chasing pigeons - a poetry collection

always breaking, never mending

How come, I'm always the one who should be responsible
For being the bearer of bad news?

Friend disputes are unavoidable -
Most will have qualms with others.
It's how a high school food chain works;
Every man for himself...

But when an entire friend group begins to turn on a girl,
Because her boyfriend is too touchy-feely at the lunch table.
Because she's passive aggressive;
She always has to be centre of attention.
I'm always the one to do the dirty work.

They turn to me:

"You should send the message to her.
You're better at that than all of us."
So I write the message in my notes.

Something like:

"You're not a bad person,
You just make us all uncomfortable.
I'm sorry if I ruined your evening."

(It certainly ruined mine).

Then I read it out to my mum.
Feedback - edit it.

I read it out to my friends.
Feedback - edit it.

I read it back to myself.
Hover over the send button.
Is this really okay?
Click - Send - Turn off phone.
Wait...

Am I a terrible person?

And this new year it's the same situation;
The details slightly altered.

Different friend,
New friend group.
Same touchy-feely boyfriend.
Controversial political views.
Do I even like this person?

And I send a similar message.
One that I forget to proof read;
One that I send as a knee-jerk reaction.
I regret it immediately.

Am I a terrible person?
Again?

Possibly.
I'm as far from perfect as everyone else...
I try my hardest - but no one can ever reach that title.

So, despite breaking a friendship,
Did I mend myself, in the process?
Am I relieved that that person is choosing to avoid me?

Oddly,
I think so.
It's like a weight off my shoulders.
And that may or may not make me a terrible person.

Who knows.