Dragons See Dragonflies - J.H

Eight.

Lord, I worry that my love is a violence.
I confused instinct for desire—isn't bite also touch?

Although Ethan had said he would see me at school the next day, he in fact did not. In fact, he didn't see me on Friday either and certainly not the weekend.
I spent most of my time in my room or Rosalie's, reading, writing or listening to my sisters debate which icon from our time was still going to be known on Alice's 150th birthday.
Alice had decided to withdraw her payment of me shopping with her, saying I needed time to think by myself. I didn't object.
Edward didn't try to speak about the subject again, though I did see Alice's name in his music book which he was quick to close after he realized I'd seen.
Carlisle and Esme were worried, it wasn't unusual for them to see their children getting drunk, but it was the first time I'd ever since being human.
Carlisle had theorised it was a silent cry for help on my behalf. I wanted to laugh in his face.
It wasn't a cry, I was just trying to impress someone. If I needed help I'd go to Alice or Rosalie, not resort to alcoholism.
Alice explained to me that she had seen Ethan at school, he was often looking over to our lunch table, expressing the hope to see me there and when I didn't, he would slump back in his chair.
He had asked Emmett about me, Emmett said I was sick, Ethan found that funny and asked if it was an extended hangover.
Only him.

I had decided I was never going to get drunk or even drink alcohol again. I didn't like being senseless.
But as I looked out the window of Rosalie's Convertible, I wished I had something to to ease the way I was feeling. Monday was a new day, a new day to see Ethan, a new day to sort things.
I came on too hard. I needed to withdrawal myself from him.
I was nervous sure, I didn't want to upset him, but an opposing thought that Rosalie had brought up is my vampirism.
If I got too close to Ethan. If, if he fell in love with me and I shared the same feelings, would he even want to turn into a vampire? I was risking a lot.
Telling him wasn't a massive deal in my eyes, he seemed like a man that could keep a secret hence why he was keeping one from me, but was I prepared for the rejection? Would I ever be?
I had to give him a chance to live. He had only just moved to Forks, he had to have the chance to make real friends and potentially get a girlfriend.
That's when my thoughts halted.
How did I know he even liked boys?
I couldn't feel his emotions and it wasn't like I could just ask. How would I know? How could I possibly see--
"Jasper, God, chill out,"

I looked to Rosalie, "What?"

"I can tell you're stressed out. You haven't moved for the past 10 minutes," She frowned at me for a second then her voice softened, "Today will be fine,"

"And if it isn't," Emmett butted in, leaning forward in the backseat, "You'll always have tomorrow,"
But I want it to be fine today...

"What do I say if he wants to hang out again?" I changed the subject, not wanting to think about the days I had to change the situation.

"No," The pair said simultaneously.

"But I say the wrong thing, the words just-- come out," Emmett laughed at the unfortunate pause in my words but I ignored him, "I panicked, I lied about the vodka and look where that ended me,"

"Jasper," Rosalie pulled on the clutch to ease the car to a stop in the same parking space she always used, "Just ask yourself if I'd do it then you'll have your answer,"

"Rosalie," Alice scolded, opening her car door for her, "Jasper don't listen to her,"
I wanted to groan. Alice and Rosalie were the closest people to me and they had different opinions on the matter. How could I do anything today if the two people I always got my advise from disagreed?

"Then what do I do?" I asked her, sliding out of the other door, leaving it open for Emmett to hop out too.

"I'm not sure, I can't see his future," She shrugged, no help at all.