all things to live and breathe

part one.

CÜNEYD

One year.

It's been one whole year since he started seeing Dr. Levent. Cüneyd spent weeks of that time not fully buying into what the good doctor was selling. Talking about his past and feelings and suddenly he'd get better? Slowly but surely, as the time passed he felt a little bit lighter every time he left Dr. Levent. Lighter as if the weight of his mother's death didn't suffocate him as much. It was still there, that's a trauma he will always carry, the doctor told him, that baggage won't ever leave, it's how you work through it and try to understand the effects it had on you was what would make the difference.

Cüneyd tried to see it Dr. Levent's way because he wanted to get better, to be better. He could see it now, if the sect didn't push what his mother was going through under the rug, if she had her own Dr. Levent to help her, she may not have died the way she did, or she still might have.

He knew her death wasn't his fault and he could not have prevented it.

Cüneyd took a deep breath.

"Cüneyd, I made dinner, do you want any food?" Cüneyd looked up as he shut the front door, returning from his appointment with Dr. Levent.

Zeynep.

Hi wife.

Zeynep was his wife in name only, not once had they tried to pursue anything else beyond what they have now. One, she was still so young, only just turned 18 and two, he married her fully knowing she would not expect anything to happen between them. She didn't want to be his wife any more than he wanted to be a husband.

Or so he thought.

He had initially wanted to marry Zeynep because she wouldn't expect anything that required touching, affection, or anything romantic in nature.

She was his safety.

Now, Cüneyd wanted her smiles, her easy affection that he saw glimpses of with her mother.

He wanted to know her touch.

He found himself awake many nights thinking about what her fingers would feel like, grasping his own, caressing his face, embracing him, gripping on to him as he learned her body.

He sucked in a breath.

God help him.

He desired a woman for the first time and it was his wife, the woman he swore would never want him, the woman whom he distanced himself so much so that they just occupied the same house, nothing more.

It was ironic, he married her because he knew she wouldn't want anything past what they had currently, but now he found himself beyond curious. He found himself wanting the very thing he detested.

Cüneyd wanted a real and true relationship with Zeynep and he had no idea how to get it.

"Cüneyd? Are you okay?" Zeynep tilted her covered head to the side. He yearned to see her beautiful brown hair. Cüneyd had only seen it a few times over the year, more in passing or right before bed. They still slept in separate rooms, but he found himself wishing that wasn't the case anymore.

Cüneyd wanted to be in her life, he wanted to be the whole story in her book, not a footnote, not something you blink and miss in one's life.

He wanted to live and breathe all things Zeynep and he wanted her to live and breathe all things him, but he knew that would never be the case. She would never desire to share her life and her love with him.

"Yes, I am fine, let's eat," he replied in an even tone, contradicting the tumultuous feelings within him.They both walked to the kitchen and took their seats across from each other.