Through the maze

Chapter 14

I kind of sit dangling from the rope for a little while. All my tears have been cried. I almost don't care about getting out anymore. What is there to go back to? The voice has been silent, thank goodness. Maybe he knows that if he speaks I will snap. I have considered unbuckling myself and just falling. I imagine it goes down quite along way. I bet it would be so peaceful. Falling, falling, falling and then nothing. It would all be over. I don't though. I just can't bring myself to do it. I am not strong enough to keep going but I can't end it either. I don't know what to do. Back home if I ever didn't know what to do I could ask my dad. If he had an answer he would tell me, say it how it was. If I was doing something wrong he wouldn't try to coach me to realize my mistakes he would just tell me. If he didn't have an answer he would say something incredibly vague. I hated it. Now it makes me smile. I would love to sit here forever and think of all the things about my dad that made me smile but I can't. That tiny little smile gave me strength to punch an inch downward. Progress, after sitting still for so long it feels amazing. I go a little further and get the same feeling. I keep going, mainly because every moment I am moving I am not thinking of the terrible thing I have done. I push it to the back of my mind. When I am out of here I will have time to mourn. I move fast and efficiently. There is no point in going slowly. Soon I can't even point out the ladder or the room. The darkness swallowed them up. Yet another motivation to move faster. I don't want to be swallowed up too. I move methodically. I don't stop for rests anymore. I just want to get to the end. I am so wrapped up in the motions that I almost don't realize that the lights have turned on. It is terribly bright again. I look around and realize I am on solid ground. When did this happen? There are three different hallways in front of me, into another maze. I can see some of the turns from where I am. How long has this been here? I wonder. I quickly unbuckle myself. As soon as I do I collapse. I don't bother with food, water, or even the sunglasses. I am so exhausted. I just sleep.

Waking up hurts. Opening my eyes hurts. Thinking hurts. It takes me a few moments to remember what happened the previous day. It hits me like a ten ton brick. I look down at my hands, they are covered in blood, his blood. I really did it. I murdered my own father. The blood has dried onto my hands but I want it off. I tear into my bag and get the extra wipes. I rip the package open and use the rest of them to wipe all the blood off. I try wiping the knife of but a faded red stain remains no matter how hard I scrub. Only after I have finished this do I realize how starving I am. I reach into my bag to get a protein bar. I am about to eat but then I drop the bar. It feels wrong sitting here eating when my dad is...
I wrap it back up and stick it back into my bag. I know it's stupid. But I just can't bring myself to eat. I think I would just puke it back up anyways. I can't imagine being able to hold anything down when his image is permanently stuck in my head. I manage to drink a little water. I look back up at my choices of pathway. I swear there were three earlier but know there are only two. I shrug, I am probably going crazy. I decide to take another try at the always go one direction thing. That's what everybody says. If you are stuck in a maze just always take right turns and you will eventually get out. I take the right path. I keep walking ignoring all chances to go left. After skipping three left turns I come to a dead end. The only option is to go left. I backtrack and take the last left turn. I walk down this hallway and wait for another left turn. There aren't any. Only right turns. Ha ha so funny voice. I guess my logical thinking doesn't really work in this kind of situation. I figure I will just take random turns now and hope for the best. As soon as I start to do that there are tones of right and left turns. I try the only going one way thing again but if I pick left all of a sudden there are only right turns and vise versa.
"This is so stupid!" I cry out in frustration.
"Oh so you figured out that wasn't going to work."
I kick the walk. It hurts.
"Ooh I bet that hurt." he sneers.
I ignore him and keep walking. I hate this.