I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I want an amazing healthy relationship with someone who is perfect for me and treats me exactly the way I want and someone with whom I can build a family with. I imagine others react with a twinge of jealousy when they hear our love story because we met at such a young age and never wasted our youth with unnecessary drama, partying or other nonsense. I wish that we are both pure at heart and treat each other's needs as a priority but also not ignore one's own. I wish that we are both mature, emotionally stable, satisfied with our lives, are both happy and loving as well as selfless and humble without neglecting ourselves, and are also perfectly compatible and are very good at communication and honesty. I wish for us both to be compassionate as well as creative and always support each other in all circumstances. I want all of that, which may sound impossible but is it really too much to ask for? Is it just the generation I live in or has it never been possible? At the same time the other part of me wants a free life with no strings attached, to be able to do anything without having to put your feelings before mine when making dumb "yolo" decisions. What if I want to just live out my youth like all my friends? What if I give my best in this relationship, thinking we'll grow old together and then it will all be thrown away in a year or two when we grow tired of each other, realising it just doesn't work and with that all the opportunities I had missed while being in a relationship? All the stories my friends tell me about what fun things they had done. All the opportunities I turned down because of my "controlling boyfriend". wWhat if it had all been for nothing? Do I really want to risk it? It'll be a risk either way. If i break up, I may have thrown away the perfect future we could've had together. If I stay, what if I'm stuck in something I'll never be satisfied with, wasting all my teenage years. But while all my friends are out there having the time of their life with or without boyfriends, I'm "sulking away" in a relationship that has a 50/50 success rate. Is it selfish of me to even think that the relationship may end? Or maybe it's selfish of me to think that it'll be a waste of time if it does. Maybe if it one day doesn't work out i'll be thankful for the relationship and experience of loving someone and being loved. But what if it doesn't work out and then I'm heart broken for the rest of my life and will be at 30 still thinking about the one that got away? Will you also then be thinking the same thing? Telling your children oder grandchildren about your first and only love? What if I never find the kind of love we had and will one day have to settle for someone who only treats or understands me half of how you do? Perhaps what I had always perceived as controlling had just been a sense of protection or your way of love. What if you are the best there is for me and that i'm just dumb and selfish for wanting more? But is it even more that I want? Or just less? Less controlling, less stress, less anxiety, less problems. Or am I just an over-thinker and it isn't even that bad. Maybe I'm just ungrateful and shouldn't even be debating whether or not I should throw away something other girls would beg for. Maybe it's my abandonment issues speaking and instead of giving someone important to me the opportunity to leave I'll make a break for it before they can. Or another take on this is that I want to make others feel abandoned just like I did all those times. Revenge? I don't think i'm that petty. I don't know how to feel, what to say or do anymore. What if this feeling of uncertainty never goes away?
