Blue

Still Water Runs Deep

The change in Blue was instantaneous. She drew her hands from his chest so she could blanket herself tightly in her arms, her gaze slipping from his face. She glanced around to the women behind her, her expression... begging for something. They swam closer, their faces softer than Adam had ever seen. He felt that emotion he could name, so close to guilt, bubble up inside of him again momentarily, but then it didn't matter, because Blue began to speak. The story was long and the process was difficult, as Adam had a difficult time reading the words from her lips, but still, Blue was incredibly patient with him.

"I will tell you my story the best I can. It's hard, because I don't remember it. Or... I didn't, before I saw you. Before I saw you again... it was just darkness. Chaos. Have you ever... Have you ever been so angry you felt like you needed to hurt everyone around you? That you didn't care if it was someone you loved or not? In fact, that it was... better if it was someone who cared about you, because they were liars. Nobody can ever really care about you, not like they say they can. They're selfish. We're all selfish, but it's always that somehow, everyone else is allowed to be selfish and never you. You want to hurt them for it. That is what it is like to be a siren. You writhe in your anger, in your conviction that everyone should suffer as you have, that people only want to exert their will on you and that, most of the time, they use the yoke of love to do so. You're so angry. You thrash around with your pack, feeling the heat of your ire rise up inside you, until it bursts free in a desperate scream. Only, to you, Adam, to the others, it's just a beautiful song. It is the sound of our desire for suffering. There is nothing stronger than someone who just needs you to hurt the way they themselves have been hurt.

I can see that face, Adam. Yes, we are hurt. I have been so, so hurt by the world. When I saw you in the height of my anger, you were nobody. Maybe a little more than nobody, I guess. You were one of those vicious swordsmen who came to add your insult to our injuries, and I wanted you dead. But then... It was you. It was all coming back. The nights in Chase's basements. Fighting. Making posters for the kid who refused to be my friend. Playing video games far past one am, my headset on, hearing you and Chase make stupid, disgusting jokes in my ear. Hearing your Grandmother scold us. The way your voice sounded when you called us, crying, because she had called you the name of your father, a man you had never even been allowed to see.

"I didn't go out during the full moon. Did they tell you I did? Do they all think that I did? I didn't... I didn't. I hope they don't think I broke the rules like that. I've never been much for rules, though. I'm sure that's what they all think, isn't it?"

He was shaking his head, lying to her face, but there was something in her face that made him desperate to make her believe him. It didn't matter. He watched the strangled laugh tumble out of her; watched the way her face pinched like she was in pain. He knew that she knew the truth.

"It's ok. It's alright. I would think that too, I would! I would. I was walking home after school. You had to stay late, you and Chase. You always stayed late for football practice, so I was walking home after school, the way that I always did. It was half a second. It all was gone in half a second. The car stopped. I could see him get out. Did he want something? I didn't want to stop to find out. It was an empty road, behind the minimart. I cut through to save a little time, the way I always did. I shouldn't have done that. I should have changed my route every day. It was... so, so stupid! It was so stupid to take the same route every day. To think that I had any right to walk the streets in my own hometown by myself.

He knew I was coming. He was waiting. I saw him, saw the silver hair. I ran. I ran, Adam, but you know-you know I'm not very fast. I've never been good at anything athletic. I wish that I was. Maybe it would have saved me. He tackled me to the ground. My head hit the ground so hard... I never really understood that expression 'seeing stars', but when my head hit the ground like that, I was seeing the whole galaxy. It hurt so much. He held me down and he-no... I don't... I don't want to..." she paused for a moment. He didn't know what to say. She took a deep breath, a great gulp of water. He wondered if it suffocated her the way it always seemed to be suffocating him, the way it was suffocating him right now.