I Hate What I See In Me.

A Lonely Night

It was cold. So cold. And far too quiet.
Itachi did not go down to dinner. Kushina had come up to check on him but he said he was not feeling well and wanted to sleep. So she left him be. It was late now, the moons light shining in under the curtains over the balcony. The house was silent, everyone having gone to bed hours ago. Itachi lay wide awake. Staring up at the ceiling. No matter how tiered he was sleep would not come to him. He tossed and turned. But it was too cold, the bed was too empty, and he was lonely.
Turning his head to the side he saw the empty side of the bed. Kurama had lain there, with him, only a few nights ago. When the fear of the silence had become so bad he could not sleep. When he had asked, Kurama had come. All he had to do was ask.

So why was it so hard?

Why was this so hard. He just wanted to sleep and even still his mind would not settle. He had a choice to make. He had never had a choice before. What was the right choice?

Reject Kurama, and his heart, and go to America. Leaving behind this horrid place. Leave all the nightmares that still haunt him here and be free.
Or—
Choose Kurama, follow his heart, and stay. Grit his teeth and bare the horrors. Avoid the hospitals, that street they used to live on, the police. And stay in this box. This cage.

His heart jumped and for a moment he couldn't breathe. He couldn't be caged anymore. He needed to breathe! He needed to get out! He couldn't- he couldn't be trapped again! He couldn't breathe. Flinging up he clutched the sheets, breathing rapidly. Wave after wave of chills and anxiety ripped through his body. He could not stop it. He could not make it go away. He was being swallowed up by the panic. The very walls seemed to be closing in. His eyes darted about but all he could see were closed doors and locked windows.
He was alone.
He was trapped.
Caged.
Throwing himself out of bed he launched for the balcony. Ripping the curtains away he forced the doors open and fell out onto the balcony. His knees hitting the stone with a painful thud.

"Ah!"
Catching himself on his hands before his face smashed into the ground. He gasped and sobbed. He could not breathe! Tossing his head back he gulped down air. The fresh air blown in from the garden by the soft breeze. His lungs filled but his sobs only grew. The pain that seemed to tingle through every part of his body, pressing in on him, would not leave him. He was angry and scared and confused and it all came crashing down. Falling onto his back he let tears stream down his face as he stared up at the stars.
"Why?"
He mumbled out. But only the stars and garden heard him.
Why?
It was a simple question, so why could it never be answered? Why was he born into a deformed body? Why was his mother taken from him? Then Tobi? Then Sasuke? Why did Shisui leave him in that house? Why did his father do those things to him? Why did he have to get pregnant from them? Why? Why was this all happening to him?
There had to be an end eventually, right? There had to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Better days had to come some time or another. Life could not stay this miserable forever.
But it never seemed to get any better.
He burst into a new well of tears and cries. Desperately attempting to wipe them away. As his raw voice calmed to nothing but ragged breath and his eyes were red from crying he sighed. His voice catching on another whine that wished to be heard. Looking back into Kurama's room. It seemed so dark and small. It had never looked that way before. The glass doors to the balcony never looked so much like prison bars before. He shuttered at the thought of going back inside. Hugging his arms around his middle. Rolling onto his side so he faced the garden he tucked his knees to his chest. The air outside was nice and the sky was clear of any threatening clouds.
Why should he go inside when it was so peaceful out here? So peaceful and free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kurama lay on the couch. Still wide awake. He worked on solving a Rubiks cube, anything to keep his hands busy. Sleep was avoiding him like the plague and he couldn't stop his eyes from darting to the stairs ever so often. Every sound that came from upstairs sent his heart racing.
Had Itachi come down to see him?
But that was never the case and he always sunk back down into the cushions, disappointed. He missed his bed but would not force Itachi into an uncomfortable situation of having to share with him. And he certainly wasn't going to force the raven onto the couch. So he would gladly wake every morning with a knot in his neck and a sore back as long as it meant Itachi slept comfortably on his bed. His parents had offered him the guest bedroom at one point but he would not go in there. It used to be Kit's room. Kurama had not set foot in there since his brothers death. He couldn't bare to. He tried, once, he ended up on his knees outside the door fighting off wails of pain and agony. The thought to see Kit's room empty of all his possessions. To see plain curtains and plain bedsheets. Not his lively style of bright colors and swirls. He loved swirls. If he could he'd get his hands on anything with the pattern. Kurama couldn't even imagine his closet cleared out and his dressers emptied. The thought alone made his hands shake.
With a deep sigh he dropped his hands, and the cube, onto his chest. Staring openly at the stairs now. He wanted to go up. Just to see. To put his eyes on Itachi and insure he was alright. But after their forced proximity in the closet earlier he wanted to give the raven space. If Itachi wanted him, he would ask. Kurama would not force his way in. Itachi had enough people forcing themselves onto him in the past. He didn't need that. Kurama would lay here patiently. Waiting for the raven to come to him. Even if that meant waiting all night.