The Boy Who's Standing Under The Rain

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"ᵢ fₑₑₗ ₗₒₛₜ"

It's raining heavily today as I expected. Yet, I'm here again...AGAIN AND AGAIN. Without no place to go.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I was standing alone on the school rooftop, letting myself lost in my own thoughts without even care that I might've caught a cold as I got my uniform drenched in wet that the rains keep hitting all over on me.

"ᵢ fₑₑₗ ₗₒₙₑₗy"

I cried again. I kept shedding tears over and over nonstop even though I hate it. I always hate it. Why? Cause it makes me look more pathetic and weak than the way I am...

All those days I spent my days alone, afraid... feels so broke and hurt-

Wondering when it's gonna stop?

Will it stop...?

I didn't even know the answer.

"ᵢ'ₘ ₛₒ ₜᵢᵣₑd"

These three words are not expressive enough for this wounds. I'm already tired and I don't want to go on living anymore. I can't see the point for me to continue on...moving on...

I felt alone, as if everything had gone dark. So empty...cold...

I felt like I was drowning....to the point where I can't even breath. I don't know how to breathe, even if I can, I choose not to. I not trying to kill myself, was I?

All of the struggle...was there's a way I could end it?

I'm staring at nothing again... asking my own self- I could see my other self and it's expression...that painful expression is so hard for me to see...i could see it even though I look away from it...

Why can't I just give up and let everything go? Why can't I stop trying to be "good people" or "perfect person" for everyone? Why can't I stop fighting for those who didn't even appreciate it in the first place? Why can't I stop praying for everyone to accept me...? I really want to stop saying that "I'm alright", that "I'm fine" when I clearly don't. I'm not okay, clearly I'M NOT OKAY. I'M TIRED! I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE FINE, FAKING THIS AND THAT! I TRIED TO BE FINE BUT I CAN'T, I CAN'T! WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE EXPECT FROM ME? EVEN I DIDN'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MYSELF! I ALREADY LOST MY PATIENCE HERE!LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME AND LOOK HOW TIRED I AM!

Am I useless? Am I a failure? Am I a loser?

No...no. NO!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! BE QUIET! YOU PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND YOU'LL NEVER BE! YOU'RE WRONG- YOU'RE WRONG...you-

Have I lost everything?

Why I always keep on falling?

What are the things that I'm lacking for?

What mistakes that I had done for? Why do they always pointed theirs fingers towards me? Blaming me for everything...

What are the futures that I'm not seeing?

Everyone ignores me, they're talking shits about me. I'm invisible in their eyes, they thought I was heartless-that I got no feelings. I don't fit in with anyone here. I don't fit in anywhere. Any places I go, I always feel like I'm unwanted. People avoid me...so it's pointless for me, I can't even open my mouth-they already left.

They robbed the "freedom" from me.

What I ever do to them? What makes they hating me that much? Treating me like I was like some of trash...

I also have feeling...I also feel hurt.

What's so wrong about me?

Was it because of my appearance?

No! NO, I'M NOT MAD! I'M HURT!

I really want to take a break...no I need a break.

What's the purpose for me to keep on living?

I wonder...

I wonder what I'm searching for.

I wonder if I had the answers that I've been searching for...

"Love", I wonder if I can feel it once. What a joke. For a loser like me...

I'm not the bravest when it comes to asking for HELP. I once asked, but they called me 'attention seeker', 'crybaby' and more. I stopped. HELP?
What a HELP can do when I already give up and letting myself go drowning deeper and deeper. PLEASE stop talking about HELP cause you never do nothing about saving ME.

What a shitty life...

Full of Drama. Bullshits. Negativity. Fake. Toxic.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Nobody is gonna embrace and hug you.

Nobody is gonna give you comfort.

Nobody is gonna help yourself from sinking.

Nobody is gonna stop you from killing yourself.

Nobody is gonna save you anyway.

Nobody.

You on all your own.

"ᵢ wₐₙₙₐ dᵢₑ"

"Cover your ears, close your eyes...soon all your suffering, blood, sweats and tears will come to an end", I talked towards myself. I kept talking like I was chanting some magical spells.

Within every step I took to the fence,
with a shattered heart and only the sounds of lost hope seem to increase,
I threw everything away to be here now, alone and unnoticed. Today is the day. Nothing can stop me.

The undying pain, the unwilling decision, the cruel fate, the scars that keep repeat and grow,
Just like an illness. More I endure it, the more pain that I can't chew.
Living with it...feels like a hell for me. Worse than HELL.
My chest began to ache, and there's no way to treat it. I felt like my lungs couldn't even function,my brain also didn't help-. Was I dying silently?
For once I think I'm already on my limit. Everything had its own limit.

I want to let out all this pain.

I want to disappear.

I want to erase everything.

Can I reach the "peace" I want?

I want to die...

I want to die!

Let me die!

"I want to end it all", I took out my shoes and went behind the fence, ready to jump.

"Finally...I can be free", when I said that, I smiled for the first time.

||END OF PROLOGUE||