again. | 재윤

i

I. physics thoughts
❝ ___ ❞

ヾ₊˚. again music box
is now rolling . . .

the blonde • tv girl
❝ you only need to dye your hair
but it won't do you any good ❞

      ____________

    SIM JAEYUN STARED INTO SPACE, his pen absentmindedly tracing patterns on his physics copybook as his mind wandered. the teacher's voice faded into the background, replaced by thoughts of her.

he couldn't help but notice the little details of her behavior—the way she smiled to avoid seeming rude, the sparkle in her eyes when she discussed something she was passionate about, the endearing smile lines that formed when she grinned. her voice, her hairstyle, her everyday actions—they all captivated him.

his mind drifted back to the first day of school when he arrived as a nervous newcomer, finding himself seated at the back of the classroom.

as he sat in class, lost in his thoughts, he couldn't help but notice a girl staring at him from the other end of the classroom. it puzzled him, as he wasn't made for attention, but there was a part of him that found it strangely satisfying.

while he usually kept to himself, that day felt different.

after class, he mustered the courage to ask her a question that had been on his mind: did she like him?

her friends' reactions, with their "oohs" and smiles, made it clear that she was interested too. he realized he liked her even more because she liked him back.

but when they reached the end of fifth grade, her feelings took a turn, and she started to like his best friend instead. it broke his heart, but somehow believing that if he stayed true to himself, she might eventually return his feelings.

through sixth and seventh grade, he held onto hope, but as time passed, he began to realize that it might not happen.

although he was frustrated with himself, he couldn't shake off his feelings for her, even though she had bullied him and said hurtful things that made him change who he was.

now, in twelfth grade, his feelings remained unchanged. even with everything that had happened between them, he still harbored emotions for her.

as he sat in his room, he couldn't help but let out a fed up groan. how could he possibly like someone who had caused him so much pain? it made no sense to him, yet his heart stubbornly refused to listen to the reason.

he would run a hand through his hair, knowing he shouldn't feel this way, knowing he should be moving on. but every time he tried to push her out of his mind, her image would creep back in, filling his thoughts with annoyance.

with his heart pulling him in one direction, his mind screamed for him to go the other way. he hated himself for still harboring feelings for her

but somehow, a small part of him couldn't help but wonder if she'll come back. maybe, just maybe, things would change and she would finally see him for who he truly was.

he couldn't quite pinpoint why she held such a grip on his heart, why he couldn't shake off his feelings for her regardless of everything she had done.

perhaps it was the memories they shared, like the time they walked side by side to art class, the stolen glances exchanged between them, or the moments when their friends pushed them together.

yet, he was painfully aware that her feelings didn't mirror his own. she was with his best friend, park jongseong—jay, as he liked to be called—a fact that stung with every reminder. she had made it clear that she'll never like him again.

he hoped to catch her eye, to finally earn a glance or a smile from the girl who occupied his thoughts day and night. from dyeing his hair to adopting a new nickname inspired by her accidental slip of the tongue, he tried everything to stand out in her eyes. 

even his skincare routine became a carefully curated display, showing his best features in the hopes of catching her attention.

but his efforts may have gone to waste, it seemed that everyone noticed him except her. other girls in his class and even those from lower grades began to take notice, but she remained oblivious to his attempts to win her over. even when their eyes met, it was fleeting and accidental, leaving him feeling frustrated and annoyed.

yet, he couldn't help but go crazy over everything she did, from joining sports teams and excelling in competitions to simply walking down the hallway with her friends.

one memorable encounter stood out in his mind—the time he managed to a conversation with her while her brother, lee heeseung, stood by her side. though nerves prevented him from speaking directly to her, he liked the moment nonetheless.

as the bell's metal clanging high pitch ringing filled the classrooms, he lifted his head abruptly, the familiar sound jolting him back to reality. he silently exhaled, stealing a quick glance at her retreating figure as she walked out with her friends.

he directed his gaze downward, only to find his physics copybook adorned with a drawing of her holding the umbrella, her back turned to him, surrounded by delicate leaf motifs. a wistful smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he admired his handiwork.

quickly closing his book and tucking it away beneath his table, he retrieved his economics copybooks. as he exited the classroom, he noticed the hallway emptying out as students dispersed quickly for their second break.

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