My Fucking Life

~STORY 2 | Breakdown~

TW: Mentions of su!c!de, eating disorder
Swear warning
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Fuck life.
So fucking hard.
'Get your shit together'
'You're living because you have to'
I don't want to.
'Doesn't matter.'

Why.
Why am I here.
Struggling to live.
Why the fuck am I here.
Why?
I don't wanna be here.

Fuck school.
Teaches nothing anyway.
Just stupid fights and rumors to endure.
I don't care if your boyfriend broke up with you.
I don't care if you got suspended.
That's you.
Not me.
You.

Who cares if you kill yourself
When you're single
When your whole family hates you
And the only person who you vent to that understands you is someone in their early 20s
That's sad.

Your friends care about your grades.
More than you.
Your friends care about their mental health.
More than yours.
Your friends care about your looks.
More than your mental state.

Shut up.

'You look like a fucking 20 year old woman and 50 year old man combined'
Because that's what you are.
The disgusting remains of the night that a married man took a woman's virginity.
Forced her into things.
Starved the baby.
She's now in her 30s
Him in his 60s
Die old man.

'Are you transgender'
Not my fault I have a male jaw
Not a small one like a female
Stupid muscular looking female body
Ugh
I was born a female with female genitalia.
Want proof? Ask my mom. Ask my dad.
The people who changed my diapers

Are you starving?
Do you eat enough?
Yes I do.
Except for when I decide not to eat because anxiety is fucking annoying and makes me feel like I'm being watched. I don't like being watched.
Especially when I'm eating.

I weighed 60lbs at around 12 years old
I weighed 80 at 14 years old
Still the same

I'm tired of the same ol' shit.
Being told to act and be mature
Being told to act like a child while you have the time
Being told to dress nicely and appropriately
Being told to keep rooms cleaned
Are you sure I've not done enough?

I want to go back home
To the place I belong
Washington State
Home of Seattle
Home of Sumner
Home of the hospital I was born in
Home of my home

I want to run my hand along the wall of the bathroom where I sobbed for hours while yelling at my mom about things we never seemed to agree on

I want to go back to my squeaky Murphy bed and my glow in the dark butterfly wall stickers

I want to go back to where I could ride my bike all across the blacktop because it was such a big driveway I could let go of my handles without needing to turn.

I want to be young again
So I didn't have to worry about trends
So I didn't have to worry about pimples
So I didn't have to worry about the latest phone
So I didn't have to worry about growing up
So I didn't have to worry about a job or a home
So I didn't have to worry about anything.

Stupid fucking 'Call the Midwife' show
Why did you keep blaring it on the TV mom?
My curious 9 year old mind wanted a child
And I learned about the disgusting stuff called sex
I got hooked on 18+ videos and touching myself.
I hate my younger self.
Why did I do it?

I grew up into the weirdest and stupidest teen.
Wearing a sports bra around the house because I was too comfy enough to put on a shirt
Attempting to become religious and go against sin
That didn't work out
I love God but sometimes he just makes life difficult
The pressure of wanting to commit sin is too strong
I lost my streak and didn't stop
Addicted again

I blame 9 year old me
For everything.
For getting myself banned from the neighbors house
For teaching my brother about sex
For almost committing incest
I controlled myself, thank God
All I had to think was 'Don't waste your v-card on that ugly boy. Don't do it.' Simple.

Why is life so hard
I was expecting to be able to breeze right through it
Wasn't that supposed to happen?
Elementary school teachers making life look easy
Fuck you.

Why can't I just kill myself
Get over life and just do it
You're scared??
Boo hoo.

Get exploited.
Over 3 people have pics of your body
Get used.
They just talk to you when they want something
Get manipulated.
They lied to you. And told people things.
Get gaslighted.
They denied everything they did.
Get hated.
Hmm, don't your mom hate you?
Get bullied.
They love barking at you for stupid reasons
I cannot comprehend
Get blackmailed.
'Say this and I'll leave you be'
'WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!'
Get addicted.
Feels nice but I wanna stop. I can't stop.
Get yelled at.
You're a fucking nobody. Can't hear me so I'll yell
Get assaulted.
Flight or fight
Get hurt.
'I'm breaking up with you'
Go fucking kill yourself.
Okay

Why.

Is.

Life.

So.

Fucking.

Difficult.

I thought you loved me, God.
Do you actually?
If you did, you wouldn't have put me through so much shit that I hate myself
If you did, I would look at myself without a filter and say 'You're pretty'
If you did, I would be living life without tears

Can't I just pack my shit and runaway?
I'm too scared.
What if the police find me?
Cry cry cry.
That's all you do.

I wish I died when I attempted to choke myself
But no, I stopped myself.
Stupid emotional bitch was too scared to die
Weak
Just die already
Nobody wants you
Nobody needs you
Just.
Die.

You're a disgrace
You're not wanted
You're not needed
You're not helping
You're not normal
You're not okay
Just fucking go away

Everyone hates you.
Right?
Yeah.
Nobody likes you
You're intolerable
You don't know how to act decently
Shut up

Bitch
Bitch
Bitch

Shut the fuck up
I hate you
Just like everyone else does
No one wants to be your friend
And that's a fucking fact

Why don't I get you some help?
I'm far too broken to be repaired.