Behind The Scenes (Our Journey)

chapter 11

Fourth and Gemini have been dating for a while now, almost a year, and everything has been perfect. Sure, they dabble with 'fan service', and Gemini still pretends that he is not all that into Fourth in front of cameras, but privately, he is the absolute best lover Fourth could ever ask for. Everyone else is also so supportive, the staff members at GMM, their friends and colleagues.

Sometimes, during live events, Fourth would say off-handendly that Gemini was his boyfriend and would delight in the way his boyfriend would get flustered in front of cameras. Although from the outside perspective, it is seen as Fourth giving moments or fan-service, but in reality, it's just him claiming what was his. The thought that Gemini was his and he was Gemini's left him feeling all giddy with a million butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

The other thing that he loved doing was getting his boyfriend jealous. It was funny how easy it was even though Gemini was a pretty confident person, someone who was self-assured of who he was. Fourth thinks it was because Gemini is a really possessive type of person, like a kid with his favourite toy he refuses to share with anyone. It must be because Gemini is an only child, so he was never forced to share anything really.

So it was hilarious to watch how Gemini would get so irritated when a ghostship with Fourth would appear. The one that probably irritated him the most was probably the PhuwinFourth and SatangFourth ghostships. It was funny because even though he would be irritated by them, he couldn't really act out since well, both Satang and Phuwin were the biggest shippers of GeminiFourth and also because they were their closest friends.

The craziest part was that although Gemini got "jealous," easily the real green eyed monster was Fourth. People didn't really see him get jealous because, well, he was an excellent actor. It was his profession, after all. But also the fact that throughout his life, he had mastered the act of being cute, polite, and well mannered that he was able to hide his jealousy very well. Negative emotions like such were never encouraged in his childhood. His parents practically drilled into him that he ought to stay humble. He mustn't be envious of others or any type of emotion that they believed wasn't proper for a gentleman he was raised to be.

But he did get jealous easily. Why wouldn't he? To him and probably everyone else, Gemini was the perfect specimen. He was extremely intelligent, funny, athletic, and just loveable. Gemini got along with everyone seamlessly, like it took no effort at all. He got along with all genders and Fourth knew for a fact that there were some girls at their company who were crushing on Gemini.

So, of course, he got jealous easily. Yet he never showed it. There might perhaps be a twitch of an eyebrow, a tapping of his foot or even a clenched fist, but as soon as he plastered his winning smile, all was soon forgotten. He trusted Gemini with all his being. He was Gemini's first kiss, first lover, and the first person Gemini had ever been intimate with, and he hoped he would be the last.

Maybe it was selfish of him to want Gemini all to himself, to want to shout on top of rooftops and claim Gemini as his. To let everyone know who is willing to listen that Gemini was his. Maybe it was selfish of him to want his love to be acknowledged for what it truly was. The affection they showed each other wasn't due to creating moments for fans or them just really being good friends. Maybe it was selfish of him to want to walk down the streets with his lover's hand in his without any backlash and hate.

Maybe it was selfish of him to want all of that then and still be allowed to be doing what he loved. To still be thriving in his career. It was because of his selfishness that he ended up in this situation.

He had a couple of drinks and thought hey since it was April Fools Day, I might as well announce that I am dating Gemini. He has thought that should any of them receive backlash, it would be seen as a prank or something despite it being real. And a tiny part of him, a very naive part of him, had thought maybe people would be more accepting of the whole thing. Things were moving in the right direction in Thailand, after all, with the whole marriage equality thing going.

He never, however, expected this kind of backlash, though. That he, Fourth Nattawat Jirochitkul. The person who had been vocal about acceptance of all kinds of love would be accused of queer baiting. That people would actually wish death upon him because he was joking about coming out. The part that actually stinged was that most of the hate was coming from the people who actually claimed to be part of the LGBT, the very same people that have been fighting for equality.

Fourth has never really thought about his sexuality. To him, all that mattered was following his heart. That's what his parents told him to do most of the time.

"Follow your gut instincts. We raised you well. You will be able to make the right choices." His father had told him once.

"You have a beautiful heart, son. If you follow it, it will lead you to make the best choices for yourself." His mother had once told him.

So, to him, it was just a matter of following his heart and trusting his instincts. He never actually considered anyone's gender when it came to matters of the heart. If someone clicked with him, then he would like that person. He had a lot of crushes growing up, both men and women. So even if someone asked him what his sexuality was he wouldn't really be able to answer it because he just fell in love with whoever captured his heart, and this time the person who had captured his heart happened to be a young man called Gemini.

He understood where most of the backlash came from. His parents, after all, taught him to put himself in other people's shoes. So he understood really where their anger was coming from. What hurt him the most was the homophobic comments he had gotten, how disgusted some people were at the idea of Fourth being in love with another man.

Some went as far as telling him how disappointed they were that he was leading this lifestyle. Some told him that living that kind of life was unnatural and something to be ashamed of. Those comments he truly didn't understand, though.

He took his time going through most comments. He went through their profiles and saw that these people were the same people that shipped two men but were somehow disgusted by it when it actually happened? Was the idea between same-sex couple or, in this case, a relationship between two men was fine if it was fictional but an abomination if it were real?

Fourth doesn’t usually allow this type of hate to get to him. He stays clear off social media and tries to give fans what they want, but this time, it really stung. This was not hate comments about his looks, about his acting, dancing, or singing. This was hate about him being him. Maybe he didn't get the reality of it all. Maybe he was stuck in a cocoon with everyone around them being so supportive that he hadn't realised how difficult it is for same-sex couples that society hasn't actually evolved much.

It dawned to him after getting lost in so many hate comments and death threats that this will not only affect him but Gemini as well. That his next move will be closely scrutinised. He didn't really want to delete the post and pretend like nothing happened. That would be a coward's way out, although he was very tempted to do that.

He also didn't want to apologise for making that post and giving those homophobes the satisfaction. He had fans who were probably in same-sex relationships that looked up to him and him apologising for being who he was even if it meant being a man that loves another man would feel like a stab in the chest.

So he did the only thing that was felt right. He apologised for how the post might have come across as insensitive. He apologised for not seeing things from everyone's perspective, but he did not actually apologise for making the post. In reality, why should he feel sorry for being in love with someone as amazing as his boyfriend. He ended his thread with letting everyone know that love is love regardless of gender.

His manager and the other senior's got ahold of him and told him how proud they were of him. Some reminded him that it was not an easy position he had found himself in and he must understand that for both their careers it was important to keep things ambiguous, neither confirming nor denying if the post was a joke or not.

Fourth, guesses things could have been worse. However, right now, right at that second, he was in so much pain that he couldn't describe. It felt like his skin was scraped raw, and everything hurt. Each and every message and comment he had received told him the most vicious things he wished not to repeat hurt like a dagger to his heart.

He doesn’t know if Gemini would be mad at him for making the post without consulting him first. It was meant to be... it doesn't matter what it was meant to be. The damage was done already, and Fourth was hurting.