Why do I still think about you? Every time I think you're truly gone, you still find a way to crawl back into my mind. The worst part is that I know I would never in a million years cross your mind. And even I in the slightest chance do, it would be that you hate me or something like that. You don't care about me anymore, and you probably never did. So why do I still crave your attention? Why do I always find myself looking for your face when I'm in crowds, in the bus or walking through the hallways, past your classroom. Why do I feel something when someone mentions your name after everything that happened? After everything you did to me. After how you hurt me, why am I still crawling behind you waiting for you to turn around so i can feel that sense of accomplishment when I gain attention from you? The sad part is, no one can fill that hole. no matter how much attention i get from others, or who it's from, it's not the same like if it would come from you. Maybe it's the challenge I like or the fact that it just stopped. It stopped and never came back. What did I do? I want it back. But not you. Does it make sense to just want the attention you provided and not you as a person? I don't want to feel this way anymore although i'm not even sure i know what it is i'm feeling. All I do is think about you, waiting for you to call me up. I'm not even sure what you or I would say, what it would lead to. I just know that I want it. I hate how I'm at the point where I don't even care if the attention I would get from you is good or bad, at least something, anything. Is it bad that I often would purposely want something to happened to me so that you would hear about it and think of me? Or to purposely drink or smoke so I can call you drunk or high. I search for the opportunity to get attention but it's never enough. Whether it's eye contact or just passing you by it'll never be enough. I shouldn't care. I don't want to. Why do I care? I try to mask it by saying I don't care about you and that I hate you to my friends. If only they know the truth, maybe you do. I drank and smoked the summer away because I wanted you to one day see me and know what you've done to me. How badly you've broken me, beyond repair. I don't know if i'll ever get better. It would probably be a different story if I didn't have daddy issues. I wasn't actually like this before though. I was normal when it came to guys, never this obsessive, this pathetic. I hate myself. I hate what you've done to me. the old me wouldn't recognize the person i've become because of you. You don't care. About anything. Ever. It's hopeless. I'm just dumb. I know that it's hopeless but I keep on living like this. I don't chose to. I just keep hoping that fate has other plans for me soon. I don't know how longe I can keep doing this. It feels never ending.
