drink, but now there's a layer of exhaustion that wasn't thereearlier."Alright crazy girl, let's get you home," I say, checking that she's tuckedin safe before slamming the door and jogging around to the driver's side.On the drive home, the temptation to look over at Hannah every second isoverwhelming. Street lights light her face up as we drive, making her lookangelic and peaceful in her half-asleep state. Her eyes keep drooping shut,then opening as if reminding herself she's not home yet. It doesn't take longfor them to settle and stay closed.The wheels crunching gravel outside of her cottage make her eyes popopen briefly before closing again, a soft snore escaping."Hannah, baby, where are your keys?" I ask, gently shaking her thigh. Noresponse. Rather than keep trying to wake her, I walk around the truck andopen her door. Her keys are sitting right on top of her bag at her feet. Liftingher out of the seat, she's cradled in my arms with her head on my shoulderwhen I kick the door shut. The cloud key turns smoothly in her lock with aquiet click before we're in and headed for her bedroom."Baby, gonna get you dressed for bed, okay?" I ask, hand on her shoe.The boots are subtly sexy, little dark brown short boots. Just enough heel toshow off her legs, but not so much that she'd break an ankle."Mm-hmm," she says, lifting the foot my hand is touching as she rolls toher back and splays. Her eyes are still closed but she reaches up to pull outthe hair tie, releasing her long dark strands. A waterfall of hair I'm alwaysdying to tangle my fingers in falls free.Unzipping one and tugging it off, I grab the next boot and follow suit,dropping each with a thunk. Her arms cross over her stomach, grabbing theedges of her band tee and lift, showing nothing but smooth, bare skin and pertnipples. "Jesus fuck," I say under my breath, going for her socks."Can we have sex? I miss sex. I miss sex with you." Her words aremuffled through the shirt she left over her face. In an effort to distract myselffrom her perfect tits, I help her tug it over her head."No sex tonight, baby," I say, even though it hurts to say it. Not like this,though. The next time I'm in her, everything will be clear, everything will besettled."Whyyy?" The word comes out in a whine, forcing a small smile plays onmy lips. This woman."Can I help with your shorts?" I ask, my hands pausing over the button.She nods, so my fingers undo the button then pull the zip, revealing tiny, palepink lace underwear. She wants to kill me. Plain and simple. "What are youwearing to bed tonight, beautiful?" She needs to get something on before Ilose my mind."Your shirt," she says, eyes still closed, arms over her head. She lookslike a perfect pin-up. Begging for my eyes and hands and lips."Where is it?" I ask, looking around for the shirt I forced upon her when Iburned her ex's."On you, silly." Her hands reach up, grasping the hem and tugging."Honey, I'm wearing this tee still," I laugh, brushing hair out of her faceas my ass hits the edge of her bed."Stay.""Baby, that's not a good-""I don't care. Stay. I don't want to be alone." She opens her eyes to lookat me, hurt and pain and loneliness there, mirroring my own. Sighing, I nod.It's not a hard decision to make."Fine." There's only so much begging from her I can take. I won't staythe whole night, won't risk her regretting it. Especially when my plan isalready rolling along, so close to fruition. But I'll give her this. Give myselfthis."Good," she says, a small, cat-ate-the-canary smile on her lips as her eyesclose again. Quick decision-making tells me to leave the jeans on beforestripping my shirt off. I toss it at her, silently praying she puts it on and helpsme make it through the night without attacking her."Smells good," she says, putting the shirt to her nose and sniffing in anadorable and sweet moment. "Miss it," she says again. Again breaking myheart and giving me hope in one moment. Thankfully, she pulls the shirt onover her head, not bothering to remove the hair stuck under the collar. Thenshe rolls over to her side and pats the bed next to her.After turning off the lights and checking doors are locked, I make myway back to Hannah. My body lines up perfectly behind hers, the sameperfect fit I noticed that first night. Brushing her hair from her neck, my lipstouch her there, making her sigh. My arm wraps around her front and herlittle hand twines its fingers with my own."Miss you, Hunter," she mumbles before falling asleep with soft, deepbreaths almost immediately."Miss you too, baby. I'm gonna fix this." I whisper the promise into herhair before falling asleep myself, secure and content in this tiny bed, in thistiny house, with this woman who holds my whole being in her tiny hands.