The Santa Slaughter - A Very Merry Murder Mystery

Chapter 1

I blink, hardly able to take in the awful scene before me. It's horrible. Worse than I imagined. I can't believe I have to be seen in public like this.

"Well?" I can hear the laughter in my so-called friend Jeremy's voice and can picture him sitting patiently on the edge of my bed, waiting to see what the obnoxious garment-bag contained. Nothing good comes from red and green spandex. "You can't hide in there forever, you know. Maggie Pritchard is expecting you at the Hot Chocolate Hut in less than an hour."

I take one more look in the full-length mirror and wince, turning to the side. It's even worse than from the front and I try sucking my tummy in, which just makes me look weirdly deformed. Not to mention uncomfortable. I sigh and reach for my lipstick, outlining my bow lips in bold, bright red. When in doubt, wear red! I smack my lips together and make a kissy-face at the mirror but it doesn't do much to improve my reflection. I'm still a thirty-two-year-old, soon-to-be divorcee taking the only job I can get at short notice to pay the bills my charming ex-husband landed me with when he left.

"Don't laugh!" I warn Jeremy, as I wriggle into the skirt that comes with my red-and-green onesie and thank the Lord that something is going to help conceal my hips. The ruffle hits me at precisely the wrong place but by this point, I'm committed. There's no going back. I squint at my name badge before pinning it in place. Icey Sprinklecakes. Maggie has got to be kidding. Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I fluff my brown curls, grateful that at least one thing looks good today, and step out of the en-suite into my bedroom where Jeremy is waiting. "Well?"

"You...look...nice." The effort he's making not to laugh is practically turning him purple and in the end, worried he's going to pass out, I roll my eyes.

"Go on. I know you're desperate to mock me. Just do it now, when we don't have an audience."

"Well, that isn't elf bad! I mean, it takes a whole lot of elf-confidence to wear something like that but I'm glad to see you still believe in yourelf."

"Ha ha." I shove my phone into my purse and slide it over one shoulder, hustling Jeremy towards the door. "Are you done?"

"Now, now. Don't be Grumpy!"

"Grumpy is a dwarf," I remind him, but he doesn't seem to hear me. He's still fighting back laughter.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself. But honestly, this isn't so bad! At least you aren't going to be the only elf in the grotto."

"You know, you're right." I shoot him an icy smile - living up to my elf-name - and force my words through gritted teeth. "Me and two teenage cheerleaders. What a trio we'll make." I tug my skirt down, wishing it was just an inch or two longer. "I am twenty years too old and twenty pounds too heavy for this gig, and I get two walking, talking assistants to remind me of that all day, every day. Remind me why I said I'd do this?"

"Because you love Christmas." Jeremy follows me downstairs and grabs the jacket he left on my sofa. "Because you have an extra supply of community spirit this time of year." He spies the pile of red-stamped overdue notices and tries to pretend he didn't. "Because you need the money?"

"Because I need the money," I agree, sliding my own coat on carefully over my costume. Not for the first time, I am grateful for my long mac which covers me from neck to ankle. Only my shoes - green felt, with an actual bell on the pointy toe - give the game away. I frown down at them, wondering if I can substitute my sneakers but before I can make the switch, Jeremy's spotted something else he can't help but comment on. I love him dearly, but goodness me, he's nosy.

"Hey, Merry, what's this?" He's reached past my pile of unpaid bills to another stack of papers I've been studiously ignoring. He cranes his neck to read the first line then whips his head around to glare at me. "You didn't sign these yet?"