-hannahMY MOUTH IS dry when the sun hits my eyelids in the morning, wakingme. It's a foregone conclusion, proven with many nights of drinking that assoon as they open, a million tiny hammers will start pounding on my brain.Cracking one open to test my theory, I quickly slam it shut when myhypothesis proves correct.Why do I do this to myself?Groaning, I roll onto my stomach before throwing a pillow over my head,blocking out the happy birds outside my window."Shut up," I grumble into my mattress, but then, my mind remembers thenight before. My stomach almost rebels as my body sits up straight in a splitsecond, looking around my room for him.Nothing. My heart drops, angry with myself for the cruel dream my mindcrafted.Stumbling out of bed, I nearly trip on my booties. As I'm looking down, Inotice my shirt - the shirt Hunter was wearing last night. The shirt I orderedhim to give me in my drunken state. The shirt that still smells of him."So, not a dream." Should I feel bad about that? Embarrassed, maybe?None of those fit. Instead, disappointment crashes into me as I stumble intothe kitchen and don't see him at the table sipping a coffee and waiting for meto wake.Instead, there's a note.Take these. Yes, that's an order. Missed sleeping with you,gorgeous. Autumn's got the kids this morning. Talk soon.-HBeside the note are a bottle of water and two aspirin. My mind tries tocatch up with what's going on, but the fog is blocking any form of reason.Taking the pills and chugging half the water, my eyes drift to my nextstop, the coffeepot. On the black machine is a bright pink note from one ofthe many post-it pads I keep lying around.Just flip the switch, coffee is set.Reading the note, I force myself not to read into it, instead I go aboutmaking my coffee, fixing it the way I like, and sitting with a cup and myphone. A few texts from Sadie, none of which have excessive caps so theycan wait, a text from Autumn confirming that she took the day off and willtake the kids to the zoo, and... a text from Hunter.Hunter: How are you feeling?How do I reply to that? Do I go with honesty? Or fake nice? And if Ichoose honesty, do I go for emotional state or physical state? Or both?Something tells me that "Nauseous, achey, confused as fuck and completelyheartsick" isn't the right answer.Thankfully, that reply is delayed when Luna's name flashes on my phone."Hey babe," I answer, standing to look through my cabinets for a blandbreakfast my stomach won't revolt at."How ya feeling', sloppy?" Her voice is cheery, regardless of the earlyhour and the fact that she works late into the night. She's seriously an alien."Shut up. And terrible.""Girl, I haven't seen you drunk more than once in a year since you turned21. What in the hell is this man doing to you?" God, if she only knew."I have no fucking clue. But this morning reminds me why I don't drinkthis much anymore." My stomach settles on crackers and I pull out the sleevebefore leaning against my counter and munching."That bad, huh? Need me to come by and drop off some pills andessentials?""No, funny enough, Hunter left me water, pills, and coffee this morning.""He spent the night?!?" she shrieks, forcing me to pull my phone frommy ear. "I thought you guys were done!" Needles insert themselves into mybrain at the high pitch."Jeez, Lune, hangover, remember? But yeah, me too. I have no ideawhat's going on.""Crap, sorry. I guess it didn't look too over last night. Also, can you guysstop causing a scene every time you're here? The station keeps sending overTony and it's so awkward." Luna had the biggest crush on Tony Garrison inhigh school. He's her big brother Zander's best friend, and somethinghappened at some point to make it weird. She avoids him like the plague butbeing the main bar in town, she ends up having to call him more often thanshe'd like."Sorry, totally not my fault, though. The first time was Sadie's fault, thesecond was Hunter's.""Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not buying it, you've always been a drama magnet."She's not wrong. Since my childhood, drama seems to trail me no matter howboring of a life I lead. "So the real reason I'm calling, besides making sureyou're alive - why did I see your man chatting with Aunt Mags at Rise andGrind this morning?""What?" Oh, God, I am too hungover for this much confusion this early."Yeah, they were talking at Sadie's, not sure what about? I was theregetting coffee and shooting the shit with Sade, but they were sitting in acorner, papers passing back and forth, laughing. Any clue what that was?" Ipause, trying to figure out what could be going on. He left early withoutsaying goodbye to go have coffee with... Maggie?"I mean, he donated a bunch of stuff to the Center a couple of weeks ago.Maybe that's it?" My head is spinning, and not from the hangover, which ismercifully fading into the background. How has my entire life gotten socomplicated?"Yeah, maybe, that would make sense if he needs tax forms for writing itoff or something.""Yeah, tax forms," I say, but I'm not convinced. After that, we catch up,chatting about random things like acts coming to town and if we should plana girls' beach weekend soon. Eventually, my brain feels less fuzzy and mystomach less tumultuous. We hang up, promising to get together soon.But my mind won't stop running. Why was Hunter with Mags? What thefuck happened last night? Why was Hunter there? Why did he care so muchabout some random dude touching me? Hunter was the one that endedeverything, decided it wasn't worth it. Too much of a distraction. Why is henow fucking with my head, getting me to bed safely? Leaving me sweet notesand telling me he misses me.And most of all, why am I letting my heart build hope again?